Tag Archives: Control

Insecurities Control Me

One of the greatest journeys in life is overcoming insecurity and learning to truly not give a shit.

J.A Konrath
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

All of us have insecurities, about one thing or another. Everyone deals with it in different ways. Some people like to journal. Some people like to let it out by talking with their friends and family. Some people go through self-affirmations reminding themselves about all the positives in life. Regardless of what you do, I believe that all you’re looking for is perspective.

Your insecurities can easily cause you lose sight and perspective of the truth. You get stuck in this loop. A simple insecurity such as “They don’t love me” or “I am all alone” can be triggered by a very small event. The reaction however can be blown out of proportions due to your insecurities.

During those intense moments, your reactions are flared up. You may still be thinking clearly. You may still be telling yourself that these thoughts are due to your insecurities flaring up. You tell yourself that these thoughts are not based on the truth.

You know that these thoughts are illogical. Yet you can’t help it. You can’t help think these thoughts. You can’t help but feel these emotions. That’s the problem with your insecurities getting triggered. Despite knowing all this, you can’t help but feel angry or mad. You can’t help but get pissed off.

 I still haven’t figured out what works for me. I get triggered and I don’t know what to do to get out of that zone. I try to do all the things listed above but nothing helps. Then after a while, I automatically calm down. I don’t know why I calm down either. It just happens on its own.

I can get all the perspective I want in the world but I can’t seem to get out of the triggered state I get sucked into. I want to be able to figure this out so that I don’t get triggered in the first place. Actually, I don’t think it’s even possible to not get triggered. I feel like that’s a normal reaction. Is it possible to not have insecurities?

If I do get triggered and if I could better understand it I would know how to get myself out of that state. I feel like that would be the most realistic way of trying to deal with my insecurities. But how? Nothing I do seems to be working. It just takes time and it goes away when I get exhausted.

Either way, it’s not pleasant getting triggered and feeling hurt for no legitimate reason. It gets exhausting to the people around me as well and the last thing I want to do is pass on the hurt to other people. I don’t want other people suffering due to my insecurities.

Regaining perspective seems to be the most recommended option out there so I guess I just need to keep working on myself to the point where I can regain my perspective and chill out. This ties in to the whole ego wanting to be in control thing as well. It purposefully gets hurt and bruised. That feeds the ego and makes it stronger.

Once the ego is in control of your thoughts and emotions it’s very hard to snap out of it. That’s the case for me anyways. Regardless of what I am going through or how difficult it is I have learned one thing recently.

The work is never done.

The process of self-improvement is a continuous one. Each day, each moment is a battle. All anyone can do is try their best and that’s what I am going to do.

Woah….I want to Cuddle?

He imagined them sitting somewhere, just enjoying each other’s company, her head on his chest, his arm around her. And he realised how desperately lonely he had become.  

Tim LaHaye
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

My whole life I have been uncomfortable with physical touch and intimacy of any sorts. Recently however, I feel like that has changed. I had gotten together to meet up and have some food together with some friends. A friend and I worked together and grilled the food on the BBQ while the rest waited. The food was bomb. After the food everyone had gone inside the room while I stayed out with a couple of people.

I laid down on a bench outside and stared at the sky as I cooled down. The other people with me were talking to each other and I zoned out. In that moment, for some reason, I had the sudden urge to cuddle someone. It felt like I had just ran head first into a wall. It felt like this huge tsunami wave had just crashed into me taking me away with it. That happy content mood I was in went away. Instead there was a sense of dread and loneliness. Despite being surrounded by people I felt alone. All my energy drained immediately. All due to one ridiculous thought, that for some reason, chose to arose in that moment.

I just wanted to cuddle with a person as I lay there on that bench. There was a nice breeze rolling in and I was happy until that urge to cuddle crept up on me. I kind of lost interest in everything else that was happening.

For the first time in my life I WANTED someone to cuddle me. I am aware that most of you reading this are just thinking to yourselves that I am a weirdo and to that I say, I am a weirdo. This may be a normal thing for you but for me this is totally new. I do not have these urges or thoughts. Now I have had that thought and I feel bad.

My heart felt and still feels heavy as I write this. I feel butterflies in my heart. All that I want to do is cuddle someone. All that I am thinking about is cuddling someone. My heart feels like it is going to break into pieces. I want to feel their warmth. I want to listen to their heart beating. I, again for the first time, WANT intimacy. I feel selfish.

That thought feels wrong because that is not what I normally think of. It feels wrong because I am cuddling with someone in my thoughts without their consent if that makes sense. I am fantasizing about cuddling. How creepy is that? I feel ashamed. I feel guilty for having these thoughts that this person did not consent to. I feel that there is a breach of trust. This person has chosen to let me be a part of their world and I am breaching that trust.

I feel like a snake in the grass. I feel like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I do not have thoughts like these and now that I have for the first time it feels like I am inauthentic. I feel like I am a sly and conniving person who is out here being selfish. I promise you my thoughts come from a place of love. I legit had no control over it. If I did, I wouldn’t have had the thought of cuddling.

The problem is I did. No matter what I do I cannot take it back. It has been thought of now. This is something I have to live with now. I just have to remind myself that the only control I have is on my actions and my words. I cannot control every egoistic thought that comes into my head. Therefore, I shall not focus my energy on it. I shall focus on the things that I have control of.

I made a reddit post and looked through reddit as well to better understand what I am going through. Normally, listening to other people’s experiences don’t provide me with comfort. This time I felt like I need that comfort. Apparently a lot of people go through similar things. I just had the thought of cuddling but apparently people have sexual thoughts about their platonic friends all the time. It seems normal. Yet, here I am, feeling like a piece of shit.

Part of me knows that this is real because this is how I feel. Another part of me feels guilty and ashamed for having these thoughts. Now here I sit, conflicted. I do not know what I am feeling. All I know is that it is real and I don’t know how to process it. I can’t remember having such strong feelings in the past. A part of me is happy that this is normal and I am human. Another part of me expected me to do better and stay away from these kinds of things. I don’t know.

This is new to me. I am pretty confident that is just a mood swing or a phase that will pass. I thought it was interesting that I was feeling this for legitimately the first time in my life and I felt like journaling it would help me better understand it. I can confirm that it has not helped me better understand it. If anything I am worrying about it even more.

I cannot explain why this is happening all I know is that it is happening.

I can only control the things that are within my control.

I guess I just need to appreciate the collateral beauty of it all.

I guess, finally at the age of 27, I just hit puberty.

I would love to hear about your stories and how you dealt with the same feelings if you have ever had them before.

Surrender To Life

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

Charles R. Swindoll
Photo by Simon Clayton on Pexels.com

Complete Surrender. That is how I try to live my life, in complete surrender. I try to surrender to life. I try to surrender to love. I try to surrender to the universe. I try to surrender to the environment. I try to surrender to what may be happening to me.

As we live life we come across many things that affect us. We often find ourselves worrying about the future and contemplating on the past. While it is good to have a plan for the future, we tend to live in the thoughts of the future.

I went to a Tai Chi class for the first time. I have wanted to do Tai Chi since the day I found out that in the TV Show Avatar The Last Airbender, the movements for water bending is based off of the ancient Chinese martial arts of Tai Chi. I love water bending because of it’s healing properties so naturally when the opportunity came to try it I couldn’t say no.

Tai Chi is all about the breath. It’s about relaxing. It’s about letting go and flowing with what comes towards you. I just flowed, with whatever was happening. I was in a state of tranquillity. I was relaxed.

I was reminded by how I want to live my life, in complete surrender. I will only worry about the things within my control. The things that I do not control, do not warrant any attention or effort from me. We are not going to spend our time thinking about that. We are going to spend our time, energy and efforts on what we do control.

We are going to focus on the now.

I control my actions. I control my work ethic. I control me. I cannot control anything outside of me so why bother?

Does this person like me? Will I get this job? Will I do well in my exams? I do not have control over all the factors that will affect these decisions.

All I can do is control my own vibe and let things flow. Whatever will happen, will happen. I can only hope for the best.

We are constantly reacting to whatever happens to us. That’s all that we can do.

Relax. Breathe. Let go. Channel all of your energy into yourself. Enjoy Life. It’ll all be fine.

We got this far. Don’t worry. We’ll also get to where we need to go.

Get Out of Your Head

Your cure is within you, yet you do not sense it! Your sickness is from you, yet you do not see it! You consider yourself a small body; yet encapsulated within you is the entire universe.

Quote by Imam Ali RA
Photo by Lukas Rychvalsky on Pexels.com

A good friend of mine shared this with me today and this is absolutely beautiful. We come into this world on our own and we leave this world on our own. Sure our family and friends are there but the majority of our time is spent alone.

We spend a lot of our time thinking in our heads. We have happy thoughts and sad thoughts. There are moments where we feel great. We are ready to take on the world. There are moments where we feel useless. We just want to hide from the world. There are moments where we feel big and powerful. There are moments where we feel small and worthless.

In my opinion, there will always be positive and negative feelings…emotions that we have to deal with on a daily basis. Depending on our mental state, some people have an easier time while others don’t.

There are a number of things that I do to help me deal with the negative thoughts and emotions that I go through. I am aware that these are unhealthy thoughts but I can’t help feel and think these thoughts and emotions. All I can do is try to deal with it the best way I can. I believe therapy is the best way to do this but until I go get therapy I try to cope/deal with them the best I can.

1 – Forgive yourself

Making “mistakes” is inevitable. Straying off your routine is bound to happen. We as humans are designed to make “mistakes”. We are designed to fail. We are also designed to persevere when we do fail. To be able to get back up after making a “mistake” or missing a workout is important. In order to do that you need to forgive yourself and move on. If you dwell on your shortcomings you’re going to be stuck in this rut. You will hold yourself back. You won’t love yourself and it’ll make life harder than it already is. Forgive yourself when you make a mistake and move on.

2 – Empathy

We tend to be more empathetic towards others than we are to ourselves. Think about it. When you miss a workout you tend to be harsh on yourself. You call yourself useless and fat. You beat yourself up about it. When a friend comes to you and complains how they missed a workout you tend to be more supportive. You tell them things like “It’s ok to take a break” or “You’ll get back at it tomorrow.” We tend to criticise ourselves very harshly. What I’ve tried to do is to talk to myself the way I would talk to my friends, with empathy. I’ve been trying to be less harsh towards myself.

Hold yourself to the same standards that you hold your friends to. There’s a hypocrisy in the way we act. We pretend that the standard we have set for ourselves is much higher while for our family and friends is much lower. Why do we do that? Shouldn’t the standards be the same? Isn’t that why we call them standards?

The reason why we hold our family and friends to a lower standard is because we look at them with empathy. We understand how life gets in the way. We understand how lack of sleep can be detrimental. However, when it comes to ourselves these excuses become unacceptable. Our ego pretends that we are better than the rest of them and in return we are very harsh on ourselves. That becomes more damaging than helpful.

3 – You hold the power

You are not helpless. This is what the quote above pertains to in my opinion. It is important to remind ourselves that we are not helpless. We hold the power. If we want to change, we have to put in the effort and change. We have to mould ourselves. We have to focus on the things we have control over. There is no point in thinking about things out of your control. Realigning your focus on things you have control over helps by changing the task at hand into a more manageable and less overwhelming tasks. It helps you come out of the victim mentality where you feel like everything is someone else’s fault rather than your own. Once you are able to come out of that mind-set, you start taking charge of your life. You start controlling and changing things within your control. Before you know it, you’ll be on the way.

4 – Rationalise the negative thoughts and feelings

This is a huge one that I struggle with on a daily basis. One of the absolute worst thoughts I have, that I’m assuming many others do as well (if not…oops), is I think people don’t care about me or love me. I tend to get disheartened when I don’t get a reply to a text message. I feel unloved when plans get cancelled or people hang out without me. I know I need therapy for this. From what I’ve read my behaviour is as a result of childhood trauma. Don’t really know how to STOP having those negative thoughts and feelings. Maybe they never stop. I don’t really know.

Instead what I try to do, to cope with this is rationalise those negative thoughts and emotions. I start with reminding myself that everybody has a life. They are busy doing other things. They are probably too busy to respond as I am when I get busy. That does not mean that they do not love me. If they did not love me, they would not be my friends. Once I remind myself of these things, most of the times, those thoughts and feelings go away. Sometimes I’m just lonely and would like to hang out with someone but since no one is free so you occupy yourself with other things.

5 – Look at things with Love

I try to look at every possible situation from a place of love. If I put on those “lenses” and look at the world from that perspective, suddenly, all of life’s problems disappear. My friend didn’t reply to me. I could choose to believe that they are ignoring me and hate me. I could choose to look at it from a place of love. They are probably busy and will reply when they are free. I am useless. I can choose to believe that or I can remind myself that I have accomplished so many things in life. A friend of mine has achieved something amazing. I can choose to be jealous of their success or I can choose to congratulate and support them reminding myself that their success does not take anything away from who I am.

I have noticed that when you’re first instinct is to come from a place of love or to look at things as an optimist you tend to be happier. All those negative thoughts disappear and you feel great again. I will talk about love on its own separately. Try to look at everything from a place of love.

These are a couple of things I do to try to keep loving myself. I try to remind myself of my worth to myself. I try to forgive myself.  Obviously these are no substitutes to therapy but hopefully it helps knowing that you’re all alone. We are all in this beautiful messed up situation together.

The most important thing to remember is to Keep Loving. Love yourself. Love others. Love everyone and everything.