Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.Lucius Annaeus Seneca
When you are physically and mentally exhausted, you are at your most vulnerable. When you have no more tears to shed because you’re all dried up, that’s when you’re at your weakest. Your ego uses the opportunity to bring you down. It takes advantage of your weakness and strikes. It attacks your inner child. I struggled trying to nurture my inner child today. Took a lot of effort. The most effort it has taken in a while. The vibes were off but I’m glad I experienced it. It has strengthened my resolve.
For those of you who have had suicidal thoughts, you just want to end it all. It seems like the easiest option. You just want the endless cycle of pain to stop. A part of you wants to inflict pain upon the people who claim to love you. They don’t understand. No one understands. You are all alone. You just want to end it all…give up. You want to let everything you’ve worked so hard for go. You think to yourself “What’s the fucking point?” You lose sight of why you started living life this way.
I never had the “courage” to do it. I was more “religious” back then so I had the fear of God and Hell in me that stopped me from doing anything about it. I did do my research on it. I found out different ways of doing it. There are so many ways but they all had pain involved. There was an element of regret in all those methods. I found that moments before the point of no return, everyone wished they hadn’t gone through with it. There is that survival instinct that kicks in…a fear that helps you stop and forces you to live.
I want to clarify that I am not glorifying suicide nor advocating for it. I am just saying that I get it. I get why you want to do it.
All I can say is please don’t. It doesn’t help knowing that someone else is having similar thoughts or is going through the same thing as you. I never found comfort in it. Some of you might feel better, some of you might not. If what I say next helps then I’m glad. If it doesn’t help then that sucks. I guess you’re like me. You look at it as if it is a solo battle that you need to win on your own.
I realised that I am not going to let all these motherfuckers win. I am not going to give up. I am not going to stop fighting. You feel like shit. Take that shit in. Embrace it. Feel sad. Go through the motions. Once you’re done…once you feel better, you fucking pick yourself up and you start again.
If I kill myself, I let them have the last laugh. I let them win. There is no way I am going to give them the satisfaction of getting that victory over me. You may affect my life now but I will not let you win.
I chose to become stubborn. That’s my response to the factors affecting me negatively at the moment. I realise that they exist for the time being and I have to deal with them until I can do something about it. So until that fortuitous moment shall present itself, I will be stubborn.
It is more courageous to live. To face your problems head on. To not give up. That is real courage. Killing yourself is the coward’s way out. I have been a coward my whole life. I have decided to finally stand up for myself. To stand up for everything I believe in.
That’s how I see it. That’s what keeps me going.
If you like to share your sorrows with people hit me the fuck up. I got you fam. If you believe in fighting this solo here’s my perspective on it.
Good luck out there. Stay strong.