Tag Archives: Discipline

Brewing In Self Hate

[T]hou canst not think worse of me than I do myself.

Robert Burton
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

Today was one of those where I just hated myself and everything that I did. Hate is a very strong word and I do not use that lightly. As harsh as it sounds, it was hate. As pure as it could be. All directed towards me.

I woke up late and missed out on a plan with the squad. Well to clarify I had woken up on time. I was depleted of energy, completely dead. I decided to go back to sleep.

Woke up a couple of hours later and went to work. Work was an alright day. Same as usual. Got home, made some food and passed out. Woke up a couple of hours later and worked out. The workout took forever because for some reason I was low on energy again. I finished the workout, had a late dinner and now I sit here typing this.

I can sort of explain why I hated myself today. It was just one of those days. I was upset at myself that I didn’t go to meet with the squad. Despite it not being in my control, I hated myself that I was so low on energy today. It took an enormous amount of effort to being my workout and get it done.

Even now as I type this out I absolutely hate myself.

Part of me is upset that today after a long time for some reason I felt alone. I was not content with my own company. I was upset that I couldn’t share this with anyone because I didn’t want to burden anyone.

This all goes back to my childhood I believe. I had parents that were emotionally unavailable. I didn’t really have any close friends. Today’s vibe reminded me of the past. It has taken a lot of work to get to where I am right now. Where I am content with myself…to a certain extent. However, I will have these random days where my vibes are just low. A small trigger such as the one today ends up affecting me enormously.

I will type out some of the questions and thoughts I had and how I tried to rationalise them to change my vibe. It didn’t really work but it did help make things better. I had to rationalise them as if I was giving advice to a friend.

I have noticed how we tend to be much more understand and comforting when giving advice to our friends. However, when it comes to ourselves we set a higher standard for ourselves and tend to be much more unforgiving and harsh. I tried to rationalise my thoughts as if I was speaking to a friend of mine. Trying to be understanding, comforting and loving rather than unforgiving.

You missed out on the squad meet.

I just hated myself for missing out on an opportunity to connect with people. I feel the happiest when I am out and connecting with people. Making real memories. I was just upset at how I gave in to my weakness, I succumbed to being on low energy and went back to sleep rather than going out and creating real moments. I tried to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world. There will be more meet ups in the future that I will be a part of. It is fine to feel low on energy and decide to take care of yourself. It’s fine to listen to what your body is telling you. Part of me believes that my body told me that because I am weak and the thoughts quickly escalated from there.

You are a loser.

The thought quickly turned into how I am a loser. I am never invited to events. I always miss out. I am never a part of anything. I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue as well. I am always invited. In fact the times that I do not go are my own choice due to work or, and this is where my thoughts took me next, is because I wasn’t able to wake up.

You are undisciplined.

I have been trying to wake up early since we went on lock down. I dream of being able to wake up at 5 AM and start the day with a work out before going to work. That way I have the rest of the day off. As you may be able to tell I have been unable to do so and I immediately started hating myself when I woke up.

“As usual Ammar, you were not able to wake up early because you are not disciplined in life.”

I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue. I have been working out consistently for the past 8 months with a couple of days off here and there. I manage to get to work on time. I get the things that need to be done throughout the day. I believe that my current lifestyle was only achieved based on my discipline.

You are fat.

I assumed that the low energy and negative vibes were due to a lack of food. I have been unable to properly eat for the past month now. The current schedule is all over the place and I haven’t been able to adhere to my intermittent fasting from 7 pm to 12 pm. Due to the schedule I have only been having 1 meal a day at midday for lunch. I told myself today that I would have 2 meals today regardless of the time for the second meal. I had a late dinner past 7 pm and immediately hated myself.

I had to rationalise this negative thought. Yes I may still be a bit fat but I have done a great job reducing my weight. I am in a much better place now. It is important to listen to your body and my body is telling me that I need more food. If I neglect what my body is telling me then I am going to end up hurting myself. Listen to your body and give it what it needs.

You have not achieved anything in life.

I am 27. No relationship. A job that does not fulfil me. A shit family life. No investments. No plan for the future. This thought was easier to rationalise for me. I have no clue what I want from life BUT I know what I don’t want and that’s this. I don’t want to be an Engineer. What do I want to do? I want to write, take photos and teach. I love connecting with people and want a job that allows me to do that.

My issues with my family are a bigger problem that I believe stem from a lack of space and boundaries. The only way to improve it is to move out. Maybe then I’ll have the space I need to do what I need to do without resenting them.

I don’t have any external investments BUT I am investing in myself. I am the biggest asset that I have. I will invest in myself and keep growing, bettering myself.

You have no friends. No one likes you.

While it is easy to victimise myself this is absolutely not true. I love the people in my life and I KNOW they love me. We hang out. We have fun. More importantly they include me. I was just being a victim to my own vibe and having thoughts that are untrue and baseless. I have been having this thought since I was a child. This thought stems from how I was always left out from activities with my “friends” as a kid. Due to that trauma, anytime someone doesn’t reply OR invite me I immediately go into the thought of how no one likes me.

I am ashamed of having this thought because they do love me. It will take time but I know that I have to outgrow this.

You have not grown. You are still the scared and sad little boy you were.

As a kid there was a lot of trauma that I went through. I didn’t realise it at the time BUT now I can see how that stuff fucked me up. I was alone most of the time. Forced into my own world of games and cartoons. I never went out. Just stayed at home. It was easier for me to shut myself out from the world. I didn’t know how else to deal with it. It was overwhelming.

I am not perfect. I don’t think anyone perfect exists. I am who I am. I went through my past. The child still exists within me. I have grown. I have made great strides in developing myself. Sure, there are times where I am sad but I bounce back. I am scared but I am also fearless. I am down for whatever the universe throws at me.

Hit me with your best shot. I got this. You can’t keep me down motherfucker. I am coming for you.

One small trigger caused me to spiral down all the way to here. It started with how I missed out and ended up with how this is all related to my past. I know that it is related to my past. I just had to remind myself that I cannot change the past. I must learn from it and grow. Once I grow, I will be able to become the person that I want to become.

The scared and sad little boy still exists as my inner child. I need to become the nurturing and loving parent that my inner child needs. The kind of parent I needed when I was younger. I need to listen to what my inner child is telling me. I need to give it the love and support it needs to feel safe. I need to be there for my inner child. I will be writing more about this as I learn more about my inner child.

“I love you my inner child. You are safe now.”

In the past there were more days where I hated myself and the affects were much worse. It took a long time for me to realise that I must be happy within my own company. I must put out the positive vibe that I want to receive and the universe will respond, as it has. I guess I hated myself because today it felt like, after a long time, I was exhausted and defeated by my past. I was defeated by this negative vibe.

While I embrace this, I realise that a lot of work still needs to be done by me. It’s one of those days where I had to take it easy. My body and vibe were telling me to take a break. What’s done is done now. I need to realise that I cannot change the past. All I can do is move forward. Tomorrow we start again. Maintain discipline. More importantly, we pump out the positive vibes.

Initially I left myself brew in this self-hate because it’s easy. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself. It’s easy to put yourself down. It takes no effort. It is VERY easy to slip down and just give up. It’s easy to give up on yourself and to give up on life. I have been there before. It takes no effort. Your ego does all the work for you. You just have to be passive and let the hate flow.

I had to remind myself that having the victim mentality is what I hated about my past self. I hated how I used to always be sad. I hated how I would make no effort whatsoever in improving whatever I could improve on. Even as I write this, even after all the rationalising in the world, I WANT to sit here and brew. I want to corrupt myself from within. I want to give up. I feel like that part of me will never die. I have to be strong enough to make sure that my aware self will always win over my ego.

If anyone has had similar experiences or is going through something right now hit me up. I can’t promise you any solutions. I can only promise to offer you a different perspective and my attentive ear that will listen to you.

Life is good. I am glad that I am alive.

Discipline is Key

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

At the age of 27 I have realised that Discipline is the key to life. If I’m being honest there are many keys to life, each one connected to the other BUT Discipline is a major key in life.

The way I do it is I have split my tasks into 2 groups:

  1. Shit that needs to get done
  2. Shit that doesn’t need to get done

The shit that doesn’t need to get done, most of the times, is the shit that I WANT to do so it gets done anyways. Things like watching a show on Netflix, shopping or eating at a fancy restaurant. These aren’t things that I consider compulsory or mandatory to do but I enjoy them and so they happen. I tend to let these things flow and not focus on them. If it happens, I enjoy the moment. If it doesn’t happen, it didn’t happen and I just move on. These things flow like the waves of the ocean. Some days I’ll do them, some days I won’t.

The shit that NEEDS to get done include things like working out, eating healthy, going to work or writing. To me these things are essential in living a healthy lifestyle. The working out and eating healthy keeps me physically fit. Going to work gets me paid and helps maintain the healthy lifestyle that I want. The writing helps keep me emotionally and mentally fit.

To get these things you need to develop a healthy habit of doing those things with keeping discipline in mind. Let’s use working out as an example. You need to start small. If you go on a 5k run on your first session, it’s going to do more harm than good. You may hurt yourself physically and you’ll be demotivated mentally as well. You’re going to be disheartened to continue running the next day.

The faster you try to change, the harder you’ll revert back into your old habits. They may even become worse.

The idea is to start slowly. You start by walking 1k a day and build on it until you get to 5k. Then once you’ve begun walking 5k a day, you can start to run 1k and walk the rest of the 4k and build on that. Once you manage to jog 5k, you can start working on improving your time and doing it faster or increase your distance. That’s just the way I did it.

The idea is to develop a healthy habit in a small and manageable way so that you develop a habit that will last longer.

The same can be applied to eating healthy. You start small. Remove one or two items from your current diet. You can remove fizzy drinks and chocolates. Stick to avoiding those 2 items. Before long you’ll notice that not only have you not consumed those items but you no longer have this need or desire to consume those items. In a way you have developed the habit of not consuming those items. After that you can build on it and move on to other sugary items or items high in calories. You can implement intermittent fasting in your diet if your goal is to lose weight or feel more energetic.

I have been intermittent fasting for 6 months now and I feel great when I wake up. I feel like I have more energy and I am ready to take the day on.

Have a think about your life. Decide what type of life you want to build. Start small. Use discipline to keep going and before you know it you’ll start to notice changes in your life. Focus on the process rather than the goal. You do want to lose weight but obviously you don’t want to be miserable while doing it. It can be done. You just need to sit down and start changing small things and they will all add up.

Think about it. When we are born we can barely move on our own. Slowly we start crawling, then walking and before you know it we start running. With time, practice, resilience and discipline we manage to go from a baby that can’t move on its own to Usain Bolt winning the Gold medal at the Olympics.

People tend to rely on motivation to get promoted at work or lose weight. I think motivation is bullshit. Motivation comes and goes depending on your state of mind. Your mind/ego likes to play tricks on you. It doesn’t want you to succeed and be self-reliant because it wants you to keep needing it. You’re in this loop where your ego makes you feel like shit, you continue to live your unhappy life, you feel like shit and it repeats. This helps sustain your ego. I’ll write some more about this in a different piece.

Discipline on the other hand works independently. I do not give a fuck if I am not in the mood to work out. We are getting out of bed and going for this run. Once, I start running I get into it and before you know it I am done. I don’t care how much I want to eat that pizza past 7 pm. We are not going to eat this pizza. We are going to drink some water and move on. Even if I am not in the mood, I’ll still try to do something as that is better than nothing. I try not to beat myself about it. Just get to work. Do a small workout and move on. If I am really hungry I’ll eat past 7 pm and move on.

It all comes down to you and how you want to do it. You set the goals, the method and the pace because you have to do the work. You do whatever it takes to get the lifestyle you want.

Discipline is the key. Hold yourself accountable to small things and you will develop the healthy habits that you want to develop before you know it. Look for the development of long term habits rather than short term goals. When you revert and fall back from those short term goal oriented routine, you fall harder.

Take it slowly. Start small and build on it with time and comfort. Enjoy the process. You’ll have gone farther than you had anticipated before you even realise it.

Remember, you are doing this for you and for no one else. No one else cares if you have a healthy lifestyle. In fact some people might thrive on watching you be miserable. It makes them feel good about themselves. Remind yourselves that this is for you and stay strong. There’s no harm in taking a break if you want to. Just learn to be content and disciplined and life will work its way out.

If you want me to write some more about how I have transformed my physical, mental or emotional state or have something specific you want me to give you a different perspective on, feel free to ask in the comment section below or send me a message on any of my social accounts that are linked at the bottom of the website.

Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep on loving.