Tag Archives: Feelings

Misunderstanding Words

Words have power. When, used properly, can convey the message from the speaker to the listener. However, things get complicated when you tie words to emotions. When you try to describe a feeling with words. It’s hard to translate that into a verbal dictionary. That experience, that emotion is more than just a couple of words. The spoken word is so limited that it cannot be used to fully express an emotion. There will be a difference in the actual emotion and the words being used to describe it.

I don’t know why but I feel hurt today. A friend said something to me and while I am fairly confident it was a joke, it just hurt. I feel like the words used were unnecessary and uncalled for. It felt like that person took the opportunity to hit me in front of the rest of the squad. Had this been in private or in a smaller group I wouldn’t have minded. However, this was in front of everyone. I normally dish out jokes and can take a hit as well. For some reason this felt personal.

That’s the problem with texts and words. The context is lost. The tone is lost. Messages can be easily misinterpreted. Again, I am fairly certain this person said what they said as a joke. I have chosen to understand it as an attack on me that was unnecessary and that has hurt me. If this was a conversation in real life the tone of voice would’ve conveyed the message more accurately. It would’ve been a different setting.

Besides being hurt you then start to doubt yourself. Do you confront this person and ask them if everything is ok? Does that make you look petty? Does that make you look like a wimp who can’t take a joke? I know my feelings are valid because I am experiencing it. How do I deal with this? How do you deal with it? I would love to know. The problem is once you confront them you know that things will change. They won’t be the same again.

I guess I’m just a bit sensitive at the moment. We normally tend to ask ourselves why but I have been trying to stray away from that. Does anybody ask why the tree grows? No. It grows for that is its nature. We ask “how does a tree grow?” or “what does a tree do to grow?” I need to dive deep and see what triggered this response. How can I deal with this response? Then maybe I can ask why I felt triggered at the joke.

My initial instinct is to just ask the person the intent and to avoid any miscommunications but I don’t know why I’m hesitant to do that this time.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. I guess I just had to get this out so that I may be able to sleep. Whether I do fall asleep or stay up all night thinking about it I do not know. We shall see what happens. There’s no fancy picture or quote for this one. I just wanted to get this out of my system.

I’d love to hear if any of you have gone through something similar and how you dealt with it.

Brewing In Self Hate

[T]hou canst not think worse of me than I do myself.

Robert Burton
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

Today was one of those where I just hated myself and everything that I did. Hate is a very strong word and I do not use that lightly. As harsh as it sounds, it was hate. As pure as it could be. All directed towards me.

I woke up late and missed out on a plan with the squad. Well to clarify I had woken up on time. I was depleted of energy, completely dead. I decided to go back to sleep.

Woke up a couple of hours later and went to work. Work was an alright day. Same as usual. Got home, made some food and passed out. Woke up a couple of hours later and worked out. The workout took forever because for some reason I was low on energy again. I finished the workout, had a late dinner and now I sit here typing this.

I can sort of explain why I hated myself today. It was just one of those days. I was upset at myself that I didn’t go to meet with the squad. Despite it not being in my control, I hated myself that I was so low on energy today. It took an enormous amount of effort to being my workout and get it done.

Even now as I type this out I absolutely hate myself.

Part of me is upset that today after a long time for some reason I felt alone. I was not content with my own company. I was upset that I couldn’t share this with anyone because I didn’t want to burden anyone.

This all goes back to my childhood I believe. I had parents that were emotionally unavailable. I didn’t really have any close friends. Today’s vibe reminded me of the past. It has taken a lot of work to get to where I am right now. Where I am content with myself…to a certain extent. However, I will have these random days where my vibes are just low. A small trigger such as the one today ends up affecting me enormously.

I will type out some of the questions and thoughts I had and how I tried to rationalise them to change my vibe. It didn’t really work but it did help make things better. I had to rationalise them as if I was giving advice to a friend.

I have noticed how we tend to be much more understand and comforting when giving advice to our friends. However, when it comes to ourselves we set a higher standard for ourselves and tend to be much more unforgiving and harsh. I tried to rationalise my thoughts as if I was speaking to a friend of mine. Trying to be understanding, comforting and loving rather than unforgiving.

You missed out on the squad meet.

I just hated myself for missing out on an opportunity to connect with people. I feel the happiest when I am out and connecting with people. Making real memories. I was just upset at how I gave in to my weakness, I succumbed to being on low energy and went back to sleep rather than going out and creating real moments. I tried to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world. There will be more meet ups in the future that I will be a part of. It is fine to feel low on energy and decide to take care of yourself. It’s fine to listen to what your body is telling you. Part of me believes that my body told me that because I am weak and the thoughts quickly escalated from there.

You are a loser.

The thought quickly turned into how I am a loser. I am never invited to events. I always miss out. I am never a part of anything. I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue as well. I am always invited. In fact the times that I do not go are my own choice due to work or, and this is where my thoughts took me next, is because I wasn’t able to wake up.

You are undisciplined.

I have been trying to wake up early since we went on lock down. I dream of being able to wake up at 5 AM and start the day with a work out before going to work. That way I have the rest of the day off. As you may be able to tell I have been unable to do so and I immediately started hating myself when I woke up.

“As usual Ammar, you were not able to wake up early because you are not disciplined in life.”

I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue. I have been working out consistently for the past 8 months with a couple of days off here and there. I manage to get to work on time. I get the things that need to be done throughout the day. I believe that my current lifestyle was only achieved based on my discipline.

You are fat.

I assumed that the low energy and negative vibes were due to a lack of food. I have been unable to properly eat for the past month now. The current schedule is all over the place and I haven’t been able to adhere to my intermittent fasting from 7 pm to 12 pm. Due to the schedule I have only been having 1 meal a day at midday for lunch. I told myself today that I would have 2 meals today regardless of the time for the second meal. I had a late dinner past 7 pm and immediately hated myself.

I had to rationalise this negative thought. Yes I may still be a bit fat but I have done a great job reducing my weight. I am in a much better place now. It is important to listen to your body and my body is telling me that I need more food. If I neglect what my body is telling me then I am going to end up hurting myself. Listen to your body and give it what it needs.

You have not achieved anything in life.

I am 27. No relationship. A job that does not fulfil me. A shit family life. No investments. No plan for the future. This thought was easier to rationalise for me. I have no clue what I want from life BUT I know what I don’t want and that’s this. I don’t want to be an Engineer. What do I want to do? I want to write, take photos and teach. I love connecting with people and want a job that allows me to do that.

My issues with my family are a bigger problem that I believe stem from a lack of space and boundaries. The only way to improve it is to move out. Maybe then I’ll have the space I need to do what I need to do without resenting them.

I don’t have any external investments BUT I am investing in myself. I am the biggest asset that I have. I will invest in myself and keep growing, bettering myself.

You have no friends. No one likes you.

While it is easy to victimise myself this is absolutely not true. I love the people in my life and I KNOW they love me. We hang out. We have fun. More importantly they include me. I was just being a victim to my own vibe and having thoughts that are untrue and baseless. I have been having this thought since I was a child. This thought stems from how I was always left out from activities with my “friends” as a kid. Due to that trauma, anytime someone doesn’t reply OR invite me I immediately go into the thought of how no one likes me.

I am ashamed of having this thought because they do love me. It will take time but I know that I have to outgrow this.

You have not grown. You are still the scared and sad little boy you were.

As a kid there was a lot of trauma that I went through. I didn’t realise it at the time BUT now I can see how that stuff fucked me up. I was alone most of the time. Forced into my own world of games and cartoons. I never went out. Just stayed at home. It was easier for me to shut myself out from the world. I didn’t know how else to deal with it. It was overwhelming.

I am not perfect. I don’t think anyone perfect exists. I am who I am. I went through my past. The child still exists within me. I have grown. I have made great strides in developing myself. Sure, there are times where I am sad but I bounce back. I am scared but I am also fearless. I am down for whatever the universe throws at me.

Hit me with your best shot. I got this. You can’t keep me down motherfucker. I am coming for you.

One small trigger caused me to spiral down all the way to here. It started with how I missed out and ended up with how this is all related to my past. I know that it is related to my past. I just had to remind myself that I cannot change the past. I must learn from it and grow. Once I grow, I will be able to become the person that I want to become.

The scared and sad little boy still exists as my inner child. I need to become the nurturing and loving parent that my inner child needs. The kind of parent I needed when I was younger. I need to listen to what my inner child is telling me. I need to give it the love and support it needs to feel safe. I need to be there for my inner child. I will be writing more about this as I learn more about my inner child.

“I love you my inner child. You are safe now.”

In the past there were more days where I hated myself and the affects were much worse. It took a long time for me to realise that I must be happy within my own company. I must put out the positive vibe that I want to receive and the universe will respond, as it has. I guess I hated myself because today it felt like, after a long time, I was exhausted and defeated by my past. I was defeated by this negative vibe.

While I embrace this, I realise that a lot of work still needs to be done by me. It’s one of those days where I had to take it easy. My body and vibe were telling me to take a break. What’s done is done now. I need to realise that I cannot change the past. All I can do is move forward. Tomorrow we start again. Maintain discipline. More importantly, we pump out the positive vibes.

Initially I left myself brew in this self-hate because it’s easy. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself. It’s easy to put yourself down. It takes no effort. It is VERY easy to slip down and just give up. It’s easy to give up on yourself and to give up on life. I have been there before. It takes no effort. Your ego does all the work for you. You just have to be passive and let the hate flow.

I had to remind myself that having the victim mentality is what I hated about my past self. I hated how I used to always be sad. I hated how I would make no effort whatsoever in improving whatever I could improve on. Even as I write this, even after all the rationalising in the world, I WANT to sit here and brew. I want to corrupt myself from within. I want to give up. I feel like that part of me will never die. I have to be strong enough to make sure that my aware self will always win over my ego.

If anyone has had similar experiences or is going through something right now hit me up. I can’t promise you any solutions. I can only promise to offer you a different perspective and my attentive ear that will listen to you.

Life is good. I am glad that I am alive.

Crushes Are Normal

Sometimes I can’t ignore the way I feel when I see you smile.

The Ataris, Bite My Tongue
Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels.com

I used to, or still to some extent, get uneasy at the concept of having a crush. A crush by definition is “a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable.”

“A brief but intense infatuation,” There’s the issue I have with the word crush. The problem is that it is an infatuation, an obsession. I have no clue what that person is actually like. I have developed a crush based on physical appearances. I find that hard to deal with. I feel like it’s wrong. I know it’s natural but it feels wrong. It feels like I am objectifying her.

The person I have a crush on is so much more than that. There is the mind and soul that I have no idea about. I just think that this person is beautiful and I am attracted to them. I am just attracted to the idea of them rather than the actual person.

The crush then builds up. Your mind picks it up and runs with it to places you don’t want to go to. It takes you to ideas that you know are unrealistic. It gives you all these unrealistic thoughts and expectations that you have of this person. These “unhealthy” thoughts build up.

Do I act on these “unhealthy” thoughts?

Of course not.

However, these thoughts feel wrong to have.

I imagine living a life with them. I imagine sharing a box of pizza with them under a blanket while watching TV. No one else is there. There is no other worry. It’s just this person and me. Complete peace. Sometimes I imagine us driving together. I don’t care where the road leads to. I am just happy that I am with this person.

There are 2 things that remains constant in these “unhealthy” thoughts, as I like to refer to them.

The first is that there is this sense of complete peace and serenity. There is no care in the world. All that matters it that my crush is right here with me. These thoughts never get sexual. I am simply attracted to the intimacy and vulnerability in that moment.

The second is that person’s smile. I always imagine them smiling. A genuine smile just puts me in a state of tranquillity. There is a vibe in that smile. A vibe that tells me that everything is alright in the world. Just enjoy this moment. I absolutely fall head over heels for a smile that just exudes love. A smile that embraces you, that coddles you. I don’t even know anything about this person and here I am dreaming of a life together. I don’t know if this person is how I envision them to be.

I fall in love with that though. I have no clue yet I fall in love. The peace and happiness in those “unhealthy” thoughts. It makes me wonder, are these thoughts really “unhealthy” if there is so much positivity and love in them? Is it really “unhealthy” to feel happiness? Why do I assume that these thoughts are “unhealthy”?

Sure, I can call these thoughts unrealistic because reality is far from it. Yet, I choose to refer to these thoughts as “unhealthy.” I could be doing this on purpose. I could be doing this to prevent any notion of actually doing something about the crush. If I never act on my crush and try to get to know them better, then I will never be in an uncomfortable spot. I will never give them the opportunity to reject me. Therefore, I think of having a crush as a negative thing. That way I’ll never act on it.

I can count all the crushes I have had, throughout my entire life, on one hand. Obviously, I have never acted on them. Around 3-4 months ago, I had a mini crush and attempted to get to know her better. If I am being honest, it wasn’t a real attempt. It was more of a sad excuse of an attempt. It was to give myself the false assurance that I tried and failed. In all honesty, my attempt was pathetic. When I realised that the other person was not vibing, I decided to dip. I didn’t want to bother her. The vibe was telling me that it wasn’t meant to be.

A crush doesn’t necessarily have to be on someone unattainable as defined. I believe it’s defined like that because a lot of people get to know their crush better and realise that the crush is not meant for them. They were infatuated by the idea of the person and the idea of being in a relationship with that person. Once they realise who that person is, they decide it’s not for them and bail. They could also bail because they realise that it takes effort to get to know a person and be in relationship. They decide that their crush is not worth the effort and bail before it turns into anything real. They bail before committing.

Me personally, I’ve never had the courage to do anything about it in the past. I want to change that. I want to put in the effort. I want to be courageous. I want to take that first step. I want to grow a pair. I’m sick of living like a coward. I’m sick of being anxious all the time. I just want to relax and let these natural feelings flow. See where they take me.

If it works out, it works out. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. At least I won’t regret anything. At least I’ll know that I actually tried and gave it my best shot. At least I get to know another person. We might not end up dating but we could become friends.

I feel like with all the growth that I have done in the past year or so, I am a bit more comfortable with the idea of having a crush. I still get uneasy when I think about it BUT I feel like the first step is to realise that these thoughts are not unhealthy at all. These thoughts are natural. Once I can come to terms with that I feel like I would be able to better handle having a crush.

I might become more courageous. I might become a man of action. I might decide to actually take some steps and get to know that person well. Hell, if I still like them or rather if I allow myself to like them without the fear of getting hurt, I might actually ask them out.

I might be able to acknowledge, without feeling shy or guilty, that I do have a crush right now. It’s easy for me to say all this on the internet. Sure, I’m not anonymous but what are the odds that my crush will actually read this. What are the odds that she’ll actually realise I’m talking about her? I’m willing to take that risk.

Maybe this is again me being a coward. Maybe this is me being delusional, telling myself that I have actually done something to comfort myself. Why don’t I just tell her in real life? Why don’t I put in the effort to get to know her better?

Maybe getting all this out of me and into the real world is the first step I need to take to become more courageous. Maybe after this is out, I might actually take the first step to get to know my crush better. We shall see what happens.

At the end of the day I know one thing for sure, I don’t want to live a life of regret. I don’t want to look back at my life and have those “What if” thoughts. That’s not the life I want.

Stay safe. Keeping loving yourself and others. If you have a crush, get to know them better. Who knows, they might have a crush on you too.

I See Things – A Story

Photo by Stijn Dijkstra on Pexels.com

Am I the only one seeing this?

Shawn was standing in the middle of the meadow, on the outskirts of the village where he grew up in, puzzled. The long grass swaying with the wind, like waves in the ocean. There was a golden shimmer to the long grass; it looked like fairy dust. It lit up the meadow in the black night. As the long grass moved, the golden dust floated in the wind, dancing to a rhythm of its own beat.

The hair on the back of his neck stood up. His eyes widened for a brief moment, his mind frantic, struggling to come to terms with his senses. Every single fibre in his body was on red alert, telling him to turn back, to walk away. Telling him to ignore the obvious signs.

I must be dreaming. This can’t be real.

My whole life I have been seeing…things. I have been feeling…things. I say ‘things’ because that’s the only way I can describe them. Things like what I’m seeing and feeling right now. Things that feel real but don’t make sense. To make matters worse I’m the only one seeing these things and I don’t know why. I have prayed and I have asked all the Gods of different beliefs but nothing and no one seems to know what’s happening.

Everything in my life was planned out for me. I was to go to church school in the mornings and then help dad out in the farm after school. When I was at church school they would teach us how God was here to watch over us and if we committed sins we would be punished in this life and the hereafter. Then on the farm… well there was a lot of work to do on the farm.

I didn’t have much time to myself, to think about what I wanted out of life. I was content for I knew nothing else. All I knew was that the lord is watching over us so we must do good things and that I had to help out at the farm. I was destined for a normal ordinary life. All I want is a normal and ordinary life but we don’t always get everything that we want.

There was an order within the chaos. The grass was not just swaying randomly, the dust was not just floating in the air randomly. There was purpose, intent. This was sentient.

The first time, I saw something unusual, I saw a sea monster flying in the skies. I was around 13 at the time. Ken, the fisherman, would talk about the sea monster at the port but no one would believe him. Not even his own brother. Father would take me to the port once every new moon. He would be off gathering supplies and selling some of the harvest we had gathered. I would spend most the day at the docks listening to the amazing adventures of all the fisherman.

Ken had a small boat and would go fishing with his brother Hunter. Ken told me they had been out at sea for several days. Ken swears he spotted the sea monster but Hunter saw nothing. Ken described the sea monster to me.

“This creature was magnificent, terrifying but magnificent. It was as big as a town, massive. Its tail was bigger than a house. Black as the night sky, it had a hole on the top of its head where air would leak out from. I think it uses it to talk to the other monsters in the ocean depths. This creature had just come up to the boat…as if it was curious. I looked into its eyes. It was no ordinary monster. It was…kind and intelligent. I was terrified but when I stared into its eyes I just calmed down. I forgot that it was a monster. We just stared at each, the monster stared through me. It could see inside me.

I swear I felt the sea monster speak to me. I heard it tell me to calm down. It told me that I am a monster like you are a human. It told me that we both exist, that we are both real. It told me to relax and just let it be. I listened to the monster and we just shared a moment together. Then the monster let out some more air from the hole and dived straight down. It was unreal.”

I saw it floating in the skies and just like Hunter, my father did not believe me. It was majestic as it swam in the skies. It was not random, the sea monster also had purpose. These unnatural things started becoming more apparent and frequent. I would feel whatever I was seeing. I remember feeling frightened then calming down just like Ken when I saw the monster. I had let go of all logic, I had to go against what my body and mind were telling me.

Shawn heard a voice within him, calling out to him.

“Listen to your feelings. They will guide you.”

This has to be real. I can hear it. Who is this? Was it the golden dust? At this point what is real? What is fake? I don’t even know anymore.

“No way?!!” Shawn exclaimed in awe.

The golden dust formed a path, like the road back in town dimly lit by the lanterns at night. The dust formed a cushion behind him as it pushed him forward. Shawn did what felt natural. He started walking the path.

My father used to snap at me saying that this was the devil’s work, all these things I was seeing. The priest at Church would tell my parents that I was possessed, first by demons then by the Devil himself. I was overwhelmed by emotions. Emotions of fear, anxiety, pain, excitement and awe. It was all so confusing, very confusing. I didn’t know what was happening to me and it seemed like no one else did either.

They tried to ‘treat’ ‘it’. They called it an ‘illness’. It started with a concoction of some herbs that I would have to drink. It escalated into physical treatment where I would be caned and punished, to push the demon possessing me out. They tried to baptise me again but that did not stop me from visualising all these ‘things’. I was exorcised several times by many different priests. They would come in from neighbouring towns and villages. I was a…challenge to them. To prove their own worth to themselves? To society? To the Vatican? To God? Eventually I learned to lie…it was the only way out.

I kept the visions to myself. Tried to ignore it as best as I could. Thought that I was crazy for a long time. I denied myself from this greatness. Denied myself from the opportunity to experience my life to the fullest. I stayed at home, on the farm, with the animals that understood me, that didn’t judge me. Even the plants understood me. When you shut everything out and listen, you can hear the plants and trees talking to you. They are always talking. We just need to listen.

This was a fate that I had forced upon myself. One thing I knew for sure was that this was much better than what the priests or my own father had planned out to ‘help’ me. It was better to live this lie than to face the truth that had already caused me so much pain.

The more he walked, the more he let go of his ideals and beliefs. The more he embraced what was happening, the more it made sense. His heartbeat returned to normal, his senses were no longer heightened. He was finally at peace.

About 3 days ago, I was down at the port with my father and I remember Ken telling me about an unusual visitor at the docks. I saw Ken on the bow of his boat, perched, like the gargoyles pictured on the glass stained windows at church. He gestured with his good hand and I ran onto his boat. He told me about a mysterious visitor on the docks. He was dressed in a plain and frail green cloth that draped over his shoulder and wrapped around his waist. He was darker skinned than the rest of the people on the town and port. He stuck out like a sore thumb.

Ken told me he had seen this visitor in one of his dreams. He saw this visitor walk through barren deserts and destroyed towns. With his every step, life sprouted again. He saw me converse with the visitor and breakdown. After a hug and a pat on my shoulders, I had sprouted wings and flown into the skies, laughing maniacally. I was intrigued. I asked Ken if I should go talk to him. Ken, in his usual kooky yet wise manner, told me to do what felt right. I went to go find the visitor which didn’t take me long considering how he was the only man dressed in a plain green cloth walking around oblivious to the world around him.

The golden dust was leading him somewhere, it did not matter where. All that mattered was that this was happening now, this was happening in the present. He walked, thoughtless. Guided only by his emotions and the golden dust of course. He had lost track of all time and sense of direction. He did not recognise his surroundings but he was not alarmed. There was a sense of familiarity in the unknown, a sense of belonging.

You cannot forget a man like that.

His name was Pakku. He was old, looked very old but he had this pep in the way that he carried himself. He had a very distinct scar on the crown of his bald head. He had a warm smile and an open heart.

I could feel a sort of…light emanating from within him.

“I can sense a lot of discomfort within you.”

I hadn’t said anything

“You deny all these things in your life, all these experiences that are happening to you. In return you are miserable. Obviously you would be miserable.”

He just knew.

“If you take a fish out of the river and keep it in a small bucket, while that fist may be alive, is that fish actually living? Take the same fish and call it a dog. Will that fish stop swimming and start barking?”

He was here for me.

“Why are you denying yourself from living life? Life happens whether you choose to live or not. Learn to let go and let things be as they are. You cannot choose what happens to you in life, not all the time. Even when you plan every step of the way things will not end up how you had envisioned it. All you can do is choose how you are going to react to it.”

It all made sense at that time. He said those words, gave me another smile and walked away. After so long I had finally heard something that made sense to me. The words that Pakku had said resonated with me on a deeper, cosmic level.

I just needed to let go. I cannot control everything that happens. Whatever happens, happens. I just need to accept it for what it is.

Shawn waded through the long grass and up the hill, guided by the golden dust. At the apex of the hill, his eyes focused on a golden staircase in the middle of the field. This time he was no longer alarmed. A smile formed onto his face, unconsciously. His arms hung loosely by his side, his walk more and more comfortable with each step as the grass caressed, soothed, his legs.

The golden staircase was formed by more golden dust. Nothing about the staircase stood out anymore. It was what it was; a golden staircase in the middle of the fields going up into the sky as far as Shawn could see.

Shawn stepped onto the first step, body at peace, heart content, mind free.

“Let’s do this one step at a time.”