If we don’t place the straitjacket of gender roles on young children, we give them space to reach their full potential.Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Before getting into this, the idea of this website was to kind of vomit whatever came to my mind. I was hoping this would help me get over my fears of expressing myself and alongside that I’d be able to work on myself. You’d get a deep dive into my mind and I’d be able to feel like I am doing something with my life. I was hoping those going through the same things as me would be able to relate and feel like they weren’t alone.
The goal was to talk about positive things and the good vibes but I’m sure as all of you have noticed the website has a bit of a negative vibe. For some reason it is so much easier to write when you are in that negative vibe. When you’re sad or depressed it just becomes easier to pour your heart out. I guess this is why a lot of artists work best when they’re sad. It just comes naturally and you let go of all your inhibitions and get to work.
When I’m happy, I sort of just vibe and enjoy the moment. The last thing on my mind is to write about it because I’m too busy just enjoying it in the moment. Hopefully, the vibe of the website turns around soon and all of you can be a part of the good parts of my life and not just the negative parts.
Now onto the sad shit.
Growing up I wasn’t your typical boy. While I loved playing sports, video games and cars, I kind of always loved dancing, weddings and rom coms as well. Stuff that “normal” boys didn’t like. I kind of gravitated towards women and felt like they just had so much more fun than the guys did. In my culture, the men and women sit in separate rooms. The men act all macho in their room while the women get to take off their hijabs and relax. The men would kind of just sit there discussing politics and the news. Then you walk into the women’s room and they’re laughing and joking around and having a good time. I guess I knew, since I was a kid that I just wanted to have a good time.
I was bullied as a kid. What a segue right? A majority of kids go through some form of bullying. That doesn’t give me an excuse for being weak. It’s just that growing up I was told to never hit anyone no matter what happens. My parents would tell me that I would get in trouble for fighting. If someone was to pick on me I was to go talk to the teacher. They put a 10 year old boy in that overwhelming position. Not only do I have to deal with the bullying, which I don’t even understand why it was happening in the first place, but I also had to build up the courage and in an essence snitch on the bullies to the teacher.
Snitches get stitches. A 10 year old boy in a position like that. Overwhelming.
My parents told me I’d get in trouble by the school and then by my parents as well. Therefore, I never stood up for myself. I never fought with anyone. I’d get beat up or verbally bullied and kind of just take it all in. I didn’t have many people I could trust growing up. People I’d consider friends would talk about me behind my back. I’d share secrets with “friends” that were then spread around the school. I was never invited to anything. I do not blame them. Everyone has a right to choose whoever they want to be friends with. I cannot control what other people think of me.
I also cannot change the past. In a way I had made my peace with it but for the past couple of weeks the theme has been coming back up.
I am not a “man.”
I keep getting told by a lot of people around me. I know they’re joking. I know they don’t mean ill intent. It’s just that my ego holds on to it and over exaggerates the whole situation. Those same friends have reiterated several times that I am a “man.” However, my ego chooses to ignore those thoughts. My ego is louder than my higher self at the moment.
The ego gets me thinking about the whole issue. I never stood up for myself. I like all these weird feminine things that normal men don’t like. Recently, I randomly met a wedding dress designer at a café with my friends and I was more excited than the women that were there with me. I don’t look at women like most men do. I get uncomfortable around women. While I am working on that it’s just a bit frustrating that I cannot let go of it. My ego clings on to how people are joking that I am not a “man.”
My higher self is totally fine. I understand that there is no hate. I understand that this is coming from a place of love. I joke around with other people from a place of love. I don’t normally voice what my ego is clinging on to. I choose not to give it that power, that voice. Also, I don’t say anything to my friends because I don’t want them to treat me any differently just because my ego cannot handle it.
Ironic how I’m giving my ego a voice by writing this out.
That’s kind of the problem with being open with your friends. They’ll start to sugar coat things and treat you differently so that they don’t accidentally hurt you when in reality it’s just a bit of banter. That’s why my friends have no clue for the time being that I even have this website up. Well 2 friends do know but I love them and trust them. It just gives me the chance to kind of write whatever comes to mind. It gives me that chance to tell you what my ego is telling me in my head without being judged or burdening my friends.
My friends are amazing. I know they won’t feel burdened at all. If anything they would want me to share my thoughts and feelings. I know I want them to share their thoughts and feelings when they go through something similar. The problem is my ego is telling me otherwise and at the moment it is the louder voice.
I am perfectly capable of taking a joke. I like to make jokes and I don’t mind taking jokes at all. My energy has just dipped recently and the following questions naturally popped up in my head.
Why is all this triggering me now as opposed to before?
I can think of a couple of reasons as to why if I’m being honest. The ego clinging on to the thoughts I have mentioned above could be one point.
I think the real issue is not the thought that I am not a “man.” There is another issue as well that I am too afraid to talk about for now. Maybe in the future. Who knows? I certainly don’t know when I’ll be ready. I know, for now, that I do not possess the courage to voice those thoughts for when I do I will not be able to take those words back. Once I voice those concerns they will become real. For now I’ve decided to focus on how I am not a “man.”
I am glad I went through what I did in my childhood. That’s kind of made me who I am. While I am not perfect, I am content with where I am in my life. Can things be better? Sure, but I’m still content and happy with where I am at.
It’s just that since I am not a “traditional man” according to society, how will I be able to get a partner in life?
If she cannot see me as a “man,” then how will she decide to spend the rest of her life with me?
How will I raise my kids?
I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself. I don’t know how to stand up for myself. How will I be able to teach that to my kids if I don’t know how to do it?
How will I preach what I do not practice?
There is a certain hypocrisy to parenting that I’ll talk about in another article. I’ll try to make that more positive than this but I don’t see how I’ll be able to do that.
I don’t want anyone to feel the way I do. It sucks. I am a pussy. What can I do about it? I guess acknowledging the issue is the first step to fixing anything.
For a long time I have been insecure about this. I feel inadequate. At this point I don’t know how to process it. That’s why I’m here writing about it, hoping that as I vomit everything out things will start to make sense. They don’t make complete sense at the moment but hopefully they will in the future.
As I do write this, I do feel much more calm and relaxed now. It’s all about gaining some perspective. I cannot change my past. I can only affect my future by controlling the present.
I am 100% confident that I want to always come from a place of love. I want to trust people completely. If they cherish that trust then I welcome them with open arms. If they abuse that trust then I have learned more about them as a person. Therefore, that is what I shall try to do as I move forward. If that means not living like a “man” then I am fine with that.
Let’s see what else life has got planned for me.
I hope to one day possess the courage to address the real issue that is causing me this discomfort. Unfortunately, I am not ready for it just yet.