Tag Archives: Confused

I Am Not A “Man”

If we don’t place the straitjacket of gender roles on young children, we give them space to reach their full potential.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Photo by Alvin Decena on Pexels.com

Before getting into this, the idea of this website was to kind of vomit whatever came to my mind. I was hoping this would help me get over my fears of expressing myself and alongside that I’d be able to work on myself. You’d get a deep dive into my mind and I’d be able to feel like I am doing something with my life. I was hoping those going through the same things as me would be able to relate and feel like they weren’t alone.

The goal was to talk about positive things and the good vibes but I’m sure as all of you have noticed the website has a bit of a negative vibe. For some reason it is so much easier to write when you are in that negative vibe. When you’re sad or depressed it just becomes easier to pour your heart out. I guess this is why a lot of artists work best when they’re sad. It just comes naturally and you let go of all your inhibitions and get to work.

When I’m happy, I sort of just vibe and enjoy the moment. The last thing on my mind is to write about it because I’m too busy just enjoying it in the moment. Hopefully, the vibe of the website turns around soon and all of you can be a part of the good parts of my life and not just the negative parts.

Now onto the sad shit.

Growing up I wasn’t your typical boy. While I loved playing sports, video games and cars, I kind of always loved dancing, weddings and rom coms as well. Stuff that “normal” boys didn’t like. I kind of gravitated towards women and felt like they just had so much more fun than the guys did. In my culture, the men and women sit in separate rooms. The men act all macho in their room while the women get to take off their hijabs and relax. The men would kind of just sit there discussing politics and the news. Then you walk into the women’s room and they’re laughing and joking around and having a good time. I guess I knew, since I was a kid that I just wanted to have a good time.

I was bullied as a kid. What a segue right? A majority of kids go through some form of bullying. That doesn’t give me an excuse for being weak. It’s just that growing up I was told to never hit anyone no matter what happens. My parents would tell me that I would get in trouble for fighting. If someone was to pick on me I was to go talk to the teacher. They put a 10 year old boy in that overwhelming position. Not only do I have to deal with the bullying, which I don’t even understand why it was happening in the first place, but I also had to build up the courage and in an essence snitch on the bullies to the teacher.

Snitches get stitches. A 10 year old boy in a position like that. Overwhelming.

My parents told me I’d get in trouble by the school and then by my parents as well. Therefore, I never stood up for myself. I never fought with anyone. I’d get beat up or verbally bullied and kind of just take it all in. I didn’t have many people I could trust growing up. People I’d consider friends would talk about me behind my back. I’d share secrets with “friends” that were then spread around the school. I was never invited to anything. I do not blame them. Everyone has a right to choose whoever they want to be friends with. I cannot control what other people think of me.

I also cannot change the past. In a way I had made my peace with it but for the past couple of weeks the theme has been coming back up.

I am not a “man.”

I keep getting told by a lot of people around me. I know they’re joking. I know they don’t mean ill intent. It’s just that my ego holds on to it and over exaggerates the whole situation. Those same friends have reiterated several times that I am a “man.” However, my ego chooses to ignore those thoughts. My ego is louder than my higher self at the moment.

The ego gets me thinking about the whole issue. I never stood up for myself. I like all these weird feminine things that normal men don’t like. Recently, I randomly met a wedding dress designer at a café with my friends and I was more excited than the women that were there with me. I don’t look at women like most men do. I get uncomfortable around women. While I am working on that it’s just a bit frustrating that I cannot let go of it. My ego clings on to how people are joking that I am not a “man.”

My higher self is totally fine. I understand that there is no hate. I understand that this is coming from a place of love. I joke around with other people from a place of love. I don’t normally voice what my ego is clinging on to. I choose not to give it that power, that voice. Also, I don’t say anything to my friends because I don’t want them to treat me any differently just because my ego cannot handle it.

Ironic how I’m giving my ego a voice by writing this out.

That’s kind of the problem with being open with your friends. They’ll start to sugar coat things and treat you differently so that they don’t accidentally hurt you when in reality it’s just a bit of banter. That’s why my friends have no clue for the time being that I even have this website up. Well 2 friends do know but I love them and trust them. It just gives me the chance to kind of write whatever comes to mind. It gives me that chance to tell you what my ego is telling me in my head without being judged or burdening my friends.

My friends are amazing. I know they won’t feel burdened at all. If anything they would want me to share my thoughts and feelings. I know I want them to share their thoughts and feelings when they go through something similar. The problem is my ego is telling me otherwise and at the moment it is the louder voice.

I am perfectly capable of taking a joke. I like to make jokes and I don’t mind taking jokes at all. My energy has just dipped recently and the following questions naturally popped up in my head.

Why now?

Why is all this triggering me now as opposed to before?

I can think of a couple of reasons as to why if I’m being honest. The ego clinging on to the thoughts I have mentioned above could be one point.

I think the real issue is not the thought that I am not a “man.” There is another issue as well that I am too afraid to talk about for now. Maybe in the future. Who knows? I certainly don’t know when I’ll be ready. I know, for now, that I do not possess the courage to voice those thoughts for when I do I will not be able to take those words back.  Once I voice those concerns they will become real. For now I’ve decided to focus on how I am not a “man.”

I am glad I went through what I did in my childhood. That’s kind of made me who I am. While I am not perfect, I am content with where I am in my life. Can things be better? Sure, but I’m still content and happy with where I am at.

It’s just that since I am not a “traditional man” according to society, how will I be able to get a partner in life?

If she cannot see me as a “man,” then how will she decide to spend the rest of her life with me?

How will I raise my kids?

I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself. I don’t know how to stand up for myself. How will I be able to teach that to my kids if I don’t know how to do it?

How will I preach what I do not practice?

There is a certain hypocrisy to parenting that I’ll talk about in another article. I’ll try to make that more positive than this but I don’t see how I’ll be able to do that.  

I don’t want anyone to feel the way I do. It sucks. I am a pussy. What can I do about it? I guess acknowledging the issue is the first step to fixing anything.

For a long time I have been insecure about this. I feel inadequate. At this point I don’t know how to process it. That’s why I’m here writing about it, hoping that as I vomit everything out things will start to make sense. They don’t make complete sense at the moment but hopefully they will in the future.

As I do write this, I do feel much more calm and relaxed now. It’s all about gaining some perspective. I cannot change my past. I can only affect my future by controlling the present.

I am 100% confident that I want to always come from a place of love. I want to trust people completely. If they cherish that trust then I welcome them with open arms. If they abuse that trust then I have learned more about them as a person. Therefore, that is what I shall try to do as I move forward. If that means not living like a “man” then I am fine with that.              

Let’s see what else life has got planned for me.

I hope to one day possess the courage to address the real issue that is causing me this discomfort. Unfortunately, I am not ready for it just yet.

Woah….I want to Cuddle?

He imagined them sitting somewhere, just enjoying each other’s company, her head on his chest, his arm around her. And he realised how desperately lonely he had become.  

Tim LaHaye
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

My whole life I have been uncomfortable with physical touch and intimacy of any sorts. Recently however, I feel like that has changed. I had gotten together to meet up and have some food together with some friends. A friend and I worked together and grilled the food on the BBQ while the rest waited. The food was bomb. After the food everyone had gone inside the room while I stayed out with a couple of people.

I laid down on a bench outside and stared at the sky as I cooled down. The other people with me were talking to each other and I zoned out. In that moment, for some reason, I had the sudden urge to cuddle someone. It felt like I had just ran head first into a wall. It felt like this huge tsunami wave had just crashed into me taking me away with it. That happy content mood I was in went away. Instead there was a sense of dread and loneliness. Despite being surrounded by people I felt alone. All my energy drained immediately. All due to one ridiculous thought, that for some reason, chose to arose in that moment.

I just wanted to cuddle with a person as I lay there on that bench. There was a nice breeze rolling in and I was happy until that urge to cuddle crept up on me. I kind of lost interest in everything else that was happening.

For the first time in my life I WANTED someone to cuddle me. I am aware that most of you reading this are just thinking to yourselves that I am a weirdo and to that I say, I am a weirdo. This may be a normal thing for you but for me this is totally new. I do not have these urges or thoughts. Now I have had that thought and I feel bad.

My heart felt and still feels heavy as I write this. I feel butterflies in my heart. All that I want to do is cuddle someone. All that I am thinking about is cuddling someone. My heart feels like it is going to break into pieces. I want to feel their warmth. I want to listen to their heart beating. I, again for the first time, WANT intimacy. I feel selfish.

That thought feels wrong because that is not what I normally think of. It feels wrong because I am cuddling with someone in my thoughts without their consent if that makes sense. I am fantasizing about cuddling. How creepy is that? I feel ashamed. I feel guilty for having these thoughts that this person did not consent to. I feel that there is a breach of trust. This person has chosen to let me be a part of their world and I am breaching that trust.

I feel like a snake in the grass. I feel like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I do not have thoughts like these and now that I have for the first time it feels like I am inauthentic. I feel like I am a sly and conniving person who is out here being selfish. I promise you my thoughts come from a place of love. I legit had no control over it. If I did, I wouldn’t have had the thought of cuddling.

The problem is I did. No matter what I do I cannot take it back. It has been thought of now. This is something I have to live with now. I just have to remind myself that the only control I have is on my actions and my words. I cannot control every egoistic thought that comes into my head. Therefore, I shall not focus my energy on it. I shall focus on the things that I have control of.

I made a reddit post and looked through reddit as well to better understand what I am going through. Normally, listening to other people’s experiences don’t provide me with comfort. This time I felt like I need that comfort. Apparently a lot of people go through similar things. I just had the thought of cuddling but apparently people have sexual thoughts about their platonic friends all the time. It seems normal. Yet, here I am, feeling like a piece of shit.

Part of me knows that this is real because this is how I feel. Another part of me feels guilty and ashamed for having these thoughts. Now here I sit, conflicted. I do not know what I am feeling. All I know is that it is real and I don’t know how to process it. I can’t remember having such strong feelings in the past. A part of me is happy that this is normal and I am human. Another part of me expected me to do better and stay away from these kinds of things. I don’t know.

This is new to me. I am pretty confident that is just a mood swing or a phase that will pass. I thought it was interesting that I was feeling this for legitimately the first time in my life and I felt like journaling it would help me better understand it. I can confirm that it has not helped me better understand it. If anything I am worrying about it even more.

I cannot explain why this is happening all I know is that it is happening.

I can only control the things that are within my control.

I guess I just need to appreciate the collateral beauty of it all.

I guess, finally at the age of 27, I just hit puberty.

I would love to hear about your stories and how you dealt with the same feelings if you have ever had them before.

Misunderstanding Words

Words have power. When, used properly, can convey the message from the speaker to the listener. However, things get complicated when you tie words to emotions. When you try to describe a feeling with words. It’s hard to translate that into a verbal dictionary. That experience, that emotion is more than just a couple of words. The spoken word is so limited that it cannot be used to fully express an emotion. There will be a difference in the actual emotion and the words being used to describe it.

I don’t know why but I feel hurt today. A friend said something to me and while I am fairly confident it was a joke, it just hurt. I feel like the words used were unnecessary and uncalled for. It felt like that person took the opportunity to hit me in front of the rest of the squad. Had this been in private or in a smaller group I wouldn’t have minded. However, this was in front of everyone. I normally dish out jokes and can take a hit as well. For some reason this felt personal.

That’s the problem with texts and words. The context is lost. The tone is lost. Messages can be easily misinterpreted. Again, I am fairly certain this person said what they said as a joke. I have chosen to understand it as an attack on me that was unnecessary and that has hurt me. If this was a conversation in real life the tone of voice would’ve conveyed the message more accurately. It would’ve been a different setting.

Besides being hurt you then start to doubt yourself. Do you confront this person and ask them if everything is ok? Does that make you look petty? Does that make you look like a wimp who can’t take a joke? I know my feelings are valid because I am experiencing it. How do I deal with this? How do you deal with it? I would love to know. The problem is once you confront them you know that things will change. They won’t be the same again.

I guess I’m just a bit sensitive at the moment. We normally tend to ask ourselves why but I have been trying to stray away from that. Does anybody ask why the tree grows? No. It grows for that is its nature. We ask “how does a tree grow?” or “what does a tree do to grow?” I need to dive deep and see what triggered this response. How can I deal with this response? Then maybe I can ask why I felt triggered at the joke.

My initial instinct is to just ask the person the intent and to avoid any miscommunications but I don’t know why I’m hesitant to do that this time.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. I guess I just had to get this out so that I may be able to sleep. Whether I do fall asleep or stay up all night thinking about it I do not know. We shall see what happens. There’s no fancy picture or quote for this one. I just wanted to get this out of my system.

I’d love to hear if any of you have gone through something similar and how you dealt with it.