Tag Archives: Intimacy

Woah….I want to Cuddle?

He imagined them sitting somewhere, just enjoying each other’s company, her head on his chest, his arm around her. And he realised how desperately lonely he had become.  

Tim LaHaye
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

My whole life I have been uncomfortable with physical touch and intimacy of any sorts. Recently however, I feel like that has changed. I had gotten together to meet up and have some food together with some friends. A friend and I worked together and grilled the food on the BBQ while the rest waited. The food was bomb. After the food everyone had gone inside the room while I stayed out with a couple of people.

I laid down on a bench outside and stared at the sky as I cooled down. The other people with me were talking to each other and I zoned out. In that moment, for some reason, I had the sudden urge to cuddle someone. It felt like I had just ran head first into a wall. It felt like this huge tsunami wave had just crashed into me taking me away with it. That happy content mood I was in went away. Instead there was a sense of dread and loneliness. Despite being surrounded by people I felt alone. All my energy drained immediately. All due to one ridiculous thought, that for some reason, chose to arose in that moment.

I just wanted to cuddle with a person as I lay there on that bench. There was a nice breeze rolling in and I was happy until that urge to cuddle crept up on me. I kind of lost interest in everything else that was happening.

For the first time in my life I WANTED someone to cuddle me. I am aware that most of you reading this are just thinking to yourselves that I am a weirdo and to that I say, I am a weirdo. This may be a normal thing for you but for me this is totally new. I do not have these urges or thoughts. Now I have had that thought and I feel bad.

My heart felt and still feels heavy as I write this. I feel butterflies in my heart. All that I want to do is cuddle someone. All that I am thinking about is cuddling someone. My heart feels like it is going to break into pieces. I want to feel their warmth. I want to listen to their heart beating. I, again for the first time, WANT intimacy. I feel selfish.

That thought feels wrong because that is not what I normally think of. It feels wrong because I am cuddling with someone in my thoughts without their consent if that makes sense. I am fantasizing about cuddling. How creepy is that? I feel ashamed. I feel guilty for having these thoughts that this person did not consent to. I feel that there is a breach of trust. This person has chosen to let me be a part of their world and I am breaching that trust.

I feel like a snake in the grass. I feel like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I do not have thoughts like these and now that I have for the first time it feels like I am inauthentic. I feel like I am a sly and conniving person who is out here being selfish. I promise you my thoughts come from a place of love. I legit had no control over it. If I did, I wouldn’t have had the thought of cuddling.

The problem is I did. No matter what I do I cannot take it back. It has been thought of now. This is something I have to live with now. I just have to remind myself that the only control I have is on my actions and my words. I cannot control every egoistic thought that comes into my head. Therefore, I shall not focus my energy on it. I shall focus on the things that I have control of.

I made a reddit post and looked through reddit as well to better understand what I am going through. Normally, listening to other people’s experiences don’t provide me with comfort. This time I felt like I need that comfort. Apparently a lot of people go through similar things. I just had the thought of cuddling but apparently people have sexual thoughts about their platonic friends all the time. It seems normal. Yet, here I am, feeling like a piece of shit.

Part of me knows that this is real because this is how I feel. Another part of me feels guilty and ashamed for having these thoughts. Now here I sit, conflicted. I do not know what I am feeling. All I know is that it is real and I don’t know how to process it. I can’t remember having such strong feelings in the past. A part of me is happy that this is normal and I am human. Another part of me expected me to do better and stay away from these kinds of things. I don’t know.

This is new to me. I am pretty confident that is just a mood swing or a phase that will pass. I thought it was interesting that I was feeling this for legitimately the first time in my life and I felt like journaling it would help me better understand it. I can confirm that it has not helped me better understand it. If anything I am worrying about it even more.

I cannot explain why this is happening all I know is that it is happening.

I can only control the things that are within my control.

I guess I just need to appreciate the collateral beauty of it all.

I guess, finally at the age of 27, I just hit puberty.

I would love to hear about your stories and how you dealt with the same feelings if you have ever had them before.

Intimacy Around Women

I have learned that there is more power in a good strong hug than in a thousand meaningful words.

Ann Hood
Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

Recently, a very a brave and amazing friend of mine shared something that she went through with the group. I was very moved by it. I teared up. While she was telling her story, I listened. I was amazed at her strength. I was amazed at how she managed to love, so purely, and have lost that love. That is not something I have experienced yet. To have loved so purely and lost. Her story, her strength, her love truly amazed me. I could feel the pain she had gone through. It was raw and honest. It was real.

Naturally, when talking about an event that has a lot of emotions and history attached to it, you are bound to get emotional and cry. When she started to cry my first instinct was to hug her. I wanted to comfort her, as a friend should. Another friend of mine had hugged her and stayed with her so I stayed where I was.

At the end of the day, before leaving, we all got up and she started to hug everyone. I wanted to but I couldn’t. I want to comfort her, let her know that it’s all going to be alright. I wanted to let her know that she is brave and strong for doing what she did. I wanted to let her know that I am here for her should she need someone to talk to. I wanted to let her know that she is not alone, that she is loved.

I stood in the back contemplating, should I go or is she going to come and hug me? I felt so awkward in that position, not because I am not her friend or didn’t care about her at all. It’s because I have an issue with hugs and contact with women in general. During the time I wasted contemplating, she had left.

I felt like shit. I made it all about myself rather than comfort her. I should’ve told her all the things I wanted to say in support of her. I was too weak to go and offer my support.

“What did I do?”

“Why didn’t I go?”

“Why did I make this awkward as hell?”

All these thoughts ran through my mind. I felt like shit when I got home. I had let myself down. I was disappointed in myself. I could not believe that I did not have the courage to go and comfort her. I sent her a message saying the things I wanted to say but I felt bad. This has been a running theme in my life. I thought I had grown…gotten over it but clearly I hadn’t.

My whole life I have avoided any sort of intimacy or contact with women. I believe it has something to do with the way I was raised. From an early age I had been made aware of the issues that women go through on a daily basis. Men putting women in uncomfortable positions on a daily basis. Creepy men who go in for hugs when the woman is clearly uncomfortable. Men who catcall women and harass them. Men who can’t take a hint that the woman is clearly uncomfortable. Men who go initiate a handshake and the woman is forced to comply because it’s “just a handshake.”

I grew up in a society that looks down on women. Anytime a woman tries to grow and be better, men like to put them down. Anytime a woman voices her opinion or takes a stances, men like to put them down. I grew up, surrounded by this. I grew up being aware of this. I grew up being aware of how men objectify women. I grew up surrounded by men telling me “it’s a woman’s job to take care of the house. Find yourself a wife that will cook for you and give you kids.”

How fucked up is that? A living human being is reduced to nothing but a glorified slave. There to please every little desire that you may have. I grew up with men telling me that “a wife cannot say No to her husband for anything. She cannot deny him sex or whatever else he may want. It is the husband’s right to demand these things.”

I think growing up surrounded by all these things has traumatised me. I get very uncomfortable around women regardless of if I find them attractive or not. It’s the weirdest thing ever. I have a hard time shaking their hands, hugging them or even give them a friendly tap or touch. I was told that you never shake a woman’s hand unless she initiates it first. That’s how I’ve been living my life. I guess this is why I barely had any female friends growing up. Now that I do, I have noticed how I am unable to provide the support they may need such as a hug in a time of vulnerability.

Being around this group of friends and seeing how they interact with each other makes me realise this even more. I want to be a part of this but I don’t know how to. I want be normal but I can’t get myself to act normal. I see them hugging and playfully pushing each other and I cannot be a part of that because I feel uncomfortable.

Another reason could be the relationship with my mother. From what I can recall my childhood was good. It wasn’t perfect but it was pretty good. Everything that I could possibly need was provided to me. Except for the emotional support. Both my parents worked. When I would come home they’d be taking a nap because they were tired from a full day of working. After the nap, mom would wake up and get the house in order. Food, clothes, cleaning etc.

Anytime I had an “emotional” issue she was unavailable to help me deal with it. Her usual responses were “this is what happens when you trust other people” or “this is what happens when you don’t listen to me.” Both parents were very pessimistic in their way of life. They had this outlook on life where everyone is evil and you cannot trust anyone other than yourself. I think that caused me to develop this issue I have with emotional intimacy.

Displaying emotional intimacy makes me very uncomfortable. It takes me back to that hurt boy who just wanted some help in dealing with the overwhelming emotions. All I want is for someone to say “It’s Ok” I suppose. I don’t really know what I want. All I know is that I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be emotionally disconnected. I don’t want to freak out at the prospect of a fucking hug to comfort someone. I was legitimately on the brink of having an anxiety attack when I saw my friend walk in my direction and hug the people in front of me.

I guess the point of this is to let other people, who struggle with the same thing, know that they are not alone. I know I need therapy for this so that I may process it better. I do want to improve in this aspect. I do want to be there for my friends. I have no problem in striking a conversation with anyone or introducing myself to strangers. The problem arises when there is a touch of intimacy whether that may be physically or emotionally.

I do believe I have gotten better at it. I believe that me acknowledging the problems in my behaviour is a good start but I am not happy with how I dealt with the latest situation. I want to get better to the point where I don’t need to second guess anything. I can just be a good friend.

I hope all you are staying safe. Keep loving yourself and each other.

Je Suis Un Virgin

“Being a Virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of, you’re like a unicorn.”

Shirley to Annie on the TV Show Community
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Well strap a carrot onto my forehead and slap my Hiney because I’m a Unicorn baby.  Here’s another detail about my life that is irrelevant and unnecessary but fuck it.

Hehehehe “Butt fuck.”

As surprising as it may sound, a hunk like me is still a virgin. I’m 27 and you must be wondering how have I managed to stay a virgin for so long despite having all the honeys doing whatever they can to get some of this sugar. How have I managed not to give my flower to anyone despite being so sexy? Let me enlighten you my friends.

Firstly, I am a man of God.

That booty may be fire but it ain’t hotter than Hell. I am not risking going to hell. 10 seconds of booty time will lead to an eternity in hell. Is that trade off worth it? Hell naw. Y’all must be out here like “Wow, this guy IS a virgin cuz that booty sure as hell is worth it.” To that I say, join me my brothers and sisters. Together we shall make our way into heaven.

Secondly, I use the terms honeys (ladies), sugar (my love), dope and thebomb.com.

While the boys sure appreciate these terms, the honeys do not. Now that I think about it, the boys have not offered their booties to me…Are they really my boys if they haven’t done that yet?

Am I going to change myself for the honeys? Hell naw. We out here chilling like villains. I’d rather stay authentic than sell myself out for some booty. It’s all about integrity and “respek.”

Thirdly, I am a certified “gangsta”.

Look at my IG. You can see all that fresh drip…dripping off me. I have major cojones and need a girl that can vibe with that. That intimidates the ladies. I am so fuck-able that, it has entirely backfired, and I am equally un-fuck-able. I am a living breathing paradox. Life is a cruel mistress but we’re still out here chilling.

Fourthly, I am a gentleman.

You have to wine and dine ME to get some of this loving.

“No thank you ma’am. I am a gentleman and will not fondle your breasts no matter how much you may insist.”

Women no longer have the patience for the process. They just want to get a good bang for their buck and move on. You have to seduce me. Make me want you. I am here for the long run and women are scared of that commitment.

Fifthly? I never had a mobile phone.

I got my first phone at the age of 23 for work. It wasn’t even for myself. It’s not like my parents were against me having a phone throughout my childhood. In fact they really wanted to get a phone. I was opposed to the idea of having a phone. I didn’t like the idea of being on the “grid”. I didn’t want to be available 24/7 for anyone to contact me.

Now if I was smooth, I could’ve used that to my advantage. I could’ve tried to create a persona where I was a man of mystery. A man of few words. Unfortunately, I was neither that smart nor that smooth to A- conceive the idea and B – actually execute it. In fact this wasn’t even an idea I came up with on my own at the age of 27. A good friend of mine told me that this was a possibility… Oh well.

I now realise that this may have been detrimental in both making friends and finding a girlfriend. While everyone was connecting on WhatsApp or Facetime, your boy over here was too busy watching movies, tv shows, anime or gaming. While everyone was socialising and interacting over the internet I was too busy in my own world. No wonder I had a difficult social life during school, college and even university.

Now for all those wondering how I was contacted by my parents and what little friends I had, well that was only possible by 3 ways. The first was through MSN until that died. The second was through FB Messenger. Both these options were only possible if I was at a computer or laptop with internet so basically if I was already at home.

The third, and you guys will love this, was through calling the friend I was hanging out with. If my parents or my friends knew who I was going to be hanging out with, they would call that person who would then give me their phone and voila, you have now reached me.

If the friend I was with, was for some reason unable to answer his phone, my parents did not hesitate at all to contact his parents to get to me. In hindsight I was just being an idiot and made my own life much more difficult.

I feel like you’ve all picked up on the fact that the reason why I am a virgin and have never had a relationship is because I tend to shoot myself in the foot by being an idiot.

Sixthly? And I guess my first and only serious point, I don’t want to bother the ladies by asking them out.

I feel like women go through a lot and the last thing they need is another guy asking them out or putting them in a position where they feel uncomfortable. I am also very bad at picking up hints so for all I know women have been trying to tell me they like me but that hasn’t worked out yet.

I’m going to go off a tangent here but why don’t women just shoot their shot? It would be so much easier for women to go out with the guys they want if they took that chance. If a woman was to ask a guy out, the chances of him saying yes are very high. It’s a win-win situation. Whipping your hair or fluttering your eyes at the guy you like, hoping he’s going to notice is probably not going to work.

Unless it does work and I’m the only idiot here.

I know women are scared of getting hurt just like men are. Some women may have to be more cautious for their own safety as well. I’m just saying it would take the pressure off me if women who found me attractive (statistically there has to be at least one) would just shoot their shot with me.

Lastly, I am very delusional.

In reality I have an intimacy issue with women that probably stems off my rocky distant relationship with my mother. I do not possess the cojones that I have mentioned in point number 3.

I am terrified of women and the idea of a relationship, that I actively choose to do everything I can to be as unappealing as possible. I try my best so that they may deem me as an unfit and unsuitable partner and “bingo bango” I won’t get into a relationship. This way I will never have to deal with my issues. Refer to points 1-4 for proof of how I do this.

“I embrace my virginity” said every virgin ever.

If you think you have what it takes to change my mind feel free to hit me up on my socials or drop a comment below. If you think you have what it takes to change my sexual status, feel free to hit me up. I will probably hide and avoid talking to you if you were to actually send me a message.

For all the readers out there, who can’t pick up on the tone of the article (like me with women), I would like to clarify that this is a satirical article. I am joking…to a certain extent. As J. Cole says in his song Fire Squad “All good jokes contain true shit.”

Feel free to leave comments below to educate people, yes even myself, on the daily struggles that women go through every day.