Tag Archives: Life

Insecurities Control Me

One of the greatest journeys in life is overcoming insecurity and learning to truly not give a shit.

J.A Konrath
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

All of us have insecurities, about one thing or another. Everyone deals with it in different ways. Some people like to journal. Some people like to let it out by talking with their friends and family. Some people go through self-affirmations reminding themselves about all the positives in life. Regardless of what you do, I believe that all you’re looking for is perspective.

Your insecurities can easily cause you lose sight and perspective of the truth. You get stuck in this loop. A simple insecurity such as “They don’t love me” or “I am all alone” can be triggered by a very small event. The reaction however can be blown out of proportions due to your insecurities.

During those intense moments, your reactions are flared up. You may still be thinking clearly. You may still be telling yourself that these thoughts are due to your insecurities flaring up. You tell yourself that these thoughts are not based on the truth.

You know that these thoughts are illogical. Yet you can’t help it. You can’t help think these thoughts. You can’t help but feel these emotions. That’s the problem with your insecurities getting triggered. Despite knowing all this, you can’t help but feel angry or mad. You can’t help but get pissed off.

 I still haven’t figured out what works for me. I get triggered and I don’t know what to do to get out of that zone. I try to do all the things listed above but nothing helps. Then after a while, I automatically calm down. I don’t know why I calm down either. It just happens on its own.

I can get all the perspective I want in the world but I can’t seem to get out of the triggered state I get sucked into. I want to be able to figure this out so that I don’t get triggered in the first place. Actually, I don’t think it’s even possible to not get triggered. I feel like that’s a normal reaction. Is it possible to not have insecurities?

If I do get triggered and if I could better understand it I would know how to get myself out of that state. I feel like that would be the most realistic way of trying to deal with my insecurities. But how? Nothing I do seems to be working. It just takes time and it goes away when I get exhausted.

Either way, it’s not pleasant getting triggered and feeling hurt for no legitimate reason. It gets exhausting to the people around me as well and the last thing I want to do is pass on the hurt to other people. I don’t want other people suffering due to my insecurities.

Regaining perspective seems to be the most recommended option out there so I guess I just need to keep working on myself to the point where I can regain my perspective and chill out. This ties in to the whole ego wanting to be in control thing as well. It purposefully gets hurt and bruised. That feeds the ego and makes it stronger.

Once the ego is in control of your thoughts and emotions it’s very hard to snap out of it. That’s the case for me anyways. Regardless of what I am going through or how difficult it is I have learned one thing recently.

The work is never done.

The process of self-improvement is a continuous one. Each day, each moment is a battle. All anyone can do is try their best and that’s what I am going to do.

I Am Not A “Man”

If we don’t place the straitjacket of gender roles on young children, we give them space to reach their full potential.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Photo by Alvin Decena on Pexels.com

Before getting into this, the idea of this website was to kind of vomit whatever came to my mind. I was hoping this would help me get over my fears of expressing myself and alongside that I’d be able to work on myself. You’d get a deep dive into my mind and I’d be able to feel like I am doing something with my life. I was hoping those going through the same things as me would be able to relate and feel like they weren’t alone.

The goal was to talk about positive things and the good vibes but I’m sure as all of you have noticed the website has a bit of a negative vibe. For some reason it is so much easier to write when you are in that negative vibe. When you’re sad or depressed it just becomes easier to pour your heart out. I guess this is why a lot of artists work best when they’re sad. It just comes naturally and you let go of all your inhibitions and get to work.

When I’m happy, I sort of just vibe and enjoy the moment. The last thing on my mind is to write about it because I’m too busy just enjoying it in the moment. Hopefully, the vibe of the website turns around soon and all of you can be a part of the good parts of my life and not just the negative parts.

Now onto the sad shit.

Growing up I wasn’t your typical boy. While I loved playing sports, video games and cars, I kind of always loved dancing, weddings and rom coms as well. Stuff that “normal” boys didn’t like. I kind of gravitated towards women and felt like they just had so much more fun than the guys did. In my culture, the men and women sit in separate rooms. The men act all macho in their room while the women get to take off their hijabs and relax. The men would kind of just sit there discussing politics and the news. Then you walk into the women’s room and they’re laughing and joking around and having a good time. I guess I knew, since I was a kid that I just wanted to have a good time.

I was bullied as a kid. What a segue right? A majority of kids go through some form of bullying. That doesn’t give me an excuse for being weak. It’s just that growing up I was told to never hit anyone no matter what happens. My parents would tell me that I would get in trouble for fighting. If someone was to pick on me I was to go talk to the teacher. They put a 10 year old boy in that overwhelming position. Not only do I have to deal with the bullying, which I don’t even understand why it was happening in the first place, but I also had to build up the courage and in an essence snitch on the bullies to the teacher.

Snitches get stitches. A 10 year old boy in a position like that. Overwhelming.

My parents told me I’d get in trouble by the school and then by my parents as well. Therefore, I never stood up for myself. I never fought with anyone. I’d get beat up or verbally bullied and kind of just take it all in. I didn’t have many people I could trust growing up. People I’d consider friends would talk about me behind my back. I’d share secrets with “friends” that were then spread around the school. I was never invited to anything. I do not blame them. Everyone has a right to choose whoever they want to be friends with. I cannot control what other people think of me.

I also cannot change the past. In a way I had made my peace with it but for the past couple of weeks the theme has been coming back up.

I am not a “man.”

I keep getting told by a lot of people around me. I know they’re joking. I know they don’t mean ill intent. It’s just that my ego holds on to it and over exaggerates the whole situation. Those same friends have reiterated several times that I am a “man.” However, my ego chooses to ignore those thoughts. My ego is louder than my higher self at the moment.

The ego gets me thinking about the whole issue. I never stood up for myself. I like all these weird feminine things that normal men don’t like. Recently, I randomly met a wedding dress designer at a café with my friends and I was more excited than the women that were there with me. I don’t look at women like most men do. I get uncomfortable around women. While I am working on that it’s just a bit frustrating that I cannot let go of it. My ego clings on to how people are joking that I am not a “man.”

My higher self is totally fine. I understand that there is no hate. I understand that this is coming from a place of love. I joke around with other people from a place of love. I don’t normally voice what my ego is clinging on to. I choose not to give it that power, that voice. Also, I don’t say anything to my friends because I don’t want them to treat me any differently just because my ego cannot handle it.

Ironic how I’m giving my ego a voice by writing this out.

That’s kind of the problem with being open with your friends. They’ll start to sugar coat things and treat you differently so that they don’t accidentally hurt you when in reality it’s just a bit of banter. That’s why my friends have no clue for the time being that I even have this website up. Well 2 friends do know but I love them and trust them. It just gives me the chance to kind of write whatever comes to mind. It gives me that chance to tell you what my ego is telling me in my head without being judged or burdening my friends.

My friends are amazing. I know they won’t feel burdened at all. If anything they would want me to share my thoughts and feelings. I know I want them to share their thoughts and feelings when they go through something similar. The problem is my ego is telling me otherwise and at the moment it is the louder voice.

I am perfectly capable of taking a joke. I like to make jokes and I don’t mind taking jokes at all. My energy has just dipped recently and the following questions naturally popped up in my head.

Why now?

Why is all this triggering me now as opposed to before?

I can think of a couple of reasons as to why if I’m being honest. The ego clinging on to the thoughts I have mentioned above could be one point.

I think the real issue is not the thought that I am not a “man.” There is another issue as well that I am too afraid to talk about for now. Maybe in the future. Who knows? I certainly don’t know when I’ll be ready. I know, for now, that I do not possess the courage to voice those thoughts for when I do I will not be able to take those words back.  Once I voice those concerns they will become real. For now I’ve decided to focus on how I am not a “man.”

I am glad I went through what I did in my childhood. That’s kind of made me who I am. While I am not perfect, I am content with where I am in my life. Can things be better? Sure, but I’m still content and happy with where I am at.

It’s just that since I am not a “traditional man” according to society, how will I be able to get a partner in life?

If she cannot see me as a “man,” then how will she decide to spend the rest of her life with me?

How will I raise my kids?

I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself. I don’t know how to stand up for myself. How will I be able to teach that to my kids if I don’t know how to do it?

How will I preach what I do not practice?

There is a certain hypocrisy to parenting that I’ll talk about in another article. I’ll try to make that more positive than this but I don’t see how I’ll be able to do that.  

I don’t want anyone to feel the way I do. It sucks. I am a pussy. What can I do about it? I guess acknowledging the issue is the first step to fixing anything.

For a long time I have been insecure about this. I feel inadequate. At this point I don’t know how to process it. That’s why I’m here writing about it, hoping that as I vomit everything out things will start to make sense. They don’t make complete sense at the moment but hopefully they will in the future.

As I do write this, I do feel much more calm and relaxed now. It’s all about gaining some perspective. I cannot change my past. I can only affect my future by controlling the present.

I am 100% confident that I want to always come from a place of love. I want to trust people completely. If they cherish that trust then I welcome them with open arms. If they abuse that trust then I have learned more about them as a person. Therefore, that is what I shall try to do as I move forward. If that means not living like a “man” then I am fine with that.              

Let’s see what else life has got planned for me.

I hope to one day possess the courage to address the real issue that is causing me this discomfort. Unfortunately, I am not ready for it just yet.

Woah….I want to Cuddle?

He imagined them sitting somewhere, just enjoying each other’s company, her head on his chest, his arm around her. And he realised how desperately lonely he had become.  

Tim LaHaye
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

My whole life I have been uncomfortable with physical touch and intimacy of any sorts. Recently however, I feel like that has changed. I had gotten together to meet up and have some food together with some friends. A friend and I worked together and grilled the food on the BBQ while the rest waited. The food was bomb. After the food everyone had gone inside the room while I stayed out with a couple of people.

I laid down on a bench outside and stared at the sky as I cooled down. The other people with me were talking to each other and I zoned out. In that moment, for some reason, I had the sudden urge to cuddle someone. It felt like I had just ran head first into a wall. It felt like this huge tsunami wave had just crashed into me taking me away with it. That happy content mood I was in went away. Instead there was a sense of dread and loneliness. Despite being surrounded by people I felt alone. All my energy drained immediately. All due to one ridiculous thought, that for some reason, chose to arose in that moment.

I just wanted to cuddle with a person as I lay there on that bench. There was a nice breeze rolling in and I was happy until that urge to cuddle crept up on me. I kind of lost interest in everything else that was happening.

For the first time in my life I WANTED someone to cuddle me. I am aware that most of you reading this are just thinking to yourselves that I am a weirdo and to that I say, I am a weirdo. This may be a normal thing for you but for me this is totally new. I do not have these urges or thoughts. Now I have had that thought and I feel bad.

My heart felt and still feels heavy as I write this. I feel butterflies in my heart. All that I want to do is cuddle someone. All that I am thinking about is cuddling someone. My heart feels like it is going to break into pieces. I want to feel their warmth. I want to listen to their heart beating. I, again for the first time, WANT intimacy. I feel selfish.

That thought feels wrong because that is not what I normally think of. It feels wrong because I am cuddling with someone in my thoughts without their consent if that makes sense. I am fantasizing about cuddling. How creepy is that? I feel ashamed. I feel guilty for having these thoughts that this person did not consent to. I feel that there is a breach of trust. This person has chosen to let me be a part of their world and I am breaching that trust.

I feel like a snake in the grass. I feel like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I do not have thoughts like these and now that I have for the first time it feels like I am inauthentic. I feel like I am a sly and conniving person who is out here being selfish. I promise you my thoughts come from a place of love. I legit had no control over it. If I did, I wouldn’t have had the thought of cuddling.

The problem is I did. No matter what I do I cannot take it back. It has been thought of now. This is something I have to live with now. I just have to remind myself that the only control I have is on my actions and my words. I cannot control every egoistic thought that comes into my head. Therefore, I shall not focus my energy on it. I shall focus on the things that I have control of.

I made a reddit post and looked through reddit as well to better understand what I am going through. Normally, listening to other people’s experiences don’t provide me with comfort. This time I felt like I need that comfort. Apparently a lot of people go through similar things. I just had the thought of cuddling but apparently people have sexual thoughts about their platonic friends all the time. It seems normal. Yet, here I am, feeling like a piece of shit.

Part of me knows that this is real because this is how I feel. Another part of me feels guilty and ashamed for having these thoughts. Now here I sit, conflicted. I do not know what I am feeling. All I know is that it is real and I don’t know how to process it. I can’t remember having such strong feelings in the past. A part of me is happy that this is normal and I am human. Another part of me expected me to do better and stay away from these kinds of things. I don’t know.

This is new to me. I am pretty confident that is just a mood swing or a phase that will pass. I thought it was interesting that I was feeling this for legitimately the first time in my life and I felt like journaling it would help me better understand it. I can confirm that it has not helped me better understand it. If anything I am worrying about it even more.

I cannot explain why this is happening all I know is that it is happening.

I can only control the things that are within my control.

I guess I just need to appreciate the collateral beauty of it all.

I guess, finally at the age of 27, I just hit puberty.

I would love to hear about your stories and how you dealt with the same feelings if you have ever had them before.

Just Play with it

It is a happy talent to know how to play.

Ralph Waldo Emerson
Photo by Tarikul Raana on Pexels.com

For the past couple of weeks I have been hearing different people telling me to “Just play with it.” The concept is interesting.

A friend showed me some Budokon moves and I practiced them with him for a bit. Then he told me to play around with it in the grass. Another friend showed me some primal movement and said the same thing. You may be thinking to yourselves “Oh that isn’t such a big deal.” However, to me, it was a big deal.

I was shocked at how I couldn’t play with it. There was a barrier, a hesitation to do whatever came naturally. I couldn’t follow my instincts because I did not know what they want me to do. I have been detached with my playful inner child that I had no idea how to play around in the grass. It felt awkward.

I have noticed how when we are kids we are present in the moment. Kids just play around. They have a pure heart. They fight and then they make up the next second and continue playing. To kids nothing else matters. All that matters is what is happening in the now.

As kids grow up they are conditioned. They are conditioned by parents, by the teachers in the school, by the media and by society. They are taught to act a certain way, to talk a certain way, to play a certain way, to eat a certain way and to dance a certain way. They are taught to live life a certain way.

Then as those kids turn into adults and start working, they realise that they aren’t happy. They aren’t happy because they are living life in a way that does not align with their true selves. They are living life the way that they were taught rather than the way they naturally want to. They are taught from a young age that once you get a job you’ll be happy. Once they do get a job, they start questioning life. What more is there to life? What do we do next?

All we then try to do is go back to being kids. The idea of playing in the grass is exciting to us. We start trying to try things out that make us happy. We try yoga, we try dancing, we try playing sports, we try working out or we go on adventures.

What we fail to realise is that we used to do all these things when we were kids. When we weren’t conditioned. All these things come naturally to kids. When you are living in a way that aligns with your natural instincts to live life, you are automatically happy. There is less resistance and you are more content.

Embrace the inner child within you. Let that child come out and play. Let that child hold the reigns to your life and have some fun.

Misunderstanding Words

Words have power. When, used properly, can convey the message from the speaker to the listener. However, things get complicated when you tie words to emotions. When you try to describe a feeling with words. It’s hard to translate that into a verbal dictionary. That experience, that emotion is more than just a couple of words. The spoken word is so limited that it cannot be used to fully express an emotion. There will be a difference in the actual emotion and the words being used to describe it.

I don’t know why but I feel hurt today. A friend said something to me and while I am fairly confident it was a joke, it just hurt. I feel like the words used were unnecessary and uncalled for. It felt like that person took the opportunity to hit me in front of the rest of the squad. Had this been in private or in a smaller group I wouldn’t have minded. However, this was in front of everyone. I normally dish out jokes and can take a hit as well. For some reason this felt personal.

That’s the problem with texts and words. The context is lost. The tone is lost. Messages can be easily misinterpreted. Again, I am fairly certain this person said what they said as a joke. I have chosen to understand it as an attack on me that was unnecessary and that has hurt me. If this was a conversation in real life the tone of voice would’ve conveyed the message more accurately. It would’ve been a different setting.

Besides being hurt you then start to doubt yourself. Do you confront this person and ask them if everything is ok? Does that make you look petty? Does that make you look like a wimp who can’t take a joke? I know my feelings are valid because I am experiencing it. How do I deal with this? How do you deal with it? I would love to know. The problem is once you confront them you know that things will change. They won’t be the same again.

I guess I’m just a bit sensitive at the moment. We normally tend to ask ourselves why but I have been trying to stray away from that. Does anybody ask why the tree grows? No. It grows for that is its nature. We ask “how does a tree grow?” or “what does a tree do to grow?” I need to dive deep and see what triggered this response. How can I deal with this response? Then maybe I can ask why I felt triggered at the joke.

My initial instinct is to just ask the person the intent and to avoid any miscommunications but I don’t know why I’m hesitant to do that this time.

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. I guess I just had to get this out so that I may be able to sleep. Whether I do fall asleep or stay up all night thinking about it I do not know. We shall see what happens. There’s no fancy picture or quote for this one. I just wanted to get this out of my system.

I’d love to hear if any of you have gone through something similar and how you dealt with it.

The Life I want

And into the forest I go to lose my mind and find my soul.

John Muir
Me – Taken by a Friend

I have not written in a while because I have been enjoying life. I have been busy with living. I have been living from moment to moment. The person in the picture you see above is me. That is who I want to be 24/7. I am glad a friend of mine chose to step out of the moment and capture me in the moment. I have my hair doing its natural thing. I am in a relaxed state. I am connecting with people which I absolutely love. I am part of something real.

A couple of us decided to meet before sunrise and go to the desert to just enjoy the moment. It was amazing. I was totally disconnected from my life. Rather, I should say I was totally connected with life. I was just there in the present…aware of nothing else but what surrounds me. At that moment all that mattered to me was connecting with the people and the environment around me.

I feel like connecting with the environment is something that we as humans do not value enough. To be at one with nature. Without any distractions. Just totally present in the moment. Nature has a way of providing that for us. It has a way of demanding our attention and presence. It makes you forget. All you have to do in nature is exist, which is all you can do anyways. In return, nature will take over because well that is its nature. As confusing as that sounds, think about it.

This picture is going to be an inspiration for me. I am going to use that picture of myself to drive myself to get the life I want. I am going to push myself to live the way I want to. In order to live the life I want I need to setup ways of generating a passive income. Sadly, that is the world we live in. A world in which you cannot live without money. Money that enables you and allows you the freedom to live however you want.

In order to do so I need to discover what drives me. I need to figure out what I’m passionate about. That’s what life is all about, Experiences. Living life to its fullest potential and experiencing as many things as possible is what life is all about. That’s my take on it anyways.

There is one thing I am certain of; I want to be the Ammar you see in the picture. I will do whatever I can to achieve that lifestyle.

Living Takes Real Courage

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

When you are physically and mentally exhausted, you are at your most vulnerable. When you have no more tears to shed because you’re all dried up, that’s when you’re at your weakest. Your ego uses the opportunity to bring you down. It takes advantage of your weakness and strikes. It attacks your inner child. I struggled trying to nurture my inner child today. Took a lot of effort. The most effort it has taken in a while. The vibes were off but I’m glad I experienced it. It has strengthened my resolve.

For those of you who have had suicidal thoughts, you just want to end it all. It seems like the easiest option. You just want the endless cycle of pain to stop. A part of you wants to inflict pain upon the people who claim to love you. They don’t understand. No one understands. You are all alone. You just want to end it all…give up. You want to let everything you’ve worked so hard for go. You think to yourself “What’s the fucking point?” You lose sight of why you started living life this way.

I never had the “courage” to do it. I was more “religious” back then so I had the fear of God and Hell in me that stopped me from doing anything about it. I did do my research on it. I found out different ways of doing it. There are so many ways but they all had pain involved. There was an element of regret in all those methods. I found that moments before the point of no return, everyone wished they hadn’t gone through with it. There is that survival instinct that kicks in…a fear that helps you stop and forces you to live.

I want to clarify that I am not glorifying suicide nor advocating for it. I am just saying that I get it. I get why you want to do it.

All I can say is please don’t. It doesn’t help knowing that someone else is having similar thoughts or is going through the same thing as you. I never found comfort in it. Some of you might feel better, some of you might not. If what I say next helps then I’m glad. If it doesn’t help then that sucks. I guess you’re like me. You look at it as if it is a solo battle that you need to win on your own.

I realised that I am not going to let all these motherfuckers win. I am not going to give up. I am not going to stop fighting. You feel like shit. Take that shit in. Embrace it. Feel sad. Go through the motions. Once you’re done…once you feel better, you fucking pick yourself up and you start again.

If I kill myself, I let them have the last laugh. I let them win. There is no way I am going to give them the satisfaction of getting that victory over me. You may affect my life now but I will not let you win.

I chose to become stubborn. That’s my response to the factors affecting me negatively at the moment. I realise that they exist for the time being and I have to deal with them until I can do something about it. So until that fortuitous moment shall present itself, I will be stubborn.

It is more courageous to live. To face your problems head on. To not give up. That is real courage. Killing yourself is the coward’s way out. I have been a coward my whole life. I have decided to finally stand up for myself. To stand up for everything I believe in.

That’s how I see it. That’s what keeps me going.

If you like to share your sorrows with people hit me the fuck up. I got you fam. If you believe in fighting this solo here’s my perspective on it.

Good luck out there. Stay strong.

The Superhero Within

I want you to know that it’s okay if you only save one person and it’s okay if that person is you.

Anonymous Professor of Anthropology
Photo by Josh Hild on Pexels.com

We all have a superhero within us. We have tremendous power with our actions and our words. The ability to save someone’s day. To make someone’s day better. A friendly “Hello” or a nice compliment on their outfit can totally make a person’s day.

An act of kindness is a super power that many of us fail to acknowledge. We could help someone cross the street or give someone some spare change. All that you need are a couple of seconds of your time. We all go through problems but a small friendly gesture can give them a moment of happiness.

Something as small as asking a stranger “How are you doing?” will make them feel much better. It shows them that someone cares. This random stranger who you don’t know and who doesn’t know you actually considers you to be a human being. This person actually wants to know how I am doing. It gives that person a voice. It lets them know that someone does care. You don’t know what kind of day they might be having but a simple question could make there day better. Even if it’s just for one small brief insignificant minute, is that not worth it?

Initially that small gesture may be overlooked. You may not think that this small act of kindness or these few words of compliments have any weight but I can assure you they do. I have always appreciated them regardless of my emotional and mental state. It just lifts me up. I am sure it lifts other people up too.

We can use our super powers in a similar way but with ourselves. We can use it to make ourselves feel better. The power of the words you speak to yourself affect you heavily. The things you do for yourself impact you heavily.

Self-affirmations can change your outlook on life. They give you that uplifting voice you need when you’re feeling down. Reminding yourself of how beautiful and amazing you are is important. We often lose sight of that.         

Treat yourself with a shopping spree or some nice food. Go out for a walk or workout. Go to a salon and get yourself taken care of. Do whatever makes you happy, for you and no one else. All these small acts of kindness towards yourself help lift you up. They help you feel good. They have the power to bring you out of a negative vibe. They can make your day even if it’s just for a brief moment.

Speak it into existence. Will it into existence. That is our superpower.

We are all superheroes. All you need to do is believe it.

Brewing In Self Hate

[T]hou canst not think worse of me than I do myself.

Robert Burton
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

Today was one of those where I just hated myself and everything that I did. Hate is a very strong word and I do not use that lightly. As harsh as it sounds, it was hate. As pure as it could be. All directed towards me.

I woke up late and missed out on a plan with the squad. Well to clarify I had woken up on time. I was depleted of energy, completely dead. I decided to go back to sleep.

Woke up a couple of hours later and went to work. Work was an alright day. Same as usual. Got home, made some food and passed out. Woke up a couple of hours later and worked out. The workout took forever because for some reason I was low on energy again. I finished the workout, had a late dinner and now I sit here typing this.

I can sort of explain why I hated myself today. It was just one of those days. I was upset at myself that I didn’t go to meet with the squad. Despite it not being in my control, I hated myself that I was so low on energy today. It took an enormous amount of effort to being my workout and get it done.

Even now as I type this out I absolutely hate myself.

Part of me is upset that today after a long time for some reason I felt alone. I was not content with my own company. I was upset that I couldn’t share this with anyone because I didn’t want to burden anyone.

This all goes back to my childhood I believe. I had parents that were emotionally unavailable. I didn’t really have any close friends. Today’s vibe reminded me of the past. It has taken a lot of work to get to where I am right now. Where I am content with myself…to a certain extent. However, I will have these random days where my vibes are just low. A small trigger such as the one today ends up affecting me enormously.

I will type out some of the questions and thoughts I had and how I tried to rationalise them to change my vibe. It didn’t really work but it did help make things better. I had to rationalise them as if I was giving advice to a friend.

I have noticed how we tend to be much more understand and comforting when giving advice to our friends. However, when it comes to ourselves we set a higher standard for ourselves and tend to be much more unforgiving and harsh. I tried to rationalise my thoughts as if I was speaking to a friend of mine. Trying to be understanding, comforting and loving rather than unforgiving.

You missed out on the squad meet.

I just hated myself for missing out on an opportunity to connect with people. I feel the happiest when I am out and connecting with people. Making real memories. I was just upset at how I gave in to my weakness, I succumbed to being on low energy and went back to sleep rather than going out and creating real moments. I tried to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world. There will be more meet ups in the future that I will be a part of. It is fine to feel low on energy and decide to take care of yourself. It’s fine to listen to what your body is telling you. Part of me believes that my body told me that because I am weak and the thoughts quickly escalated from there.

You are a loser.

The thought quickly turned into how I am a loser. I am never invited to events. I always miss out. I am never a part of anything. I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue as well. I am always invited. In fact the times that I do not go are my own choice due to work or, and this is where my thoughts took me next, is because I wasn’t able to wake up.

You are undisciplined.

I have been trying to wake up early since we went on lock down. I dream of being able to wake up at 5 AM and start the day with a work out before going to work. That way I have the rest of the day off. As you may be able to tell I have been unable to do so and I immediately started hating myself when I woke up.

“As usual Ammar, you were not able to wake up early because you are not disciplined in life.”

I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue. I have been working out consistently for the past 8 months with a couple of days off here and there. I manage to get to work on time. I get the things that need to be done throughout the day. I believe that my current lifestyle was only achieved based on my discipline.

You are fat.

I assumed that the low energy and negative vibes were due to a lack of food. I have been unable to properly eat for the past month now. The current schedule is all over the place and I haven’t been able to adhere to my intermittent fasting from 7 pm to 12 pm. Due to the schedule I have only been having 1 meal a day at midday for lunch. I told myself today that I would have 2 meals today regardless of the time for the second meal. I had a late dinner past 7 pm and immediately hated myself.

I had to rationalise this negative thought. Yes I may still be a bit fat but I have done a great job reducing my weight. I am in a much better place now. It is important to listen to your body and my body is telling me that I need more food. If I neglect what my body is telling me then I am going to end up hurting myself. Listen to your body and give it what it needs.

You have not achieved anything in life.

I am 27. No relationship. A job that does not fulfil me. A shit family life. No investments. No plan for the future. This thought was easier to rationalise for me. I have no clue what I want from life BUT I know what I don’t want and that’s this. I don’t want to be an Engineer. What do I want to do? I want to write, take photos and teach. I love connecting with people and want a job that allows me to do that.

My issues with my family are a bigger problem that I believe stem from a lack of space and boundaries. The only way to improve it is to move out. Maybe then I’ll have the space I need to do what I need to do without resenting them.

I don’t have any external investments BUT I am investing in myself. I am the biggest asset that I have. I will invest in myself and keep growing, bettering myself.

You have no friends. No one likes you.

While it is easy to victimise myself this is absolutely not true. I love the people in my life and I KNOW they love me. We hang out. We have fun. More importantly they include me. I was just being a victim to my own vibe and having thoughts that are untrue and baseless. I have been having this thought since I was a child. This thought stems from how I was always left out from activities with my “friends” as a kid. Due to that trauma, anytime someone doesn’t reply OR invite me I immediately go into the thought of how no one likes me.

I am ashamed of having this thought because they do love me. It will take time but I know that I have to outgrow this.

You have not grown. You are still the scared and sad little boy you were.

As a kid there was a lot of trauma that I went through. I didn’t realise it at the time BUT now I can see how that stuff fucked me up. I was alone most of the time. Forced into my own world of games and cartoons. I never went out. Just stayed at home. It was easier for me to shut myself out from the world. I didn’t know how else to deal with it. It was overwhelming.

I am not perfect. I don’t think anyone perfect exists. I am who I am. I went through my past. The child still exists within me. I have grown. I have made great strides in developing myself. Sure, there are times where I am sad but I bounce back. I am scared but I am also fearless. I am down for whatever the universe throws at me.

Hit me with your best shot. I got this. You can’t keep me down motherfucker. I am coming for you.

One small trigger caused me to spiral down all the way to here. It started with how I missed out and ended up with how this is all related to my past. I know that it is related to my past. I just had to remind myself that I cannot change the past. I must learn from it and grow. Once I grow, I will be able to become the person that I want to become.

The scared and sad little boy still exists as my inner child. I need to become the nurturing and loving parent that my inner child needs. The kind of parent I needed when I was younger. I need to listen to what my inner child is telling me. I need to give it the love and support it needs to feel safe. I need to be there for my inner child. I will be writing more about this as I learn more about my inner child.

“I love you my inner child. You are safe now.”

In the past there were more days where I hated myself and the affects were much worse. It took a long time for me to realise that I must be happy within my own company. I must put out the positive vibe that I want to receive and the universe will respond, as it has. I guess I hated myself because today it felt like, after a long time, I was exhausted and defeated by my past. I was defeated by this negative vibe.

While I embrace this, I realise that a lot of work still needs to be done by me. It’s one of those days where I had to take it easy. My body and vibe were telling me to take a break. What’s done is done now. I need to realise that I cannot change the past. All I can do is move forward. Tomorrow we start again. Maintain discipline. More importantly, we pump out the positive vibes.

Initially I left myself brew in this self-hate because it’s easy. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself. It’s easy to put yourself down. It takes no effort. It is VERY easy to slip down and just give up. It’s easy to give up on yourself and to give up on life. I have been there before. It takes no effort. Your ego does all the work for you. You just have to be passive and let the hate flow.

I had to remind myself that having the victim mentality is what I hated about my past self. I hated how I used to always be sad. I hated how I would make no effort whatsoever in improving whatever I could improve on. Even as I write this, even after all the rationalising in the world, I WANT to sit here and brew. I want to corrupt myself from within. I want to give up. I feel like that part of me will never die. I have to be strong enough to make sure that my aware self will always win over my ego.

If anyone has had similar experiences or is going through something right now hit me up. I can’t promise you any solutions. I can only promise to offer you a different perspective and my attentive ear that will listen to you.

Life is good. I am glad that I am alive.

Haunted By The Past

Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.

Cormac McCarthy – All The Pretty Horses
Photo by Luis Quintero on Pexels.com

The past will creep up on us when we least suspect it. One moment you’ll be happy with your friends or relaxing in bed before falling asleep. Out of the blue, it jumps out and reminds you the time you “messed” up in the past. You relive those moments in a loop.

“Why did I do that?”

“I wish I had done that instead.”

You start to regret those moments. You get stuck. You cringe at those moments. All those emotions come flooding back. You feel awkward, scared, vulnerable and ashamed. Most of my life I have dreaded my past. I have tried to repress the feelings that come up. Pretend like it never happened. Pretend like I have grown from it.

Yet, I find myself going through the same motions. Feeling the same emotions in the present as well. Clearly, these feelings and emotions have weight. They are heavy. They are real. They are still affecting me. They are still unresolved.

In order to work through this I need to realise the importance of the past traumas in my life. It is important to understand that these feelings emanate from my childhood trauma. The roots of these feelings are deeply embedded in the past. Once you acknowledge this, you can then move on to resolving those feelings…dealing with those feelings.

The importance of the past is often overlooked. People tell you to forget about the past and focus on the present which will affect the future. While that is true, it is important to acknowledge the past. We learn from the past.

We must look back to understand why we act the way we do. Why we feel the way we do. It’s all linked to the past. Only then are we able to grow.

Take the time to reminisce. Acknowledge your feelings. Try to find the root in the past. Hopefully then you will be able to grow.