He imagined them sitting somewhere, just enjoying each other’s company, her head on his chest, his arm around her. And he realised how desperately lonely he had become.Tim LaHaye
My whole life I have been uncomfortable with physical touch and intimacy of any sorts. Recently however, I feel like that has changed. I had gotten together to meet up and have some food together with some friends. A friend and I worked together and grilled the food on the BBQ while the rest waited. The food was bomb. After the food everyone had gone inside the room while I stayed out with a couple of people.
I laid down on a bench outside and stared at the sky as I cooled down. The other people with me were talking to each other and I zoned out. In that moment, for some reason, I had the sudden urge to cuddle someone. It felt like I had just ran head first into a wall. It felt like this huge tsunami wave had just crashed into me taking me away with it. That happy content mood I was in went away. Instead there was a sense of dread and loneliness. Despite being surrounded by people I felt alone. All my energy drained immediately. All due to one ridiculous thought, that for some reason, chose to arose in that moment.
I just wanted to cuddle with a person as I lay there on that bench. There was a nice breeze rolling in and I was happy until that urge to cuddle crept up on me. I kind of lost interest in everything else that was happening.
For the first time in my life I WANTED someone to cuddle me. I am aware that most of you reading this are just thinking to yourselves that I am a weirdo and to that I say, I am a weirdo. This may be a normal thing for you but for me this is totally new. I do not have these urges or thoughts. Now I have had that thought and I feel bad.
My heart felt and still feels heavy as I write this. I feel butterflies in my heart. All that I want to do is cuddle someone. All that I am thinking about is cuddling someone. My heart feels like it is going to break into pieces. I want to feel their warmth. I want to listen to their heart beating. I, again for the first time, WANT intimacy. I feel selfish.
That thought feels wrong because that is not what I normally think of. It feels wrong because I am cuddling with someone in my thoughts without their consent if that makes sense. I am fantasizing about cuddling. How creepy is that? I feel ashamed. I feel guilty for having these thoughts that this person did not consent to. I feel that there is a breach of trust. This person has chosen to let me be a part of their world and I am breaching that trust.
I feel like a snake in the grass. I feel like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I do not have thoughts like these and now that I have for the first time it feels like I am inauthentic. I feel like I am a sly and conniving person who is out here being selfish. I promise you my thoughts come from a place of love. I legit had no control over it. If I did, I wouldn’t have had the thought of cuddling.
The problem is I did. No matter what I do I cannot take it back. It has been thought of now. This is something I have to live with now. I just have to remind myself that the only control I have is on my actions and my words. I cannot control every egoistic thought that comes into my head. Therefore, I shall not focus my energy on it. I shall focus on the things that I have control of.
I made a reddit post and looked through reddit as well to better understand what I am going through. Normally, listening to other people’s experiences don’t provide me with comfort. This time I felt like I need that comfort. Apparently a lot of people go through similar things. I just had the thought of cuddling but apparently people have sexual thoughts about their platonic friends all the time. It seems normal. Yet, here I am, feeling like a piece of shit.
Part of me knows that this is real because this is how I feel. Another part of me feels guilty and ashamed for having these thoughts. Now here I sit, conflicted. I do not know what I am feeling. All I know is that it is real and I don’t know how to process it. I can’t remember having such strong feelings in the past. A part of me is happy that this is normal and I am human. Another part of me expected me to do better and stay away from these kinds of things. I don’t know.
This is new to me. I am pretty confident that is just a mood swing or a phase that will pass. I thought it was interesting that I was feeling this for legitimately the first time in my life and I felt like journaling it would help me better understand it. I can confirm that it has not helped me better understand it. If anything I am worrying about it even more.
I cannot explain why this is happening all I know is that it is happening.
I can only control the things that are within my control.
I guess I just need to appreciate the collateral beauty of it all.
I guess, finally at the age of 27, I just hit puberty.
I would love to hear about your stories and how you dealt with the same feelings if you have ever had them before.