Sometimes I can’t ignore the way I feel when I see you smile.The Ataris, Bite My Tongue
I used to, or still to some extent, get uneasy at the concept of having a crush. A crush by definition is “a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable.”
“A brief but intense infatuation,” There’s the issue I have with the word crush. The problem is that it is an infatuation, an obsession. I have no clue what that person is actually like. I have developed a crush based on physical appearances. I find that hard to deal with. I feel like it’s wrong. I know it’s natural but it feels wrong. It feels like I am objectifying her.
The person I have a crush on is so much more than that. There is the mind and soul that I have no idea about. I just think that this person is beautiful and I am attracted to them. I am just attracted to the idea of them rather than the actual person.
The crush then builds up. Your mind picks it up and runs with it to places you don’t want to go to. It takes you to ideas that you know are unrealistic. It gives you all these unrealistic thoughts and expectations that you have of this person. These “unhealthy” thoughts build up.
Do I act on these “unhealthy” thoughts?
Of course not.
However, these thoughts feel wrong to have.
I imagine living a life with them. I imagine sharing a box of pizza with them under a blanket while watching TV. No one else is there. There is no other worry. It’s just this person and me. Complete peace. Sometimes I imagine us driving together. I don’t care where the road leads to. I am just happy that I am with this person.
There are 2 things that remains constant in these “unhealthy” thoughts, as I like to refer to them.
The first is that there is this sense of complete peace and serenity. There is no care in the world. All that matters it that my crush is right here with me. These thoughts never get sexual. I am simply attracted to the intimacy and vulnerability in that moment.
The second is that person’s smile. I always imagine them smiling. A genuine smile just puts me in a state of tranquillity. There is a vibe in that smile. A vibe that tells me that everything is alright in the world. Just enjoy this moment. I absolutely fall head over heels for a smile that just exudes love. A smile that embraces you, that coddles you. I don’t even know anything about this person and here I am dreaming of a life together. I don’t know if this person is how I envision them to be.
I fall in love with that though. I have no clue yet I fall in love. The peace and happiness in those “unhealthy” thoughts. It makes me wonder, are these thoughts really “unhealthy” if there is so much positivity and love in them? Is it really “unhealthy” to feel happiness? Why do I assume that these thoughts are “unhealthy”?
Sure, I can call these thoughts unrealistic because reality is far from it. Yet, I choose to refer to these thoughts as “unhealthy.” I could be doing this on purpose. I could be doing this to prevent any notion of actually doing something about the crush. If I never act on my crush and try to get to know them better, then I will never be in an uncomfortable spot. I will never give them the opportunity to reject me. Therefore, I think of having a crush as a negative thing. That way I’ll never act on it.
I can count all the crushes I have had, throughout my entire life, on one hand. Obviously, I have never acted on them. Around 3-4 months ago, I had a mini crush and attempted to get to know her better. If I am being honest, it wasn’t a real attempt. It was more of a sad excuse of an attempt. It was to give myself the false assurance that I tried and failed. In all honesty, my attempt was pathetic. When I realised that the other person was not vibing, I decided to dip. I didn’t want to bother her. The vibe was telling me that it wasn’t meant to be.
A crush doesn’t necessarily have to be on someone unattainable as defined. I believe it’s defined like that because a lot of people get to know their crush better and realise that the crush is not meant for them. They were infatuated by the idea of the person and the idea of being in a relationship with that person. Once they realise who that person is, they decide it’s not for them and bail. They could also bail because they realise that it takes effort to get to know a person and be in relationship. They decide that their crush is not worth the effort and bail before it turns into anything real. They bail before committing.
Me personally, I’ve never had the courage to do anything about it in the past. I want to change that. I want to put in the effort. I want to be courageous. I want to take that first step. I want to grow a pair. I’m sick of living like a coward. I’m sick of being anxious all the time. I just want to relax and let these natural feelings flow. See where they take me.
If it works out, it works out. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. At least I won’t regret anything. At least I’ll know that I actually tried and gave it my best shot. At least I get to know another person. We might not end up dating but we could become friends.
I feel like with all the growth that I have done in the past year or so, I am a bit more comfortable with the idea of having a crush. I still get uneasy when I think about it BUT I feel like the first step is to realise that these thoughts are not unhealthy at all. These thoughts are natural. Once I can come to terms with that I feel like I would be able to better handle having a crush.
I might become more courageous. I might become a man of action. I might decide to actually take some steps and get to know that person well. Hell, if I still like them or rather if I allow myself to like them without the fear of getting hurt, I might actually ask them out.
I might be able to acknowledge, without feeling shy or guilty, that I do have a crush right now. It’s easy for me to say all this on the internet. Sure, I’m not anonymous but what are the odds that my crush will actually read this. What are the odds that she’ll actually realise I’m talking about her? I’m willing to take that risk.
Maybe this is again me being a coward. Maybe this is me being delusional, telling myself that I have actually done something to comfort myself. Why don’t I just tell her in real life? Why don’t I put in the effort to get to know her better?
Maybe getting all this out of me and into the real world is the first step I need to take to become more courageous. Maybe after this is out, I might actually take the first step to get to know my crush better. We shall see what happens.
At the end of the day I know one thing for sure, I don’t want to live a life of regret. I don’t want to look back at my life and have those “What if” thoughts. That’s not the life I want.
Stay safe. Keeping loving yourself and others. If you have a crush, get to know them better. Who knows, they might have a crush on you too.