Tag Archives: Emotional Health

Insecurities Control Me

One of the greatest journeys in life is overcoming insecurity and learning to truly not give a shit.

J.A Konrath
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

All of us have insecurities, about one thing or another. Everyone deals with it in different ways. Some people like to journal. Some people like to let it out by talking with their friends and family. Some people go through self-affirmations reminding themselves about all the positives in life. Regardless of what you do, I believe that all you’re looking for is perspective.

Your insecurities can easily cause you lose sight and perspective of the truth. You get stuck in this loop. A simple insecurity such as “They don’t love me” or “I am all alone” can be triggered by a very small event. The reaction however can be blown out of proportions due to your insecurities.

During those intense moments, your reactions are flared up. You may still be thinking clearly. You may still be telling yourself that these thoughts are due to your insecurities flaring up. You tell yourself that these thoughts are not based on the truth.

You know that these thoughts are illogical. Yet you can’t help it. You can’t help think these thoughts. You can’t help but feel these emotions. That’s the problem with your insecurities getting triggered. Despite knowing all this, you can’t help but feel angry or mad. You can’t help but get pissed off.

 I still haven’t figured out what works for me. I get triggered and I don’t know what to do to get out of that zone. I try to do all the things listed above but nothing helps. Then after a while, I automatically calm down. I don’t know why I calm down either. It just happens on its own.

I can get all the perspective I want in the world but I can’t seem to get out of the triggered state I get sucked into. I want to be able to figure this out so that I don’t get triggered in the first place. Actually, I don’t think it’s even possible to not get triggered. I feel like that’s a normal reaction. Is it possible to not have insecurities?

If I do get triggered and if I could better understand it I would know how to get myself out of that state. I feel like that would be the most realistic way of trying to deal with my insecurities. But how? Nothing I do seems to be working. It just takes time and it goes away when I get exhausted.

Either way, it’s not pleasant getting triggered and feeling hurt for no legitimate reason. It gets exhausting to the people around me as well and the last thing I want to do is pass on the hurt to other people. I don’t want other people suffering due to my insecurities.

Regaining perspective seems to be the most recommended option out there so I guess I just need to keep working on myself to the point where I can regain my perspective and chill out. This ties in to the whole ego wanting to be in control thing as well. It purposefully gets hurt and bruised. That feeds the ego and makes it stronger.

Once the ego is in control of your thoughts and emotions it’s very hard to snap out of it. That’s the case for me anyways. Regardless of what I am going through or how difficult it is I have learned one thing recently.

The work is never done.

The process of self-improvement is a continuous one. Each day, each moment is a battle. All anyone can do is try their best and that’s what I am going to do.

I Am Not A “Man”

If we don’t place the straitjacket of gender roles on young children, we give them space to reach their full potential.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Photo by Alvin Decena on Pexels.com

Before getting into this, the idea of this website was to kind of vomit whatever came to my mind. I was hoping this would help me get over my fears of expressing myself and alongside that I’d be able to work on myself. You’d get a deep dive into my mind and I’d be able to feel like I am doing something with my life. I was hoping those going through the same things as me would be able to relate and feel like they weren’t alone.

The goal was to talk about positive things and the good vibes but I’m sure as all of you have noticed the website has a bit of a negative vibe. For some reason it is so much easier to write when you are in that negative vibe. When you’re sad or depressed it just becomes easier to pour your heart out. I guess this is why a lot of artists work best when they’re sad. It just comes naturally and you let go of all your inhibitions and get to work.

When I’m happy, I sort of just vibe and enjoy the moment. The last thing on my mind is to write about it because I’m too busy just enjoying it in the moment. Hopefully, the vibe of the website turns around soon and all of you can be a part of the good parts of my life and not just the negative parts.

Now onto the sad shit.

Growing up I wasn’t your typical boy. While I loved playing sports, video games and cars, I kind of always loved dancing, weddings and rom coms as well. Stuff that “normal” boys didn’t like. I kind of gravitated towards women and felt like they just had so much more fun than the guys did. In my culture, the men and women sit in separate rooms. The men act all macho in their room while the women get to take off their hijabs and relax. The men would kind of just sit there discussing politics and the news. Then you walk into the women’s room and they’re laughing and joking around and having a good time. I guess I knew, since I was a kid that I just wanted to have a good time.

I was bullied as a kid. What a segue right? A majority of kids go through some form of bullying. That doesn’t give me an excuse for being weak. It’s just that growing up I was told to never hit anyone no matter what happens. My parents would tell me that I would get in trouble for fighting. If someone was to pick on me I was to go talk to the teacher. They put a 10 year old boy in that overwhelming position. Not only do I have to deal with the bullying, which I don’t even understand why it was happening in the first place, but I also had to build up the courage and in an essence snitch on the bullies to the teacher.

Snitches get stitches. A 10 year old boy in a position like that. Overwhelming.

My parents told me I’d get in trouble by the school and then by my parents as well. Therefore, I never stood up for myself. I never fought with anyone. I’d get beat up or verbally bullied and kind of just take it all in. I didn’t have many people I could trust growing up. People I’d consider friends would talk about me behind my back. I’d share secrets with “friends” that were then spread around the school. I was never invited to anything. I do not blame them. Everyone has a right to choose whoever they want to be friends with. I cannot control what other people think of me.

I also cannot change the past. In a way I had made my peace with it but for the past couple of weeks the theme has been coming back up.

I am not a “man.”

I keep getting told by a lot of people around me. I know they’re joking. I know they don’t mean ill intent. It’s just that my ego holds on to it and over exaggerates the whole situation. Those same friends have reiterated several times that I am a “man.” However, my ego chooses to ignore those thoughts. My ego is louder than my higher self at the moment.

The ego gets me thinking about the whole issue. I never stood up for myself. I like all these weird feminine things that normal men don’t like. Recently, I randomly met a wedding dress designer at a café with my friends and I was more excited than the women that were there with me. I don’t look at women like most men do. I get uncomfortable around women. While I am working on that it’s just a bit frustrating that I cannot let go of it. My ego clings on to how people are joking that I am not a “man.”

My higher self is totally fine. I understand that there is no hate. I understand that this is coming from a place of love. I joke around with other people from a place of love. I don’t normally voice what my ego is clinging on to. I choose not to give it that power, that voice. Also, I don’t say anything to my friends because I don’t want them to treat me any differently just because my ego cannot handle it.

Ironic how I’m giving my ego a voice by writing this out.

That’s kind of the problem with being open with your friends. They’ll start to sugar coat things and treat you differently so that they don’t accidentally hurt you when in reality it’s just a bit of banter. That’s why my friends have no clue for the time being that I even have this website up. Well 2 friends do know but I love them and trust them. It just gives me the chance to kind of write whatever comes to mind. It gives me that chance to tell you what my ego is telling me in my head without being judged or burdening my friends.

My friends are amazing. I know they won’t feel burdened at all. If anything they would want me to share my thoughts and feelings. I know I want them to share their thoughts and feelings when they go through something similar. The problem is my ego is telling me otherwise and at the moment it is the louder voice.

I am perfectly capable of taking a joke. I like to make jokes and I don’t mind taking jokes at all. My energy has just dipped recently and the following questions naturally popped up in my head.

Why now?

Why is all this triggering me now as opposed to before?

I can think of a couple of reasons as to why if I’m being honest. The ego clinging on to the thoughts I have mentioned above could be one point.

I think the real issue is not the thought that I am not a “man.” There is another issue as well that I am too afraid to talk about for now. Maybe in the future. Who knows? I certainly don’t know when I’ll be ready. I know, for now, that I do not possess the courage to voice those thoughts for when I do I will not be able to take those words back.  Once I voice those concerns they will become real. For now I’ve decided to focus on how I am not a “man.”

I am glad I went through what I did in my childhood. That’s kind of made me who I am. While I am not perfect, I am content with where I am in my life. Can things be better? Sure, but I’m still content and happy with where I am at.

It’s just that since I am not a “traditional man” according to society, how will I be able to get a partner in life?

If she cannot see me as a “man,” then how will she decide to spend the rest of her life with me?

How will I raise my kids?

I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself. I don’t know how to stand up for myself. How will I be able to teach that to my kids if I don’t know how to do it?

How will I preach what I do not practice?

There is a certain hypocrisy to parenting that I’ll talk about in another article. I’ll try to make that more positive than this but I don’t see how I’ll be able to do that.  

I don’t want anyone to feel the way I do. It sucks. I am a pussy. What can I do about it? I guess acknowledging the issue is the first step to fixing anything.

For a long time I have been insecure about this. I feel inadequate. At this point I don’t know how to process it. That’s why I’m here writing about it, hoping that as I vomit everything out things will start to make sense. They don’t make complete sense at the moment but hopefully they will in the future.

As I do write this, I do feel much more calm and relaxed now. It’s all about gaining some perspective. I cannot change my past. I can only affect my future by controlling the present.

I am 100% confident that I want to always come from a place of love. I want to trust people completely. If they cherish that trust then I welcome them with open arms. If they abuse that trust then I have learned more about them as a person. Therefore, that is what I shall try to do as I move forward. If that means not living like a “man” then I am fine with that.              

Let’s see what else life has got planned for me.

I hope to one day possess the courage to address the real issue that is causing me this discomfort. Unfortunately, I am not ready for it just yet.

Woah….I want to Cuddle?

He imagined them sitting somewhere, just enjoying each other’s company, her head on his chest, his arm around her. And he realised how desperately lonely he had become.  

Tim LaHaye
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

My whole life I have been uncomfortable with physical touch and intimacy of any sorts. Recently however, I feel like that has changed. I had gotten together to meet up and have some food together with some friends. A friend and I worked together and grilled the food on the BBQ while the rest waited. The food was bomb. After the food everyone had gone inside the room while I stayed out with a couple of people.

I laid down on a bench outside and stared at the sky as I cooled down. The other people with me were talking to each other and I zoned out. In that moment, for some reason, I had the sudden urge to cuddle someone. It felt like I had just ran head first into a wall. It felt like this huge tsunami wave had just crashed into me taking me away with it. That happy content mood I was in went away. Instead there was a sense of dread and loneliness. Despite being surrounded by people I felt alone. All my energy drained immediately. All due to one ridiculous thought, that for some reason, chose to arose in that moment.

I just wanted to cuddle with a person as I lay there on that bench. There was a nice breeze rolling in and I was happy until that urge to cuddle crept up on me. I kind of lost interest in everything else that was happening.

For the first time in my life I WANTED someone to cuddle me. I am aware that most of you reading this are just thinking to yourselves that I am a weirdo and to that I say, I am a weirdo. This may be a normal thing for you but for me this is totally new. I do not have these urges or thoughts. Now I have had that thought and I feel bad.

My heart felt and still feels heavy as I write this. I feel butterflies in my heart. All that I want to do is cuddle someone. All that I am thinking about is cuddling someone. My heart feels like it is going to break into pieces. I want to feel their warmth. I want to listen to their heart beating. I, again for the first time, WANT intimacy. I feel selfish.

That thought feels wrong because that is not what I normally think of. It feels wrong because I am cuddling with someone in my thoughts without their consent if that makes sense. I am fantasizing about cuddling. How creepy is that? I feel ashamed. I feel guilty for having these thoughts that this person did not consent to. I feel that there is a breach of trust. This person has chosen to let me be a part of their world and I am breaching that trust.

I feel like a snake in the grass. I feel like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I do not have thoughts like these and now that I have for the first time it feels like I am inauthentic. I feel like I am a sly and conniving person who is out here being selfish. I promise you my thoughts come from a place of love. I legit had no control over it. If I did, I wouldn’t have had the thought of cuddling.

The problem is I did. No matter what I do I cannot take it back. It has been thought of now. This is something I have to live with now. I just have to remind myself that the only control I have is on my actions and my words. I cannot control every egoistic thought that comes into my head. Therefore, I shall not focus my energy on it. I shall focus on the things that I have control of.

I made a reddit post and looked through reddit as well to better understand what I am going through. Normally, listening to other people’s experiences don’t provide me with comfort. This time I felt like I need that comfort. Apparently a lot of people go through similar things. I just had the thought of cuddling but apparently people have sexual thoughts about their platonic friends all the time. It seems normal. Yet, here I am, feeling like a piece of shit.

Part of me knows that this is real because this is how I feel. Another part of me feels guilty and ashamed for having these thoughts. Now here I sit, conflicted. I do not know what I am feeling. All I know is that it is real and I don’t know how to process it. I can’t remember having such strong feelings in the past. A part of me is happy that this is normal and I am human. Another part of me expected me to do better and stay away from these kinds of things. I don’t know.

This is new to me. I am pretty confident that is just a mood swing or a phase that will pass. I thought it was interesting that I was feeling this for legitimately the first time in my life and I felt like journaling it would help me better understand it. I can confirm that it has not helped me better understand it. If anything I am worrying about it even more.

I cannot explain why this is happening all I know is that it is happening.

I can only control the things that are within my control.

I guess I just need to appreciate the collateral beauty of it all.

I guess, finally at the age of 27, I just hit puberty.

I would love to hear about your stories and how you dealt with the same feelings if you have ever had them before.

The Superhero Within

I want you to know that it’s okay if you only save one person and it’s okay if that person is you.

Anonymous Professor of Anthropology
Photo by Josh Hild on Pexels.com

We all have a superhero within us. We have tremendous power with our actions and our words. The ability to save someone’s day. To make someone’s day better. A friendly “Hello” or a nice compliment on their outfit can totally make a person’s day.

An act of kindness is a super power that many of us fail to acknowledge. We could help someone cross the street or give someone some spare change. All that you need are a couple of seconds of your time. We all go through problems but a small friendly gesture can give them a moment of happiness.

Something as small as asking a stranger “How are you doing?” will make them feel much better. It shows them that someone cares. This random stranger who you don’t know and who doesn’t know you actually considers you to be a human being. This person actually wants to know how I am doing. It gives that person a voice. It lets them know that someone does care. You don’t know what kind of day they might be having but a simple question could make there day better. Even if it’s just for one small brief insignificant minute, is that not worth it?

Initially that small gesture may be overlooked. You may not think that this small act of kindness or these few words of compliments have any weight but I can assure you they do. I have always appreciated them regardless of my emotional and mental state. It just lifts me up. I am sure it lifts other people up too.

We can use our super powers in a similar way but with ourselves. We can use it to make ourselves feel better. The power of the words you speak to yourself affect you heavily. The things you do for yourself impact you heavily.

Self-affirmations can change your outlook on life. They give you that uplifting voice you need when you’re feeling down. Reminding yourself of how beautiful and amazing you are is important. We often lose sight of that.         

Treat yourself with a shopping spree or some nice food. Go out for a walk or workout. Go to a salon and get yourself taken care of. Do whatever makes you happy, for you and no one else. All these small acts of kindness towards yourself help lift you up. They help you feel good. They have the power to bring you out of a negative vibe. They can make your day even if it’s just for a brief moment.

Speak it into existence. Will it into existence. That is our superpower.

We are all superheroes. All you need to do is believe it.

Brewing In Self Hate

[T]hou canst not think worse of me than I do myself.

Robert Burton
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

Today was one of those where I just hated myself and everything that I did. Hate is a very strong word and I do not use that lightly. As harsh as it sounds, it was hate. As pure as it could be. All directed towards me.

I woke up late and missed out on a plan with the squad. Well to clarify I had woken up on time. I was depleted of energy, completely dead. I decided to go back to sleep.

Woke up a couple of hours later and went to work. Work was an alright day. Same as usual. Got home, made some food and passed out. Woke up a couple of hours later and worked out. The workout took forever because for some reason I was low on energy again. I finished the workout, had a late dinner and now I sit here typing this.

I can sort of explain why I hated myself today. It was just one of those days. I was upset at myself that I didn’t go to meet with the squad. Despite it not being in my control, I hated myself that I was so low on energy today. It took an enormous amount of effort to being my workout and get it done.

Even now as I type this out I absolutely hate myself.

Part of me is upset that today after a long time for some reason I felt alone. I was not content with my own company. I was upset that I couldn’t share this with anyone because I didn’t want to burden anyone.

This all goes back to my childhood I believe. I had parents that were emotionally unavailable. I didn’t really have any close friends. Today’s vibe reminded me of the past. It has taken a lot of work to get to where I am right now. Where I am content with myself…to a certain extent. However, I will have these random days where my vibes are just low. A small trigger such as the one today ends up affecting me enormously.

I will type out some of the questions and thoughts I had and how I tried to rationalise them to change my vibe. It didn’t really work but it did help make things better. I had to rationalise them as if I was giving advice to a friend.

I have noticed how we tend to be much more understand and comforting when giving advice to our friends. However, when it comes to ourselves we set a higher standard for ourselves and tend to be much more unforgiving and harsh. I tried to rationalise my thoughts as if I was speaking to a friend of mine. Trying to be understanding, comforting and loving rather than unforgiving.

You missed out on the squad meet.

I just hated myself for missing out on an opportunity to connect with people. I feel the happiest when I am out and connecting with people. Making real memories. I was just upset at how I gave in to my weakness, I succumbed to being on low energy and went back to sleep rather than going out and creating real moments. I tried to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world. There will be more meet ups in the future that I will be a part of. It is fine to feel low on energy and decide to take care of yourself. It’s fine to listen to what your body is telling you. Part of me believes that my body told me that because I am weak and the thoughts quickly escalated from there.

You are a loser.

The thought quickly turned into how I am a loser. I am never invited to events. I always miss out. I am never a part of anything. I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue as well. I am always invited. In fact the times that I do not go are my own choice due to work or, and this is where my thoughts took me next, is because I wasn’t able to wake up.

You are undisciplined.

I have been trying to wake up early since we went on lock down. I dream of being able to wake up at 5 AM and start the day with a work out before going to work. That way I have the rest of the day off. As you may be able to tell I have been unable to do so and I immediately started hating myself when I woke up.

“As usual Ammar, you were not able to wake up early because you are not disciplined in life.”

I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue. I have been working out consistently for the past 8 months with a couple of days off here and there. I manage to get to work on time. I get the things that need to be done throughout the day. I believe that my current lifestyle was only achieved based on my discipline.

You are fat.

I assumed that the low energy and negative vibes were due to a lack of food. I have been unable to properly eat for the past month now. The current schedule is all over the place and I haven’t been able to adhere to my intermittent fasting from 7 pm to 12 pm. Due to the schedule I have only been having 1 meal a day at midday for lunch. I told myself today that I would have 2 meals today regardless of the time for the second meal. I had a late dinner past 7 pm and immediately hated myself.

I had to rationalise this negative thought. Yes I may still be a bit fat but I have done a great job reducing my weight. I am in a much better place now. It is important to listen to your body and my body is telling me that I need more food. If I neglect what my body is telling me then I am going to end up hurting myself. Listen to your body and give it what it needs.

You have not achieved anything in life.

I am 27. No relationship. A job that does not fulfil me. A shit family life. No investments. No plan for the future. This thought was easier to rationalise for me. I have no clue what I want from life BUT I know what I don’t want and that’s this. I don’t want to be an Engineer. What do I want to do? I want to write, take photos and teach. I love connecting with people and want a job that allows me to do that.

My issues with my family are a bigger problem that I believe stem from a lack of space and boundaries. The only way to improve it is to move out. Maybe then I’ll have the space I need to do what I need to do without resenting them.

I don’t have any external investments BUT I am investing in myself. I am the biggest asset that I have. I will invest in myself and keep growing, bettering myself.

You have no friends. No one likes you.

While it is easy to victimise myself this is absolutely not true. I love the people in my life and I KNOW they love me. We hang out. We have fun. More importantly they include me. I was just being a victim to my own vibe and having thoughts that are untrue and baseless. I have been having this thought since I was a child. This thought stems from how I was always left out from activities with my “friends” as a kid. Due to that trauma, anytime someone doesn’t reply OR invite me I immediately go into the thought of how no one likes me.

I am ashamed of having this thought because they do love me. It will take time but I know that I have to outgrow this.

You have not grown. You are still the scared and sad little boy you were.

As a kid there was a lot of trauma that I went through. I didn’t realise it at the time BUT now I can see how that stuff fucked me up. I was alone most of the time. Forced into my own world of games and cartoons. I never went out. Just stayed at home. It was easier for me to shut myself out from the world. I didn’t know how else to deal with it. It was overwhelming.

I am not perfect. I don’t think anyone perfect exists. I am who I am. I went through my past. The child still exists within me. I have grown. I have made great strides in developing myself. Sure, there are times where I am sad but I bounce back. I am scared but I am also fearless. I am down for whatever the universe throws at me.

Hit me with your best shot. I got this. You can’t keep me down motherfucker. I am coming for you.

One small trigger caused me to spiral down all the way to here. It started with how I missed out and ended up with how this is all related to my past. I know that it is related to my past. I just had to remind myself that I cannot change the past. I must learn from it and grow. Once I grow, I will be able to become the person that I want to become.

The scared and sad little boy still exists as my inner child. I need to become the nurturing and loving parent that my inner child needs. The kind of parent I needed when I was younger. I need to listen to what my inner child is telling me. I need to give it the love and support it needs to feel safe. I need to be there for my inner child. I will be writing more about this as I learn more about my inner child.

“I love you my inner child. You are safe now.”

In the past there were more days where I hated myself and the affects were much worse. It took a long time for me to realise that I must be happy within my own company. I must put out the positive vibe that I want to receive and the universe will respond, as it has. I guess I hated myself because today it felt like, after a long time, I was exhausted and defeated by my past. I was defeated by this negative vibe.

While I embrace this, I realise that a lot of work still needs to be done by me. It’s one of those days where I had to take it easy. My body and vibe were telling me to take a break. What’s done is done now. I need to realise that I cannot change the past. All I can do is move forward. Tomorrow we start again. Maintain discipline. More importantly, we pump out the positive vibes.

Initially I left myself brew in this self-hate because it’s easy. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself. It’s easy to put yourself down. It takes no effort. It is VERY easy to slip down and just give up. It’s easy to give up on yourself and to give up on life. I have been there before. It takes no effort. Your ego does all the work for you. You just have to be passive and let the hate flow.

I had to remind myself that having the victim mentality is what I hated about my past self. I hated how I used to always be sad. I hated how I would make no effort whatsoever in improving whatever I could improve on. Even as I write this, even after all the rationalising in the world, I WANT to sit here and brew. I want to corrupt myself from within. I want to give up. I feel like that part of me will never die. I have to be strong enough to make sure that my aware self will always win over my ego.

If anyone has had similar experiences or is going through something right now hit me up. I can’t promise you any solutions. I can only promise to offer you a different perspective and my attentive ear that will listen to you.

Life is good. I am glad that I am alive.

Crushes Are Normal

Sometimes I can’t ignore the way I feel when I see you smile.

The Ataris, Bite My Tongue
Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels.com

I used to, or still to some extent, get uneasy at the concept of having a crush. A crush by definition is “a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable.”

“A brief but intense infatuation,” There’s the issue I have with the word crush. The problem is that it is an infatuation, an obsession. I have no clue what that person is actually like. I have developed a crush based on physical appearances. I find that hard to deal with. I feel like it’s wrong. I know it’s natural but it feels wrong. It feels like I am objectifying her.

The person I have a crush on is so much more than that. There is the mind and soul that I have no idea about. I just think that this person is beautiful and I am attracted to them. I am just attracted to the idea of them rather than the actual person.

The crush then builds up. Your mind picks it up and runs with it to places you don’t want to go to. It takes you to ideas that you know are unrealistic. It gives you all these unrealistic thoughts and expectations that you have of this person. These “unhealthy” thoughts build up.

Do I act on these “unhealthy” thoughts?

Of course not.

However, these thoughts feel wrong to have.

I imagine living a life with them. I imagine sharing a box of pizza with them under a blanket while watching TV. No one else is there. There is no other worry. It’s just this person and me. Complete peace. Sometimes I imagine us driving together. I don’t care where the road leads to. I am just happy that I am with this person.

There are 2 things that remains constant in these “unhealthy” thoughts, as I like to refer to them.

The first is that there is this sense of complete peace and serenity. There is no care in the world. All that matters it that my crush is right here with me. These thoughts never get sexual. I am simply attracted to the intimacy and vulnerability in that moment.

The second is that person’s smile. I always imagine them smiling. A genuine smile just puts me in a state of tranquillity. There is a vibe in that smile. A vibe that tells me that everything is alright in the world. Just enjoy this moment. I absolutely fall head over heels for a smile that just exudes love. A smile that embraces you, that coddles you. I don’t even know anything about this person and here I am dreaming of a life together. I don’t know if this person is how I envision them to be.

I fall in love with that though. I have no clue yet I fall in love. The peace and happiness in those “unhealthy” thoughts. It makes me wonder, are these thoughts really “unhealthy” if there is so much positivity and love in them? Is it really “unhealthy” to feel happiness? Why do I assume that these thoughts are “unhealthy”?

Sure, I can call these thoughts unrealistic because reality is far from it. Yet, I choose to refer to these thoughts as “unhealthy.” I could be doing this on purpose. I could be doing this to prevent any notion of actually doing something about the crush. If I never act on my crush and try to get to know them better, then I will never be in an uncomfortable spot. I will never give them the opportunity to reject me. Therefore, I think of having a crush as a negative thing. That way I’ll never act on it.

I can count all the crushes I have had, throughout my entire life, on one hand. Obviously, I have never acted on them. Around 3-4 months ago, I had a mini crush and attempted to get to know her better. If I am being honest, it wasn’t a real attempt. It was more of a sad excuse of an attempt. It was to give myself the false assurance that I tried and failed. In all honesty, my attempt was pathetic. When I realised that the other person was not vibing, I decided to dip. I didn’t want to bother her. The vibe was telling me that it wasn’t meant to be.

A crush doesn’t necessarily have to be on someone unattainable as defined. I believe it’s defined like that because a lot of people get to know their crush better and realise that the crush is not meant for them. They were infatuated by the idea of the person and the idea of being in a relationship with that person. Once they realise who that person is, they decide it’s not for them and bail. They could also bail because they realise that it takes effort to get to know a person and be in relationship. They decide that their crush is not worth the effort and bail before it turns into anything real. They bail before committing.

Me personally, I’ve never had the courage to do anything about it in the past. I want to change that. I want to put in the effort. I want to be courageous. I want to take that first step. I want to grow a pair. I’m sick of living like a coward. I’m sick of being anxious all the time. I just want to relax and let these natural feelings flow. See where they take me.

If it works out, it works out. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. At least I won’t regret anything. At least I’ll know that I actually tried and gave it my best shot. At least I get to know another person. We might not end up dating but we could become friends.

I feel like with all the growth that I have done in the past year or so, I am a bit more comfortable with the idea of having a crush. I still get uneasy when I think about it BUT I feel like the first step is to realise that these thoughts are not unhealthy at all. These thoughts are natural. Once I can come to terms with that I feel like I would be able to better handle having a crush.

I might become more courageous. I might become a man of action. I might decide to actually take some steps and get to know that person well. Hell, if I still like them or rather if I allow myself to like them without the fear of getting hurt, I might actually ask them out.

I might be able to acknowledge, without feeling shy or guilty, that I do have a crush right now. It’s easy for me to say all this on the internet. Sure, I’m not anonymous but what are the odds that my crush will actually read this. What are the odds that she’ll actually realise I’m talking about her? I’m willing to take that risk.

Maybe this is again me being a coward. Maybe this is me being delusional, telling myself that I have actually done something to comfort myself. Why don’t I just tell her in real life? Why don’t I put in the effort to get to know her better?

Maybe getting all this out of me and into the real world is the first step I need to take to become more courageous. Maybe after this is out, I might actually take the first step to get to know my crush better. We shall see what happens.

At the end of the day I know one thing for sure, I don’t want to live a life of regret. I don’t want to look back at my life and have those “What if” thoughts. That’s not the life I want.

Stay safe. Keeping loving yourself and others. If you have a crush, get to know them better. Who knows, they might have a crush on you too.

Intimacy Around Women

I have learned that there is more power in a good strong hug than in a thousand meaningful words.

Ann Hood
Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

Recently, a very a brave and amazing friend of mine shared something that she went through with the group. I was very moved by it. I teared up. While she was telling her story, I listened. I was amazed at her strength. I was amazed at how she managed to love, so purely, and have lost that love. That is not something I have experienced yet. To have loved so purely and lost. Her story, her strength, her love truly amazed me. I could feel the pain she had gone through. It was raw and honest. It was real.

Naturally, when talking about an event that has a lot of emotions and history attached to it, you are bound to get emotional and cry. When she started to cry my first instinct was to hug her. I wanted to comfort her, as a friend should. Another friend of mine had hugged her and stayed with her so I stayed where I was.

At the end of the day, before leaving, we all got up and she started to hug everyone. I wanted to but I couldn’t. I want to comfort her, let her know that it’s all going to be alright. I wanted to let her know that she is brave and strong for doing what she did. I wanted to let her know that I am here for her should she need someone to talk to. I wanted to let her know that she is not alone, that she is loved.

I stood in the back contemplating, should I go or is she going to come and hug me? I felt so awkward in that position, not because I am not her friend or didn’t care about her at all. It’s because I have an issue with hugs and contact with women in general. During the time I wasted contemplating, she had left.

I felt like shit. I made it all about myself rather than comfort her. I should’ve told her all the things I wanted to say in support of her. I was too weak to go and offer my support.

“What did I do?”

“Why didn’t I go?”

“Why did I make this awkward as hell?”

All these thoughts ran through my mind. I felt like shit when I got home. I had let myself down. I was disappointed in myself. I could not believe that I did not have the courage to go and comfort her. I sent her a message saying the things I wanted to say but I felt bad. This has been a running theme in my life. I thought I had grown…gotten over it but clearly I hadn’t.

My whole life I have avoided any sort of intimacy or contact with women. I believe it has something to do with the way I was raised. From an early age I had been made aware of the issues that women go through on a daily basis. Men putting women in uncomfortable positions on a daily basis. Creepy men who go in for hugs when the woman is clearly uncomfortable. Men who catcall women and harass them. Men who can’t take a hint that the woman is clearly uncomfortable. Men who go initiate a handshake and the woman is forced to comply because it’s “just a handshake.”

I grew up in a society that looks down on women. Anytime a woman tries to grow and be better, men like to put them down. Anytime a woman voices her opinion or takes a stances, men like to put them down. I grew up, surrounded by this. I grew up being aware of this. I grew up being aware of how men objectify women. I grew up surrounded by men telling me “it’s a woman’s job to take care of the house. Find yourself a wife that will cook for you and give you kids.”

How fucked up is that? A living human being is reduced to nothing but a glorified slave. There to please every little desire that you may have. I grew up with men telling me that “a wife cannot say No to her husband for anything. She cannot deny him sex or whatever else he may want. It is the husband’s right to demand these things.”

I think growing up surrounded by all these things has traumatised me. I get very uncomfortable around women regardless of if I find them attractive or not. It’s the weirdest thing ever. I have a hard time shaking their hands, hugging them or even give them a friendly tap or touch. I was told that you never shake a woman’s hand unless she initiates it first. That’s how I’ve been living my life. I guess this is why I barely had any female friends growing up. Now that I do, I have noticed how I am unable to provide the support they may need such as a hug in a time of vulnerability.

Being around this group of friends and seeing how they interact with each other makes me realise this even more. I want to be a part of this but I don’t know how to. I want be normal but I can’t get myself to act normal. I see them hugging and playfully pushing each other and I cannot be a part of that because I feel uncomfortable.

Another reason could be the relationship with my mother. From what I can recall my childhood was good. It wasn’t perfect but it was pretty good. Everything that I could possibly need was provided to me. Except for the emotional support. Both my parents worked. When I would come home they’d be taking a nap because they were tired from a full day of working. After the nap, mom would wake up and get the house in order. Food, clothes, cleaning etc.

Anytime I had an “emotional” issue she was unavailable to help me deal with it. Her usual responses were “this is what happens when you trust other people” or “this is what happens when you don’t listen to me.” Both parents were very pessimistic in their way of life. They had this outlook on life where everyone is evil and you cannot trust anyone other than yourself. I think that caused me to develop this issue I have with emotional intimacy.

Displaying emotional intimacy makes me very uncomfortable. It takes me back to that hurt boy who just wanted some help in dealing with the overwhelming emotions. All I want is for someone to say “It’s Ok” I suppose. I don’t really know what I want. All I know is that I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be emotionally disconnected. I don’t want to freak out at the prospect of a fucking hug to comfort someone. I was legitimately on the brink of having an anxiety attack when I saw my friend walk in my direction and hug the people in front of me.

I guess the point of this is to let other people, who struggle with the same thing, know that they are not alone. I know I need therapy for this so that I may process it better. I do want to improve in this aspect. I do want to be there for my friends. I have no problem in striking a conversation with anyone or introducing myself to strangers. The problem arises when there is a touch of intimacy whether that may be physically or emotionally.

I do believe I have gotten better at it. I believe that me acknowledging the problems in my behaviour is a good start but I am not happy with how I dealt with the latest situation. I want to get better to the point where I don’t need to second guess anything. I can just be a good friend.

I hope all you are staying safe. Keep loving yourself and each other.

Discipline is Key

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

At the age of 27 I have realised that Discipline is the key to life. If I’m being honest there are many keys to life, each one connected to the other BUT Discipline is a major key in life.

The way I do it is I have split my tasks into 2 groups:

  1. Shit that needs to get done
  2. Shit that doesn’t need to get done

The shit that doesn’t need to get done, most of the times, is the shit that I WANT to do so it gets done anyways. Things like watching a show on Netflix, shopping or eating at a fancy restaurant. These aren’t things that I consider compulsory or mandatory to do but I enjoy them and so they happen. I tend to let these things flow and not focus on them. If it happens, I enjoy the moment. If it doesn’t happen, it didn’t happen and I just move on. These things flow like the waves of the ocean. Some days I’ll do them, some days I won’t.

The shit that NEEDS to get done include things like working out, eating healthy, going to work or writing. To me these things are essential in living a healthy lifestyle. The working out and eating healthy keeps me physically fit. Going to work gets me paid and helps maintain the healthy lifestyle that I want. The writing helps keep me emotionally and mentally fit.

To get these things you need to develop a healthy habit of doing those things with keeping discipline in mind. Let’s use working out as an example. You need to start small. If you go on a 5k run on your first session, it’s going to do more harm than good. You may hurt yourself physically and you’ll be demotivated mentally as well. You’re going to be disheartened to continue running the next day.

The faster you try to change, the harder you’ll revert back into your old habits. They may even become worse.

The idea is to start slowly. You start by walking 1k a day and build on it until you get to 5k. Then once you’ve begun walking 5k a day, you can start to run 1k and walk the rest of the 4k and build on that. Once you manage to jog 5k, you can start working on improving your time and doing it faster or increase your distance. That’s just the way I did it.

The idea is to develop a healthy habit in a small and manageable way so that you develop a habit that will last longer.

The same can be applied to eating healthy. You start small. Remove one or two items from your current diet. You can remove fizzy drinks and chocolates. Stick to avoiding those 2 items. Before long you’ll notice that not only have you not consumed those items but you no longer have this need or desire to consume those items. In a way you have developed the habit of not consuming those items. After that you can build on it and move on to other sugary items or items high in calories. You can implement intermittent fasting in your diet if your goal is to lose weight or feel more energetic.

I have been intermittent fasting for 6 months now and I feel great when I wake up. I feel like I have more energy and I am ready to take the day on.

Have a think about your life. Decide what type of life you want to build. Start small. Use discipline to keep going and before you know it you’ll start to notice changes in your life. Focus on the process rather than the goal. You do want to lose weight but obviously you don’t want to be miserable while doing it. It can be done. You just need to sit down and start changing small things and they will all add up.

Think about it. When we are born we can barely move on our own. Slowly we start crawling, then walking and before you know it we start running. With time, practice, resilience and discipline we manage to go from a baby that can’t move on its own to Usain Bolt winning the Gold medal at the Olympics.

People tend to rely on motivation to get promoted at work or lose weight. I think motivation is bullshit. Motivation comes and goes depending on your state of mind. Your mind/ego likes to play tricks on you. It doesn’t want you to succeed and be self-reliant because it wants you to keep needing it. You’re in this loop where your ego makes you feel like shit, you continue to live your unhappy life, you feel like shit and it repeats. This helps sustain your ego. I’ll write some more about this in a different piece.

Discipline on the other hand works independently. I do not give a fuck if I am not in the mood to work out. We are getting out of bed and going for this run. Once, I start running I get into it and before you know it I am done. I don’t care how much I want to eat that pizza past 7 pm. We are not going to eat this pizza. We are going to drink some water and move on. Even if I am not in the mood, I’ll still try to do something as that is better than nothing. I try not to beat myself about it. Just get to work. Do a small workout and move on. If I am really hungry I’ll eat past 7 pm and move on.

It all comes down to you and how you want to do it. You set the goals, the method and the pace because you have to do the work. You do whatever it takes to get the lifestyle you want.

Discipline is the key. Hold yourself accountable to small things and you will develop the healthy habits that you want to develop before you know it. Look for the development of long term habits rather than short term goals. When you revert and fall back from those short term goal oriented routine, you fall harder.

Take it slowly. Start small and build on it with time and comfort. Enjoy the process. You’ll have gone farther than you had anticipated before you even realise it.

Remember, you are doing this for you and for no one else. No one else cares if you have a healthy lifestyle. In fact some people might thrive on watching you be miserable. It makes them feel good about themselves. Remind yourselves that this is for you and stay strong. There’s no harm in taking a break if you want to. Just learn to be content and disciplined and life will work its way out.

If you want me to write some more about how I have transformed my physical, mental or emotional state or have something specific you want me to give you a different perspective on, feel free to ask in the comment section below or send me a message on any of my social accounts that are linked at the bottom of the website.

Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep on loving.