Tag Archives: Hate

Brewing In Self Hate

[T]hou canst not think worse of me than I do myself.

Robert Burton
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

Today was one of those where I just hated myself and everything that I did. Hate is a very strong word and I do not use that lightly. As harsh as it sounds, it was hate. As pure as it could be. All directed towards me.

I woke up late and missed out on a plan with the squad. Well to clarify I had woken up on time. I was depleted of energy, completely dead. I decided to go back to sleep.

Woke up a couple of hours later and went to work. Work was an alright day. Same as usual. Got home, made some food and passed out. Woke up a couple of hours later and worked out. The workout took forever because for some reason I was low on energy again. I finished the workout, had a late dinner and now I sit here typing this.

I can sort of explain why I hated myself today. It was just one of those days. I was upset at myself that I didn’t go to meet with the squad. Despite it not being in my control, I hated myself that I was so low on energy today. It took an enormous amount of effort to being my workout and get it done.

Even now as I type this out I absolutely hate myself.

Part of me is upset that today after a long time for some reason I felt alone. I was not content with my own company. I was upset that I couldn’t share this with anyone because I didn’t want to burden anyone.

This all goes back to my childhood I believe. I had parents that were emotionally unavailable. I didn’t really have any close friends. Today’s vibe reminded me of the past. It has taken a lot of work to get to where I am right now. Where I am content with myself…to a certain extent. However, I will have these random days where my vibes are just low. A small trigger such as the one today ends up affecting me enormously.

I will type out some of the questions and thoughts I had and how I tried to rationalise them to change my vibe. It didn’t really work but it did help make things better. I had to rationalise them as if I was giving advice to a friend.

I have noticed how we tend to be much more understand and comforting when giving advice to our friends. However, when it comes to ourselves we set a higher standard for ourselves and tend to be much more unforgiving and harsh. I tried to rationalise my thoughts as if I was speaking to a friend of mine. Trying to be understanding, comforting and loving rather than unforgiving.

You missed out on the squad meet.

I just hated myself for missing out on an opportunity to connect with people. I feel the happiest when I am out and connecting with people. Making real memories. I was just upset at how I gave in to my weakness, I succumbed to being on low energy and went back to sleep rather than going out and creating real moments. I tried to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world. There will be more meet ups in the future that I will be a part of. It is fine to feel low on energy and decide to take care of yourself. It’s fine to listen to what your body is telling you. Part of me believes that my body told me that because I am weak and the thoughts quickly escalated from there.

You are a loser.

The thought quickly turned into how I am a loser. I am never invited to events. I always miss out. I am never a part of anything. I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue as well. I am always invited. In fact the times that I do not go are my own choice due to work or, and this is where my thoughts took me next, is because I wasn’t able to wake up.

You are undisciplined.

I have been trying to wake up early since we went on lock down. I dream of being able to wake up at 5 AM and start the day with a work out before going to work. That way I have the rest of the day off. As you may be able to tell I have been unable to do so and I immediately started hating myself when I woke up.

“As usual Ammar, you were not able to wake up early because you are not disciplined in life.”

I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue. I have been working out consistently for the past 8 months with a couple of days off here and there. I manage to get to work on time. I get the things that need to be done throughout the day. I believe that my current lifestyle was only achieved based on my discipline.

You are fat.

I assumed that the low energy and negative vibes were due to a lack of food. I have been unable to properly eat for the past month now. The current schedule is all over the place and I haven’t been able to adhere to my intermittent fasting from 7 pm to 12 pm. Due to the schedule I have only been having 1 meal a day at midday for lunch. I told myself today that I would have 2 meals today regardless of the time for the second meal. I had a late dinner past 7 pm and immediately hated myself.

I had to rationalise this negative thought. Yes I may still be a bit fat but I have done a great job reducing my weight. I am in a much better place now. It is important to listen to your body and my body is telling me that I need more food. If I neglect what my body is telling me then I am going to end up hurting myself. Listen to your body and give it what it needs.

You have not achieved anything in life.

I am 27. No relationship. A job that does not fulfil me. A shit family life. No investments. No plan for the future. This thought was easier to rationalise for me. I have no clue what I want from life BUT I know what I don’t want and that’s this. I don’t want to be an Engineer. What do I want to do? I want to write, take photos and teach. I love connecting with people and want a job that allows me to do that.

My issues with my family are a bigger problem that I believe stem from a lack of space and boundaries. The only way to improve it is to move out. Maybe then I’ll have the space I need to do what I need to do without resenting them.

I don’t have any external investments BUT I am investing in myself. I am the biggest asset that I have. I will invest in myself and keep growing, bettering myself.

You have no friends. No one likes you.

While it is easy to victimise myself this is absolutely not true. I love the people in my life and I KNOW they love me. We hang out. We have fun. More importantly they include me. I was just being a victim to my own vibe and having thoughts that are untrue and baseless. I have been having this thought since I was a child. This thought stems from how I was always left out from activities with my “friends” as a kid. Due to that trauma, anytime someone doesn’t reply OR invite me I immediately go into the thought of how no one likes me.

I am ashamed of having this thought because they do love me. It will take time but I know that I have to outgrow this.

You have not grown. You are still the scared and sad little boy you were.

As a kid there was a lot of trauma that I went through. I didn’t realise it at the time BUT now I can see how that stuff fucked me up. I was alone most of the time. Forced into my own world of games and cartoons. I never went out. Just stayed at home. It was easier for me to shut myself out from the world. I didn’t know how else to deal with it. It was overwhelming.

I am not perfect. I don’t think anyone perfect exists. I am who I am. I went through my past. The child still exists within me. I have grown. I have made great strides in developing myself. Sure, there are times where I am sad but I bounce back. I am scared but I am also fearless. I am down for whatever the universe throws at me.

Hit me with your best shot. I got this. You can’t keep me down motherfucker. I am coming for you.

One small trigger caused me to spiral down all the way to here. It started with how I missed out and ended up with how this is all related to my past. I know that it is related to my past. I just had to remind myself that I cannot change the past. I must learn from it and grow. Once I grow, I will be able to become the person that I want to become.

The scared and sad little boy still exists as my inner child. I need to become the nurturing and loving parent that my inner child needs. The kind of parent I needed when I was younger. I need to listen to what my inner child is telling me. I need to give it the love and support it needs to feel safe. I need to be there for my inner child. I will be writing more about this as I learn more about my inner child.

“I love you my inner child. You are safe now.”

In the past there were more days where I hated myself and the affects were much worse. It took a long time for me to realise that I must be happy within my own company. I must put out the positive vibe that I want to receive and the universe will respond, as it has. I guess I hated myself because today it felt like, after a long time, I was exhausted and defeated by my past. I was defeated by this negative vibe.

While I embrace this, I realise that a lot of work still needs to be done by me. It’s one of those days where I had to take it easy. My body and vibe were telling me to take a break. What’s done is done now. I need to realise that I cannot change the past. All I can do is move forward. Tomorrow we start again. Maintain discipline. More importantly, we pump out the positive vibes.

Initially I left myself brew in this self-hate because it’s easy. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself. It’s easy to put yourself down. It takes no effort. It is VERY easy to slip down and just give up. It’s easy to give up on yourself and to give up on life. I have been there before. It takes no effort. Your ego does all the work for you. You just have to be passive and let the hate flow.

I had to remind myself that having the victim mentality is what I hated about my past self. I hated how I used to always be sad. I hated how I would make no effort whatsoever in improving whatever I could improve on. Even as I write this, even after all the rationalising in the world, I WANT to sit here and brew. I want to corrupt myself from within. I want to give up. I feel like that part of me will never die. I have to be strong enough to make sure that my aware self will always win over my ego.

If anyone has had similar experiences or is going through something right now hit me up. I can’t promise you any solutions. I can only promise to offer you a different perspective and my attentive ear that will listen to you.

Life is good. I am glad that I am alive.

Get Out of Your Head

Your cure is within you, yet you do not sense it! Your sickness is from you, yet you do not see it! You consider yourself a small body; yet encapsulated within you is the entire universe.

Quote by Imam Ali RA
Photo by Lukas Rychvalsky on Pexels.com

A good friend of mine shared this with me today and this is absolutely beautiful. We come into this world on our own and we leave this world on our own. Sure our family and friends are there but the majority of our time is spent alone.

We spend a lot of our time thinking in our heads. We have happy thoughts and sad thoughts. There are moments where we feel great. We are ready to take on the world. There are moments where we feel useless. We just want to hide from the world. There are moments where we feel big and powerful. There are moments where we feel small and worthless.

In my opinion, there will always be positive and negative feelings…emotions that we have to deal with on a daily basis. Depending on our mental state, some people have an easier time while others don’t.

There are a number of things that I do to help me deal with the negative thoughts and emotions that I go through. I am aware that these are unhealthy thoughts but I can’t help feel and think these thoughts and emotions. All I can do is try to deal with it the best way I can. I believe therapy is the best way to do this but until I go get therapy I try to cope/deal with them the best I can.

1 – Forgive yourself

Making “mistakes” is inevitable. Straying off your routine is bound to happen. We as humans are designed to make “mistakes”. We are designed to fail. We are also designed to persevere when we do fail. To be able to get back up after making a “mistake” or missing a workout is important. In order to do that you need to forgive yourself and move on. If you dwell on your shortcomings you’re going to be stuck in this rut. You will hold yourself back. You won’t love yourself and it’ll make life harder than it already is. Forgive yourself when you make a mistake and move on.

2 – Empathy

We tend to be more empathetic towards others than we are to ourselves. Think about it. When you miss a workout you tend to be harsh on yourself. You call yourself useless and fat. You beat yourself up about it. When a friend comes to you and complains how they missed a workout you tend to be more supportive. You tell them things like “It’s ok to take a break” or “You’ll get back at it tomorrow.” We tend to criticise ourselves very harshly. What I’ve tried to do is to talk to myself the way I would talk to my friends, with empathy. I’ve been trying to be less harsh towards myself.

Hold yourself to the same standards that you hold your friends to. There’s a hypocrisy in the way we act. We pretend that the standard we have set for ourselves is much higher while for our family and friends is much lower. Why do we do that? Shouldn’t the standards be the same? Isn’t that why we call them standards?

The reason why we hold our family and friends to a lower standard is because we look at them with empathy. We understand how life gets in the way. We understand how lack of sleep can be detrimental. However, when it comes to ourselves these excuses become unacceptable. Our ego pretends that we are better than the rest of them and in return we are very harsh on ourselves. That becomes more damaging than helpful.

3 – You hold the power

You are not helpless. This is what the quote above pertains to in my opinion. It is important to remind ourselves that we are not helpless. We hold the power. If we want to change, we have to put in the effort and change. We have to mould ourselves. We have to focus on the things we have control over. There is no point in thinking about things out of your control. Realigning your focus on things you have control over helps by changing the task at hand into a more manageable and less overwhelming tasks. It helps you come out of the victim mentality where you feel like everything is someone else’s fault rather than your own. Once you are able to come out of that mind-set, you start taking charge of your life. You start controlling and changing things within your control. Before you know it, you’ll be on the way.

4 – Rationalise the negative thoughts and feelings

This is a huge one that I struggle with on a daily basis. One of the absolute worst thoughts I have, that I’m assuming many others do as well (if not…oops), is I think people don’t care about me or love me. I tend to get disheartened when I don’t get a reply to a text message. I feel unloved when plans get cancelled or people hang out without me. I know I need therapy for this. From what I’ve read my behaviour is as a result of childhood trauma. Don’t really know how to STOP having those negative thoughts and feelings. Maybe they never stop. I don’t really know.

Instead what I try to do, to cope with this is rationalise those negative thoughts and emotions. I start with reminding myself that everybody has a life. They are busy doing other things. They are probably too busy to respond as I am when I get busy. That does not mean that they do not love me. If they did not love me, they would not be my friends. Once I remind myself of these things, most of the times, those thoughts and feelings go away. Sometimes I’m just lonely and would like to hang out with someone but since no one is free so you occupy yourself with other things.

5 – Look at things with Love

I try to look at every possible situation from a place of love. If I put on those “lenses” and look at the world from that perspective, suddenly, all of life’s problems disappear. My friend didn’t reply to me. I could choose to believe that they are ignoring me and hate me. I could choose to look at it from a place of love. They are probably busy and will reply when they are free. I am useless. I can choose to believe that or I can remind myself that I have accomplished so many things in life. A friend of mine has achieved something amazing. I can choose to be jealous of their success or I can choose to congratulate and support them reminding myself that their success does not take anything away from who I am.

I have noticed that when you’re first instinct is to come from a place of love or to look at things as an optimist you tend to be happier. All those negative thoughts disappear and you feel great again. I will talk about love on its own separately. Try to look at everything from a place of love.

These are a couple of things I do to try to keep loving myself. I try to remind myself of my worth to myself. I try to forgive myself.  Obviously these are no substitutes to therapy but hopefully it helps knowing that you’re all alone. We are all in this beautiful messed up situation together.

The most important thing to remember is to Keep Loving. Love yourself. Love others. Love everyone and everything.