Je Suis Un Virgin

“Being a Virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of, you’re like a unicorn.”

Shirley to Annie on the TV Show Community
Photo by Pixabay on

Well strap a carrot onto my forehead and slap my Hiney because I’m a Unicorn baby.  Here’s another detail about my life that is irrelevant and unnecessary but fuck it.

Hehehehe “Butt fuck.”

As surprising as it may sound, a hunk like me is still a virgin. I’m 27 and you must be wondering how have I managed to stay a virgin for so long despite having all the honeys doing whatever they can to get some of this sugar. How have I managed not to give my flower to anyone despite being so sexy? Let me enlighten you my friends.

Firstly, I am a man of God.

That booty may be fire but it ain’t hotter than Hell. I am not risking going to hell. 10 seconds of booty time will lead to an eternity in hell. Is that trade off worth it? Hell naw. Y’all must be out here like “Wow, this guy IS a virgin cuz that booty sure as hell is worth it.” To that I say, join me my brothers and sisters. Together we shall make our way into heaven.

Secondly, I use the terms honeys (ladies), sugar (my love), dope and

While the boys sure appreciate these terms, the honeys do not. Now that I think about it, the boys have not offered their booties to me…Are they really my boys if they haven’t done that yet?

Am I going to change myself for the honeys? Hell naw. We out here chilling like villains. I’d rather stay authentic than sell myself out for some booty. It’s all about integrity and “respek.”

Thirdly, I am a certified “gangsta”.

Look at my IG. You can see all that fresh drip…dripping off me. I have major cojones and need a girl that can vibe with that. That intimidates the ladies. I am so fuck-able that, it has entirely backfired, and I am equally un-fuck-able. I am a living breathing paradox. Life is a cruel mistress but we’re still out here chilling.

Fourthly, I am a gentleman.

You have to wine and dine ME to get some of this loving.

“No thank you ma’am. I am a gentleman and will not fondle your breasts no matter how much you may insist.”

Women no longer have the patience for the process. They just want to get a good bang for their buck and move on. You have to seduce me. Make me want you. I am here for the long run and women are scared of that commitment.

Fifthly? I never had a mobile phone.

I got my first phone at the age of 23 for work. It wasn’t even for myself. It’s not like my parents were against me having a phone throughout my childhood. In fact they really wanted to get a phone. I was opposed to the idea of having a phone. I didn’t like the idea of being on the “grid”. I didn’t want to be available 24/7 for anyone to contact me.

Now if I was smooth, I could’ve used that to my advantage. I could’ve tried to create a persona where I was a man of mystery. A man of few words. Unfortunately, I was neither that smart nor that smooth to A- conceive the idea and B – actually execute it. In fact this wasn’t even an idea I came up with on my own at the age of 27. A good friend of mine told me that this was a possibility… Oh well.

I now realise that this may have been detrimental in both making friends and finding a girlfriend. While everyone was connecting on WhatsApp or Facetime, your boy over here was too busy watching movies, tv shows, anime or gaming. While everyone was socialising and interacting over the internet I was too busy in my own world. No wonder I had a difficult social life during school, college and even university.

Now for all those wondering how I was contacted by my parents and what little friends I had, well that was only possible by 3 ways. The first was through MSN until that died. The second was through FB Messenger. Both these options were only possible if I was at a computer or laptop with internet so basically if I was already at home.

The third, and you guys will love this, was through calling the friend I was hanging out with. If my parents or my friends knew who I was going to be hanging out with, they would call that person who would then give me their phone and voila, you have now reached me.

If the friend I was with, was for some reason unable to answer his phone, my parents did not hesitate at all to contact his parents to get to me. In hindsight I was just being an idiot and made my own life much more difficult.

I feel like you’ve all picked up on the fact that the reason why I am a virgin and have never had a relationship is because I tend to shoot myself in the foot by being an idiot.

Sixthly? And I guess my first and only serious point, I don’t want to bother the ladies by asking them out.

I feel like women go through a lot and the last thing they need is another guy asking them out or putting them in a position where they feel uncomfortable. I am also very bad at picking up hints so for all I know women have been trying to tell me they like me but that hasn’t worked out yet.

I’m going to go off a tangent here but why don’t women just shoot their shot? It would be so much easier for women to go out with the guys they want if they took that chance. If a woman was to ask a guy out, the chances of him saying yes are very high. It’s a win-win situation. Whipping your hair or fluttering your eyes at the guy you like, hoping he’s going to notice is probably not going to work.

Unless it does work and I’m the only idiot here.

I know women are scared of getting hurt just like men are. Some women may have to be more cautious for their own safety as well. I’m just saying it would take the pressure off me if women who found me attractive (statistically there has to be at least one) would just shoot their shot with me.

Lastly, I am very delusional.

In reality I have an intimacy issue with women that probably stems off my rocky distant relationship with my mother. I do not possess the cojones that I have mentioned in point number 3.

I am terrified of women and the idea of a relationship, that I actively choose to do everything I can to be as unappealing as possible. I try my best so that they may deem me as an unfit and unsuitable partner and “bingo bango” I won’t get into a relationship. This way I will never have to deal with my issues. Refer to points 1-4 for proof of how I do this.

“I embrace my virginity” said every virgin ever.

If you think you have what it takes to change my mind feel free to hit me up on my socials or drop a comment below. If you think you have what it takes to change my sexual status, feel free to hit me up. I will probably hide and avoid talking to you if you were to actually send me a message.

For all the readers out there, who can’t pick up on the tone of the article (like me with women), I would like to clarify that this is a satirical article. I am joking…to a certain extent. As J. Cole says in his song Fire Squad “All good jokes contain true shit.”

Feel free to leave comments below to educate people, yes even myself, on the daily struggles that women go through every day.

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