The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don’t want.Karen Salmansohn
For me leaving the life I don’t want includes leaving my family. I do not want to live with them anymore. I want to have my own space and more importantly the freedom that comes with it.
I have always imagined living a minimalist lifestyle. I hate clutter and unnecessary things. I picture a very clean and spacious room. Spacious not in terms of size but spacious in terms of how empty it is. I don’t need much to live a happy life. A happy life in itself is a weird concept but that’s for later. I just need the essentials.
To truly understand what happens to me when I come “home”, I’ll tell you what I am like when I’m not “home.” When I’m outside, I am happy. I am loud. I am having fun. It’s all about love and positivity. I enjoy the moment. There is no worry in my life. I just relax and enjoy whatever comes my way. My brain is clear. It doesn’t hurt. That’s why I really enjoyed this quarantine.
When I didn’t have work I’d leave the house at 5 AM and go sit on the beach. There was no worry in the world. There was nothing to do, except for enjoying the moment, enjoying THIS moment.
I feel unwelcomed in my house. The moment I enter the door, a switch flips. I am this serious and sad person. I feel uncomfortable. I stay quiet. I am just by…myself. It feels like there’s this heavy dark cloud hovering above me whenever I’m home. I don’t talk to anyone. I am just there, breathing…existing. It honestly feels like the real me is supressed deep within myself just so I don’t get hurt. I numb myself so that I am unaffected by all the things bothering me at home. I temporarily kill myself in the metaphorical sense for now.
I grew up in an emotionally unavailable household. I guess I’ve associated this house with that feeling now. My life is good but I don’t feel welcome at home. Robin Hobb wrote “Home is people, not a place.” Elvis Presley says “home is where the heart is.” In both cases I know that this is not home.
This is going to be harsh but this is all coming from the heart. This will not sound like it at all but please remember that this is coming from a place of love. A place of self-love and love for my family.
In a way I have begun, or already do, resent the people at “home.” I resent my family. They do things that I want to avoid. Their habits and mannerisms are everything that I do not want in my life. They are everything that I want to outgrow in my life. Every time I am home I am constantly reminded of these habits that I want to avoid.
There is a lot of clutter in the house that I want to get rid of. Living in clutter has made our lifestyle very disorganised which I do not like at all. There is no space to clear your mind and just breathe. They leave the lights on in rooms that are not being used. They leave doors open. They focus on problems that they have nothing to do with at all. There is this stream of constant toxic words that come out of them about what other people are up to. Instead of fixing ourselves, everyone in this house is too busy trying to fix others. I just want everyone to relax and chill for a moment. Forget about the world and other people and focus on yourself.
I want to get away from all this. I will get away from all this the first chance I get. Their negativity seeps into me. I can feel it corrupting me. I am not delusional. I know that life on my own will be tough to deal with but at least I can move on to a different chapter in my life. At least I’ll have a place I can call home. A place where I can truly relax. A place where I am not suffocating. A place where I do not have to supress any part of the real me. I would finally be able to love myself 24/7 or at least more than I can now.
I feel like if I was to move out and get away from all this, if I could get my own space, I’d be able to start loving my family. I would be able to do all the things I have wanted to do like get into photography, videography and start making podcasts. I can’t do these things at “home.” There are too many disturbances at “home.” Things the family just wouldn’t understand. For a long time, I have blamed the house and the family for why I have not been able to pursue all these things.
If I move out I’d finally be able to get rid of this excuse that I have been milking for as long as I can remember. I would be able to grow out of this mind set and this rut. Life would change for the better or the worse but I know I am ready to move on. Maybe once I start pursuing all these things that I have been thinking about and planning for the majority of my life I might stop resenting my family.
I might stop thinking of them as the reason for my failure and discover that I am a failure on my own. It’s easier to blame my short comings and failures on other people and in this case it has been my family for a long time. Once I move out, I might discover other challenges and reasons that contribute to my failure shifting the blame off my family. I might be able to grow. More importantly, I might be able to love them.
One things for sure, I am done. I know what needs to happen. I have to move out when I can. I have to keep reminding myself that this is all coming from a place of love. Firstly, this is so that I can love myself. Secondly, this is so that I can start loving my family. I may resent them now BUT I want to move out to separate them from my failures. They are free to live the life they want to and so am I. Once their negativity and vibe can no longer affect me, I believe I would be able to look past it and star loving them.
Stay safe. Keeping loving yourself and each other.