Tag Archives: Love

Woah….I want to Cuddle?

He imagined them sitting somewhere, just enjoying each other’s company, her head on his chest, his arm around her. And he realised how desperately lonely he had become.  

Tim LaHaye
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

My whole life I have been uncomfortable with physical touch and intimacy of any sorts. Recently however, I feel like that has changed. I had gotten together to meet up and have some food together with some friends. A friend and I worked together and grilled the food on the BBQ while the rest waited. The food was bomb. After the food everyone had gone inside the room while I stayed out with a couple of people.

I laid down on a bench outside and stared at the sky as I cooled down. The other people with me were talking to each other and I zoned out. In that moment, for some reason, I had the sudden urge to cuddle someone. It felt like I had just ran head first into a wall. It felt like this huge tsunami wave had just crashed into me taking me away with it. That happy content mood I was in went away. Instead there was a sense of dread and loneliness. Despite being surrounded by people I felt alone. All my energy drained immediately. All due to one ridiculous thought, that for some reason, chose to arose in that moment.

I just wanted to cuddle with a person as I lay there on that bench. There was a nice breeze rolling in and I was happy until that urge to cuddle crept up on me. I kind of lost interest in everything else that was happening.

For the first time in my life I WANTED someone to cuddle me. I am aware that most of you reading this are just thinking to yourselves that I am a weirdo and to that I say, I am a weirdo. This may be a normal thing for you but for me this is totally new. I do not have these urges or thoughts. Now I have had that thought and I feel bad.

My heart felt and still feels heavy as I write this. I feel butterflies in my heart. All that I want to do is cuddle someone. All that I am thinking about is cuddling someone. My heart feels like it is going to break into pieces. I want to feel their warmth. I want to listen to their heart beating. I, again for the first time, WANT intimacy. I feel selfish.

That thought feels wrong because that is not what I normally think of. It feels wrong because I am cuddling with someone in my thoughts without their consent if that makes sense. I am fantasizing about cuddling. How creepy is that? I feel ashamed. I feel guilty for having these thoughts that this person did not consent to. I feel that there is a breach of trust. This person has chosen to let me be a part of their world and I am breaching that trust.

I feel like a snake in the grass. I feel like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I do not have thoughts like these and now that I have for the first time it feels like I am inauthentic. I feel like I am a sly and conniving person who is out here being selfish. I promise you my thoughts come from a place of love. I legit had no control over it. If I did, I wouldn’t have had the thought of cuddling.

The problem is I did. No matter what I do I cannot take it back. It has been thought of now. This is something I have to live with now. I just have to remind myself that the only control I have is on my actions and my words. I cannot control every egoistic thought that comes into my head. Therefore, I shall not focus my energy on it. I shall focus on the things that I have control of.

I made a reddit post and looked through reddit as well to better understand what I am going through. Normally, listening to other people’s experiences don’t provide me with comfort. This time I felt like I need that comfort. Apparently a lot of people go through similar things. I just had the thought of cuddling but apparently people have sexual thoughts about their platonic friends all the time. It seems normal. Yet, here I am, feeling like a piece of shit.

Part of me knows that this is real because this is how I feel. Another part of me feels guilty and ashamed for having these thoughts. Now here I sit, conflicted. I do not know what I am feeling. All I know is that it is real and I don’t know how to process it. I can’t remember having such strong feelings in the past. A part of me is happy that this is normal and I am human. Another part of me expected me to do better and stay away from these kinds of things. I don’t know.

This is new to me. I am pretty confident that is just a mood swing or a phase that will pass. I thought it was interesting that I was feeling this for legitimately the first time in my life and I felt like journaling it would help me better understand it. I can confirm that it has not helped me better understand it. If anything I am worrying about it even more.

I cannot explain why this is happening all I know is that it is happening.

I can only control the things that are within my control.

I guess I just need to appreciate the collateral beauty of it all.

I guess, finally at the age of 27, I just hit puberty.

I would love to hear about your stories and how you dealt with the same feelings if you have ever had them before.

Living Takes Real Courage

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

When you are physically and mentally exhausted, you are at your most vulnerable. When you have no more tears to shed because you’re all dried up, that’s when you’re at your weakest. Your ego uses the opportunity to bring you down. It takes advantage of your weakness and strikes. It attacks your inner child. I struggled trying to nurture my inner child today. Took a lot of effort. The most effort it has taken in a while. The vibes were off but I’m glad I experienced it. It has strengthened my resolve.

For those of you who have had suicidal thoughts, you just want to end it all. It seems like the easiest option. You just want the endless cycle of pain to stop. A part of you wants to inflict pain upon the people who claim to love you. They don’t understand. No one understands. You are all alone. You just want to end it all…give up. You want to let everything you’ve worked so hard for go. You think to yourself “What’s the fucking point?” You lose sight of why you started living life this way.

I never had the “courage” to do it. I was more “religious” back then so I had the fear of God and Hell in me that stopped me from doing anything about it. I did do my research on it. I found out different ways of doing it. There are so many ways but they all had pain involved. There was an element of regret in all those methods. I found that moments before the point of no return, everyone wished they hadn’t gone through with it. There is that survival instinct that kicks in…a fear that helps you stop and forces you to live.

I want to clarify that I am not glorifying suicide nor advocating for it. I am just saying that I get it. I get why you want to do it.

All I can say is please don’t. It doesn’t help knowing that someone else is having similar thoughts or is going through the same thing as you. I never found comfort in it. Some of you might feel better, some of you might not. If what I say next helps then I’m glad. If it doesn’t help then that sucks. I guess you’re like me. You look at it as if it is a solo battle that you need to win on your own.

I realised that I am not going to let all these motherfuckers win. I am not going to give up. I am not going to stop fighting. You feel like shit. Take that shit in. Embrace it. Feel sad. Go through the motions. Once you’re done…once you feel better, you fucking pick yourself up and you start again.

If I kill myself, I let them have the last laugh. I let them win. There is no way I am going to give them the satisfaction of getting that victory over me. You may affect my life now but I will not let you win.

I chose to become stubborn. That’s my response to the factors affecting me negatively at the moment. I realise that they exist for the time being and I have to deal with them until I can do something about it. So until that fortuitous moment shall present itself, I will be stubborn.

It is more courageous to live. To face your problems head on. To not give up. That is real courage. Killing yourself is the coward’s way out. I have been a coward my whole life. I have decided to finally stand up for myself. To stand up for everything I believe in.

That’s how I see it. That’s what keeps me going.

If you like to share your sorrows with people hit me the fuck up. I got you fam. If you believe in fighting this solo here’s my perspective on it.

Good luck out there. Stay strong.

The Superhero Within

I want you to know that it’s okay if you only save one person and it’s okay if that person is you.

Anonymous Professor of Anthropology
Photo by Josh Hild on Pexels.com

We all have a superhero within us. We have tremendous power with our actions and our words. The ability to save someone’s day. To make someone’s day better. A friendly “Hello” or a nice compliment on their outfit can totally make a person’s day.

An act of kindness is a super power that many of us fail to acknowledge. We could help someone cross the street or give someone some spare change. All that you need are a couple of seconds of your time. We all go through problems but a small friendly gesture can give them a moment of happiness.

Something as small as asking a stranger “How are you doing?” will make them feel much better. It shows them that someone cares. This random stranger who you don’t know and who doesn’t know you actually considers you to be a human being. This person actually wants to know how I am doing. It gives that person a voice. It lets them know that someone does care. You don’t know what kind of day they might be having but a simple question could make there day better. Even if it’s just for one small brief insignificant minute, is that not worth it?

Initially that small gesture may be overlooked. You may not think that this small act of kindness or these few words of compliments have any weight but I can assure you they do. I have always appreciated them regardless of my emotional and mental state. It just lifts me up. I am sure it lifts other people up too.

We can use our super powers in a similar way but with ourselves. We can use it to make ourselves feel better. The power of the words you speak to yourself affect you heavily. The things you do for yourself impact you heavily.

Self-affirmations can change your outlook on life. They give you that uplifting voice you need when you’re feeling down. Reminding yourself of how beautiful and amazing you are is important. We often lose sight of that.         

Treat yourself with a shopping spree or some nice food. Go out for a walk or workout. Go to a salon and get yourself taken care of. Do whatever makes you happy, for you and no one else. All these small acts of kindness towards yourself help lift you up. They help you feel good. They have the power to bring you out of a negative vibe. They can make your day even if it’s just for a brief moment.

Speak it into existence. Will it into existence. That is our superpower.

We are all superheroes. All you need to do is believe it.

Brewing In Self Hate

[T]hou canst not think worse of me than I do myself.

Robert Burton
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

Today was one of those where I just hated myself and everything that I did. Hate is a very strong word and I do not use that lightly. As harsh as it sounds, it was hate. As pure as it could be. All directed towards me.

I woke up late and missed out on a plan with the squad. Well to clarify I had woken up on time. I was depleted of energy, completely dead. I decided to go back to sleep.

Woke up a couple of hours later and went to work. Work was an alright day. Same as usual. Got home, made some food and passed out. Woke up a couple of hours later and worked out. The workout took forever because for some reason I was low on energy again. I finished the workout, had a late dinner and now I sit here typing this.

I can sort of explain why I hated myself today. It was just one of those days. I was upset at myself that I didn’t go to meet with the squad. Despite it not being in my control, I hated myself that I was so low on energy today. It took an enormous amount of effort to being my workout and get it done.

Even now as I type this out I absolutely hate myself.

Part of me is upset that today after a long time for some reason I felt alone. I was not content with my own company. I was upset that I couldn’t share this with anyone because I didn’t want to burden anyone.

This all goes back to my childhood I believe. I had parents that were emotionally unavailable. I didn’t really have any close friends. Today’s vibe reminded me of the past. It has taken a lot of work to get to where I am right now. Where I am content with myself…to a certain extent. However, I will have these random days where my vibes are just low. A small trigger such as the one today ends up affecting me enormously.

I will type out some of the questions and thoughts I had and how I tried to rationalise them to change my vibe. It didn’t really work but it did help make things better. I had to rationalise them as if I was giving advice to a friend.

I have noticed how we tend to be much more understand and comforting when giving advice to our friends. However, when it comes to ourselves we set a higher standard for ourselves and tend to be much more unforgiving and harsh. I tried to rationalise my thoughts as if I was speaking to a friend of mine. Trying to be understanding, comforting and loving rather than unforgiving.

You missed out on the squad meet.

I just hated myself for missing out on an opportunity to connect with people. I feel the happiest when I am out and connecting with people. Making real memories. I was just upset at how I gave in to my weakness, I succumbed to being on low energy and went back to sleep rather than going out and creating real moments. I tried to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world. There will be more meet ups in the future that I will be a part of. It is fine to feel low on energy and decide to take care of yourself. It’s fine to listen to what your body is telling you. Part of me believes that my body told me that because I am weak and the thoughts quickly escalated from there.

You are a loser.

The thought quickly turned into how I am a loser. I am never invited to events. I always miss out. I am never a part of anything. I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue as well. I am always invited. In fact the times that I do not go are my own choice due to work or, and this is where my thoughts took me next, is because I wasn’t able to wake up.

You are undisciplined.

I have been trying to wake up early since we went on lock down. I dream of being able to wake up at 5 AM and start the day with a work out before going to work. That way I have the rest of the day off. As you may be able to tell I have been unable to do so and I immediately started hating myself when I woke up.

“As usual Ammar, you were not able to wake up early because you are not disciplined in life.”

I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue. I have been working out consistently for the past 8 months with a couple of days off here and there. I manage to get to work on time. I get the things that need to be done throughout the day. I believe that my current lifestyle was only achieved based on my discipline.

You are fat.

I assumed that the low energy and negative vibes were due to a lack of food. I have been unable to properly eat for the past month now. The current schedule is all over the place and I haven’t been able to adhere to my intermittent fasting from 7 pm to 12 pm. Due to the schedule I have only been having 1 meal a day at midday for lunch. I told myself today that I would have 2 meals today regardless of the time for the second meal. I had a late dinner past 7 pm and immediately hated myself.

I had to rationalise this negative thought. Yes I may still be a bit fat but I have done a great job reducing my weight. I am in a much better place now. It is important to listen to your body and my body is telling me that I need more food. If I neglect what my body is telling me then I am going to end up hurting myself. Listen to your body and give it what it needs.

You have not achieved anything in life.

I am 27. No relationship. A job that does not fulfil me. A shit family life. No investments. No plan for the future. This thought was easier to rationalise for me. I have no clue what I want from life BUT I know what I don’t want and that’s this. I don’t want to be an Engineer. What do I want to do? I want to write, take photos and teach. I love connecting with people and want a job that allows me to do that.

My issues with my family are a bigger problem that I believe stem from a lack of space and boundaries. The only way to improve it is to move out. Maybe then I’ll have the space I need to do what I need to do without resenting them.

I don’t have any external investments BUT I am investing in myself. I am the biggest asset that I have. I will invest in myself and keep growing, bettering myself.

You have no friends. No one likes you.

While it is easy to victimise myself this is absolutely not true. I love the people in my life and I KNOW they love me. We hang out. We have fun. More importantly they include me. I was just being a victim to my own vibe and having thoughts that are untrue and baseless. I have been having this thought since I was a child. This thought stems from how I was always left out from activities with my “friends” as a kid. Due to that trauma, anytime someone doesn’t reply OR invite me I immediately go into the thought of how no one likes me.

I am ashamed of having this thought because they do love me. It will take time but I know that I have to outgrow this.

You have not grown. You are still the scared and sad little boy you were.

As a kid there was a lot of trauma that I went through. I didn’t realise it at the time BUT now I can see how that stuff fucked me up. I was alone most of the time. Forced into my own world of games and cartoons. I never went out. Just stayed at home. It was easier for me to shut myself out from the world. I didn’t know how else to deal with it. It was overwhelming.

I am not perfect. I don’t think anyone perfect exists. I am who I am. I went through my past. The child still exists within me. I have grown. I have made great strides in developing myself. Sure, there are times where I am sad but I bounce back. I am scared but I am also fearless. I am down for whatever the universe throws at me.

Hit me with your best shot. I got this. You can’t keep me down motherfucker. I am coming for you.

One small trigger caused me to spiral down all the way to here. It started with how I missed out and ended up with how this is all related to my past. I know that it is related to my past. I just had to remind myself that I cannot change the past. I must learn from it and grow. Once I grow, I will be able to become the person that I want to become.

The scared and sad little boy still exists as my inner child. I need to become the nurturing and loving parent that my inner child needs. The kind of parent I needed when I was younger. I need to listen to what my inner child is telling me. I need to give it the love and support it needs to feel safe. I need to be there for my inner child. I will be writing more about this as I learn more about my inner child.

“I love you my inner child. You are safe now.”

In the past there were more days where I hated myself and the affects were much worse. It took a long time for me to realise that I must be happy within my own company. I must put out the positive vibe that I want to receive and the universe will respond, as it has. I guess I hated myself because today it felt like, after a long time, I was exhausted and defeated by my past. I was defeated by this negative vibe.

While I embrace this, I realise that a lot of work still needs to be done by me. It’s one of those days where I had to take it easy. My body and vibe were telling me to take a break. What’s done is done now. I need to realise that I cannot change the past. All I can do is move forward. Tomorrow we start again. Maintain discipline. More importantly, we pump out the positive vibes.

Initially I left myself brew in this self-hate because it’s easy. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself. It’s easy to put yourself down. It takes no effort. It is VERY easy to slip down and just give up. It’s easy to give up on yourself and to give up on life. I have been there before. It takes no effort. Your ego does all the work for you. You just have to be passive and let the hate flow.

I had to remind myself that having the victim mentality is what I hated about my past self. I hated how I used to always be sad. I hated how I would make no effort whatsoever in improving whatever I could improve on. Even as I write this, even after all the rationalising in the world, I WANT to sit here and brew. I want to corrupt myself from within. I want to give up. I feel like that part of me will never die. I have to be strong enough to make sure that my aware self will always win over my ego.

If anyone has had similar experiences or is going through something right now hit me up. I can’t promise you any solutions. I can only promise to offer you a different perspective and my attentive ear that will listen to you.

Life is good. I am glad that I am alive.

An Unwelcoming Household

The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don’t want.

Karen Salmansohn
Photo by Renan Lima on Pexels.com

For me leaving the life I don’t want includes leaving my family. I do not want to live with them anymore. I want to have my own space and more importantly the freedom that comes with it.

I have always imagined living a minimalist lifestyle. I hate clutter and unnecessary things. I picture a very clean and spacious room. Spacious not in terms of size but spacious in terms of how empty it is. I don’t need much to live a happy life. A happy life in itself is a weird concept but that’s for later. I just need the essentials.

To truly understand what happens to me when I come “home”, I’ll tell you what I am like when I’m not “home.” When I’m outside, I am happy. I am loud. I am having fun.  It’s all about love and positivity. I enjoy the moment. There is no worry in my life. I just relax and enjoy whatever comes my way. My brain is clear. It doesn’t hurt. That’s why I really enjoyed this quarantine.

When I didn’t have work I’d leave the house at 5 AM and go sit on the beach. There was no worry in the world. There was nothing to do, except for enjoying the moment, enjoying THIS moment.

I feel unwelcomed in my house. The moment I enter the door, a switch flips. I am this serious and sad person. I feel uncomfortable. I stay quiet. I am just by…myself. It feels like there’s this heavy dark cloud hovering above me whenever I’m home. I don’t talk to anyone. I am just there, breathing…existing. It honestly feels like the real me is supressed deep within myself just so I don’t get hurt. I numb myself so that I am unaffected by all the things bothering me at home. I temporarily kill myself in the metaphorical sense for now.

I grew up in an emotionally unavailable household. I guess I’ve associated this house with that feeling now. My life is good but I don’t feel welcome at home. Robin Hobb wrote “Home is people, not a place.” Elvis Presley says “home is where the heart is.” In both cases I know that this is not home.

This is going to be harsh but this is all coming from the heart. This will not sound like it at all but please remember that this is coming from a place of love. A place of self-love and love for my family.

In a way I have begun, or already do, resent the people at “home.” I resent my family. They do things that I want to avoid. Their habits and mannerisms are everything that I do not want in my life. They are everything that I want to outgrow in my life. Every time I am home I am constantly reminded of these habits that I want to avoid.

There is a lot of clutter in the house that I want to get rid of. Living in clutter has made our lifestyle very disorganised which I do not like at all. There is no space to clear your mind and just breathe. They leave the lights on in rooms that are not being used. They leave doors open. They focus on problems that they have nothing to do with at all. There is this stream of constant toxic words that come out of them about what other people are up to. Instead of fixing ourselves, everyone in this house is too busy trying to fix others. I just want everyone to relax and chill for a moment. Forget about the world and other people and focus on yourself.

I want to get away from all this. I will get away from all this the first chance I get. Their negativity seeps into me. I can feel it corrupting me. I am not delusional. I know that life on my own will be tough to deal with but at least I can move on to a different chapter in my life. At least I’ll have a place I can call home. A place where I can truly relax. A place where I am not suffocating. A place where I do not have to supress any part of the real me. I would finally be able to love myself 24/7 or at least more than I can now.

I feel like if I was to move out and get away from all this, if I could get my own space, I’d be able to start loving my family. I would be able to do all the things I have wanted to do like get into photography, videography and start making podcasts. I can’t do these things at “home.” There are too many disturbances at “home.” Things the family just wouldn’t understand. For a long time, I have blamed the house and the family for why I have not been able to pursue all these things.

If I move out I’d finally be able to get rid of this excuse that I have been milking for as long as I can remember. I would be able to grow out of this mind set and this rut. Life would change for the better or the worse but I know I am ready to move on. Maybe once I start pursuing all these things that I have been thinking about and planning for the majority of my life I might stop resenting my family.

I might stop thinking of them as the reason for my failure and discover that I am a failure on my own. It’s easier to blame my short comings and failures on other people and in this case it has been my family for a long time. Once I move out, I might discover other challenges and reasons that contribute to my failure shifting the blame off my family. I might be able to grow. More importantly, I might be able to love them.

One things for sure, I am done. I know what needs to happen. I have to move out when I can. I have to keep reminding myself that this is all coming from a place of love. Firstly, this is so that I can love myself. Secondly, this is so that I can start loving my family. I may resent them now BUT I want to move out to separate them from my failures. They are free to live the life they want to and so am I. Once their negativity and vibe can no longer affect me, I believe I would be able to look past it and star loving them.

Stay safe. Keeping loving yourself and each other.

Crushes Are Normal

Sometimes I can’t ignore the way I feel when I see you smile.

The Ataris, Bite My Tongue
Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels.com

I used to, or still to some extent, get uneasy at the concept of having a crush. A crush by definition is “a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable.”

“A brief but intense infatuation,” There’s the issue I have with the word crush. The problem is that it is an infatuation, an obsession. I have no clue what that person is actually like. I have developed a crush based on physical appearances. I find that hard to deal with. I feel like it’s wrong. I know it’s natural but it feels wrong. It feels like I am objectifying her.

The person I have a crush on is so much more than that. There is the mind and soul that I have no idea about. I just think that this person is beautiful and I am attracted to them. I am just attracted to the idea of them rather than the actual person.

The crush then builds up. Your mind picks it up and runs with it to places you don’t want to go to. It takes you to ideas that you know are unrealistic. It gives you all these unrealistic thoughts and expectations that you have of this person. These “unhealthy” thoughts build up.

Do I act on these “unhealthy” thoughts?

Of course not.

However, these thoughts feel wrong to have.

I imagine living a life with them. I imagine sharing a box of pizza with them under a blanket while watching TV. No one else is there. There is no other worry. It’s just this person and me. Complete peace. Sometimes I imagine us driving together. I don’t care where the road leads to. I am just happy that I am with this person.

There are 2 things that remains constant in these “unhealthy” thoughts, as I like to refer to them.

The first is that there is this sense of complete peace and serenity. There is no care in the world. All that matters it that my crush is right here with me. These thoughts never get sexual. I am simply attracted to the intimacy and vulnerability in that moment.

The second is that person’s smile. I always imagine them smiling. A genuine smile just puts me in a state of tranquillity. There is a vibe in that smile. A vibe that tells me that everything is alright in the world. Just enjoy this moment. I absolutely fall head over heels for a smile that just exudes love. A smile that embraces you, that coddles you. I don’t even know anything about this person and here I am dreaming of a life together. I don’t know if this person is how I envision them to be.

I fall in love with that though. I have no clue yet I fall in love. The peace and happiness in those “unhealthy” thoughts. It makes me wonder, are these thoughts really “unhealthy” if there is so much positivity and love in them? Is it really “unhealthy” to feel happiness? Why do I assume that these thoughts are “unhealthy”?

Sure, I can call these thoughts unrealistic because reality is far from it. Yet, I choose to refer to these thoughts as “unhealthy.” I could be doing this on purpose. I could be doing this to prevent any notion of actually doing something about the crush. If I never act on my crush and try to get to know them better, then I will never be in an uncomfortable spot. I will never give them the opportunity to reject me. Therefore, I think of having a crush as a negative thing. That way I’ll never act on it.

I can count all the crushes I have had, throughout my entire life, on one hand. Obviously, I have never acted on them. Around 3-4 months ago, I had a mini crush and attempted to get to know her better. If I am being honest, it wasn’t a real attempt. It was more of a sad excuse of an attempt. It was to give myself the false assurance that I tried and failed. In all honesty, my attempt was pathetic. When I realised that the other person was not vibing, I decided to dip. I didn’t want to bother her. The vibe was telling me that it wasn’t meant to be.

A crush doesn’t necessarily have to be on someone unattainable as defined. I believe it’s defined like that because a lot of people get to know their crush better and realise that the crush is not meant for them. They were infatuated by the idea of the person and the idea of being in a relationship with that person. Once they realise who that person is, they decide it’s not for them and bail. They could also bail because they realise that it takes effort to get to know a person and be in relationship. They decide that their crush is not worth the effort and bail before it turns into anything real. They bail before committing.

Me personally, I’ve never had the courage to do anything about it in the past. I want to change that. I want to put in the effort. I want to be courageous. I want to take that first step. I want to grow a pair. I’m sick of living like a coward. I’m sick of being anxious all the time. I just want to relax and let these natural feelings flow. See where they take me.

If it works out, it works out. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. At least I won’t regret anything. At least I’ll know that I actually tried and gave it my best shot. At least I get to know another person. We might not end up dating but we could become friends.

I feel like with all the growth that I have done in the past year or so, I am a bit more comfortable with the idea of having a crush. I still get uneasy when I think about it BUT I feel like the first step is to realise that these thoughts are not unhealthy at all. These thoughts are natural. Once I can come to terms with that I feel like I would be able to better handle having a crush.

I might become more courageous. I might become a man of action. I might decide to actually take some steps and get to know that person well. Hell, if I still like them or rather if I allow myself to like them without the fear of getting hurt, I might actually ask them out.

I might be able to acknowledge, without feeling shy or guilty, that I do have a crush right now. It’s easy for me to say all this on the internet. Sure, I’m not anonymous but what are the odds that my crush will actually read this. What are the odds that she’ll actually realise I’m talking about her? I’m willing to take that risk.

Maybe this is again me being a coward. Maybe this is me being delusional, telling myself that I have actually done something to comfort myself. Why don’t I just tell her in real life? Why don’t I put in the effort to get to know her better?

Maybe getting all this out of me and into the real world is the first step I need to take to become more courageous. Maybe after this is out, I might actually take the first step to get to know my crush better. We shall see what happens.

At the end of the day I know one thing for sure, I don’t want to live a life of regret. I don’t want to look back at my life and have those “What if” thoughts. That’s not the life I want.

Stay safe. Keeping loving yourself and others. If you have a crush, get to know them better. Who knows, they might have a crush on you too.

Je Suis Un Virgin

“Being a Virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of, you’re like a unicorn.”

Shirley to Annie on the TV Show Community
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Well strap a carrot onto my forehead and slap my Hiney because I’m a Unicorn baby.  Here’s another detail about my life that is irrelevant and unnecessary but fuck it.

Hehehehe “Butt fuck.”

As surprising as it may sound, a hunk like me is still a virgin. I’m 27 and you must be wondering how have I managed to stay a virgin for so long despite having all the honeys doing whatever they can to get some of this sugar. How have I managed not to give my flower to anyone despite being so sexy? Let me enlighten you my friends.

Firstly, I am a man of God.

That booty may be fire but it ain’t hotter than Hell. I am not risking going to hell. 10 seconds of booty time will lead to an eternity in hell. Is that trade off worth it? Hell naw. Y’all must be out here like “Wow, this guy IS a virgin cuz that booty sure as hell is worth it.” To that I say, join me my brothers and sisters. Together we shall make our way into heaven.

Secondly, I use the terms honeys (ladies), sugar (my love), dope and thebomb.com.

While the boys sure appreciate these terms, the honeys do not. Now that I think about it, the boys have not offered their booties to me…Are they really my boys if they haven’t done that yet?

Am I going to change myself for the honeys? Hell naw. We out here chilling like villains. I’d rather stay authentic than sell myself out for some booty. It’s all about integrity and “respek.”

Thirdly, I am a certified “gangsta”.

Look at my IG. You can see all that fresh drip…dripping off me. I have major cojones and need a girl that can vibe with that. That intimidates the ladies. I am so fuck-able that, it has entirely backfired, and I am equally un-fuck-able. I am a living breathing paradox. Life is a cruel mistress but we’re still out here chilling.

Fourthly, I am a gentleman.

You have to wine and dine ME to get some of this loving.

“No thank you ma’am. I am a gentleman and will not fondle your breasts no matter how much you may insist.”

Women no longer have the patience for the process. They just want to get a good bang for their buck and move on. You have to seduce me. Make me want you. I am here for the long run and women are scared of that commitment.

Fifthly? I never had a mobile phone.

I got my first phone at the age of 23 for work. It wasn’t even for myself. It’s not like my parents were against me having a phone throughout my childhood. In fact they really wanted to get a phone. I was opposed to the idea of having a phone. I didn’t like the idea of being on the “grid”. I didn’t want to be available 24/7 for anyone to contact me.

Now if I was smooth, I could’ve used that to my advantage. I could’ve tried to create a persona where I was a man of mystery. A man of few words. Unfortunately, I was neither that smart nor that smooth to A- conceive the idea and B – actually execute it. In fact this wasn’t even an idea I came up with on my own at the age of 27. A good friend of mine told me that this was a possibility… Oh well.

I now realise that this may have been detrimental in both making friends and finding a girlfriend. While everyone was connecting on WhatsApp or Facetime, your boy over here was too busy watching movies, tv shows, anime or gaming. While everyone was socialising and interacting over the internet I was too busy in my own world. No wonder I had a difficult social life during school, college and even university.

Now for all those wondering how I was contacted by my parents and what little friends I had, well that was only possible by 3 ways. The first was through MSN until that died. The second was through FB Messenger. Both these options were only possible if I was at a computer or laptop with internet so basically if I was already at home.

The third, and you guys will love this, was through calling the friend I was hanging out with. If my parents or my friends knew who I was going to be hanging out with, they would call that person who would then give me their phone and voila, you have now reached me.

If the friend I was with, was for some reason unable to answer his phone, my parents did not hesitate at all to contact his parents to get to me. In hindsight I was just being an idiot and made my own life much more difficult.

I feel like you’ve all picked up on the fact that the reason why I am a virgin and have never had a relationship is because I tend to shoot myself in the foot by being an idiot.

Sixthly? And I guess my first and only serious point, I don’t want to bother the ladies by asking them out.

I feel like women go through a lot and the last thing they need is another guy asking them out or putting them in a position where they feel uncomfortable. I am also very bad at picking up hints so for all I know women have been trying to tell me they like me but that hasn’t worked out yet.

I’m going to go off a tangent here but why don’t women just shoot their shot? It would be so much easier for women to go out with the guys they want if they took that chance. If a woman was to ask a guy out, the chances of him saying yes are very high. It’s a win-win situation. Whipping your hair or fluttering your eyes at the guy you like, hoping he’s going to notice is probably not going to work.

Unless it does work and I’m the only idiot here.

I know women are scared of getting hurt just like men are. Some women may have to be more cautious for their own safety as well. I’m just saying it would take the pressure off me if women who found me attractive (statistically there has to be at least one) would just shoot their shot with me.

Lastly, I am very delusional.

In reality I have an intimacy issue with women that probably stems off my rocky distant relationship with my mother. I do not possess the cojones that I have mentioned in point number 3.

I am terrified of women and the idea of a relationship, that I actively choose to do everything I can to be as unappealing as possible. I try my best so that they may deem me as an unfit and unsuitable partner and “bingo bango” I won’t get into a relationship. This way I will never have to deal with my issues. Refer to points 1-4 for proof of how I do this.

“I embrace my virginity” said every virgin ever.

If you think you have what it takes to change my mind feel free to hit me up on my socials or drop a comment below. If you think you have what it takes to change my sexual status, feel free to hit me up. I will probably hide and avoid talking to you if you were to actually send me a message.

For all the readers out there, who can’t pick up on the tone of the article (like me with women), I would like to clarify that this is a satirical article. I am joking…to a certain extent. As J. Cole says in his song Fire Squad “All good jokes contain true shit.”

Feel free to leave comments below to educate people, yes even myself, on the daily struggles that women go through every day.

Get Out of Your Head

Your cure is within you, yet you do not sense it! Your sickness is from you, yet you do not see it! You consider yourself a small body; yet encapsulated within you is the entire universe.

Quote by Imam Ali RA
Photo by Lukas Rychvalsky on Pexels.com

A good friend of mine shared this with me today and this is absolutely beautiful. We come into this world on our own and we leave this world on our own. Sure our family and friends are there but the majority of our time is spent alone.

We spend a lot of our time thinking in our heads. We have happy thoughts and sad thoughts. There are moments where we feel great. We are ready to take on the world. There are moments where we feel useless. We just want to hide from the world. There are moments where we feel big and powerful. There are moments where we feel small and worthless.

In my opinion, there will always be positive and negative feelings…emotions that we have to deal with on a daily basis. Depending on our mental state, some people have an easier time while others don’t.

There are a number of things that I do to help me deal with the negative thoughts and emotions that I go through. I am aware that these are unhealthy thoughts but I can’t help feel and think these thoughts and emotions. All I can do is try to deal with it the best way I can. I believe therapy is the best way to do this but until I go get therapy I try to cope/deal with them the best I can.

1 – Forgive yourself

Making “mistakes” is inevitable. Straying off your routine is bound to happen. We as humans are designed to make “mistakes”. We are designed to fail. We are also designed to persevere when we do fail. To be able to get back up after making a “mistake” or missing a workout is important. In order to do that you need to forgive yourself and move on. If you dwell on your shortcomings you’re going to be stuck in this rut. You will hold yourself back. You won’t love yourself and it’ll make life harder than it already is. Forgive yourself when you make a mistake and move on.

2 – Empathy

We tend to be more empathetic towards others than we are to ourselves. Think about it. When you miss a workout you tend to be harsh on yourself. You call yourself useless and fat. You beat yourself up about it. When a friend comes to you and complains how they missed a workout you tend to be more supportive. You tell them things like “It’s ok to take a break” or “You’ll get back at it tomorrow.” We tend to criticise ourselves very harshly. What I’ve tried to do is to talk to myself the way I would talk to my friends, with empathy. I’ve been trying to be less harsh towards myself.

Hold yourself to the same standards that you hold your friends to. There’s a hypocrisy in the way we act. We pretend that the standard we have set for ourselves is much higher while for our family and friends is much lower. Why do we do that? Shouldn’t the standards be the same? Isn’t that why we call them standards?

The reason why we hold our family and friends to a lower standard is because we look at them with empathy. We understand how life gets in the way. We understand how lack of sleep can be detrimental. However, when it comes to ourselves these excuses become unacceptable. Our ego pretends that we are better than the rest of them and in return we are very harsh on ourselves. That becomes more damaging than helpful.

3 – You hold the power

You are not helpless. This is what the quote above pertains to in my opinion. It is important to remind ourselves that we are not helpless. We hold the power. If we want to change, we have to put in the effort and change. We have to mould ourselves. We have to focus on the things we have control over. There is no point in thinking about things out of your control. Realigning your focus on things you have control over helps by changing the task at hand into a more manageable and less overwhelming tasks. It helps you come out of the victim mentality where you feel like everything is someone else’s fault rather than your own. Once you are able to come out of that mind-set, you start taking charge of your life. You start controlling and changing things within your control. Before you know it, you’ll be on the way.

4 – Rationalise the negative thoughts and feelings

This is a huge one that I struggle with on a daily basis. One of the absolute worst thoughts I have, that I’m assuming many others do as well (if not…oops), is I think people don’t care about me or love me. I tend to get disheartened when I don’t get a reply to a text message. I feel unloved when plans get cancelled or people hang out without me. I know I need therapy for this. From what I’ve read my behaviour is as a result of childhood trauma. Don’t really know how to STOP having those negative thoughts and feelings. Maybe they never stop. I don’t really know.

Instead what I try to do, to cope with this is rationalise those negative thoughts and emotions. I start with reminding myself that everybody has a life. They are busy doing other things. They are probably too busy to respond as I am when I get busy. That does not mean that they do not love me. If they did not love me, they would not be my friends. Once I remind myself of these things, most of the times, those thoughts and feelings go away. Sometimes I’m just lonely and would like to hang out with someone but since no one is free so you occupy yourself with other things.

5 – Look at things with Love

I try to look at every possible situation from a place of love. If I put on those “lenses” and look at the world from that perspective, suddenly, all of life’s problems disappear. My friend didn’t reply to me. I could choose to believe that they are ignoring me and hate me. I could choose to look at it from a place of love. They are probably busy and will reply when they are free. I am useless. I can choose to believe that or I can remind myself that I have accomplished so many things in life. A friend of mine has achieved something amazing. I can choose to be jealous of their success or I can choose to congratulate and support them reminding myself that their success does not take anything away from who I am.

I have noticed that when you’re first instinct is to come from a place of love or to look at things as an optimist you tend to be happier. All those negative thoughts disappear and you feel great again. I will talk about love on its own separately. Try to look at everything from a place of love.

These are a couple of things I do to try to keep loving myself. I try to remind myself of my worth to myself. I try to forgive myself.  Obviously these are no substitutes to therapy but hopefully it helps knowing that you’re all alone. We are all in this beautiful messed up situation together.

The most important thing to remember is to Keep Loving. Love yourself. Love others. Love everyone and everything.

Decision Making

Photo by Hrishikesh Deshkar on Pexels.com

There is a fable from Aesop about the Miller, his son and his ass. The fable talks about how the Miller tries to please everyone and in the end loses his donkey. The moral of the story is that if you try to please everyone, you will lose everything. We often think too hard about what decision is the ‘right’ one and what the ‘wrong’ one is.

How can we tell if what we are doing is ‘right’?

Once we manage to make a decision, after much deliberation, we then tend to regret that decision and think that we would have been better off with the other option. After all, hindsight is 20/20. There’s a lot of uncertainty and regret when it comes to decision making in life, regardless of how big or small those decisions are.

I have found a way that makes it easier for me to determine what is ‘right’ and accept the consequences that may arise as a result of making that decision. This works for me so it might help all of you.

Before making any decision I ask myself 2 questions:

1 – Am I coming from a place of love?

2 – Will this make me happy?

I try to do things from a place of love and let the consequences take care of themselves. I may do something out of self-love or love for others. I am trying to focus more on self-love but both points of views are valid in my opinion. The idea is that if you come from a place of love, you know that the intention of your decisions are coming from a good place. Therefore, whatever decision you make, you have made with good intentions. For some of you that may not be important, but for me it is.

The means matter more than the ends.

If I can see this decision making me happy then I am going to take that decision. Happiness is achieved by doing something that resonates with you at an inner level. Obviously, things will not go the way you intend for them to go BUT as long as you keep that in mind and focus on the journey rather than the end goal then you’ll be happier.

The idea is to find happiness in the pursuit of your goals and not in your goals.

While making any decision it is important to remind yourself that you have made this decision to the best of your ability with the information that you had at that time. You need to be content with the decision you have made and be willing to accept all the consequences. You need to realise that you can only control your own actions. If you have given it your best shot then that’s all that matters. Whatever happens past your control happens.

Surrendering yourself to this mentality will help you be more content and at peace. It will focus your attentions on things that will matter and before you know it you’ll be in a place that you had never envisioned.

Think about it.

5 years ago, even a couple of months ago, no one would have thought that we’d be in the midst of a pandemic. The whole world has been affected. Yet here we are. Do we have any control? To a certain extent yes. We can choose how to spend all this free time that we have suddenly found. We can choose to follow health guidelines and protect ourselves and others. We can choose to put ourselves in the gloom and doom mindset where we focus on all the negatives, where we focus on how we can’t go out and meet our friends. Regardless of what you do the fact that we are in this pandemic will not change. Therefore, why focus on what we have no control over. Why don’t we focus on what is within our control.

Life is always bliss. It all depends on how you choose to direct your energy and focus.

These things will help you develop a sense of self-love as well. When you make decisions that are in line with your true self then you are able to be happier.

How do you know what resonates with your true self?

You experience life and enjoy it. Listen to your feelings and life will guide you.

Love Yourself

If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?

RuPaul

Amen to that!

I tend to trust people, 100%, completely. Most of the time, when I meet someone I will go in with complete surrender, no expectations and accept whoever they are. Unless I get a really bad vibe, I tend to get along with everyone. There’s a part of me that loves to connect with people. I’m hoping I get to connect with some people through this website and maybe in the future through all the other things that I’ve got planned.

One of my favourite ways to connect with people is by finding out their favourite colour, listening to the music they like or watching a T.V show or movie that they have recommended. This got me into RuPaul’s drag race. Now as a straight male I had no idea I would like the show as much as I did. Sure, I dislike Santino (Santiago) Rice but the show had such a positive message about accepting yourself the way you are.

We need more positive messages like this and this is one that I had realised as a child. If I was not happy with my own company then how are other people going to be happy when they are with me?

If I don’t love myself, then how are other people going to love me?

Realising that is the first step towards actually beginning to love yourself. You want to love yourself. You know what you don’t love about yourself, the things that are in your life that you don’t resonate with. The things that don’t make you happy. All that you have to do is get to work now.

Experience different things in life and find out what resonates with you. The things that resonate with you will automatically change you into your true self and in return you will love yourself. Obviously it has taken me a long time to get here and I’m oversimplifying it but it is that simple. Break it down into smaller, little, manageable tasks and you’ll start to notice the change within yourself.

Obviously you don’t have control over everything in your life. No one does. Focus on the things that you DO have control over and slowly but steadily you’ll get there.

A lot of us, including me, have struggled with the image of yourself. Speaking personally, I was a very fat kid for most of my life. There were a bunch of problems that led me to overeat and in return become fat. I grew up in a scarce mindset mentality. We had enough food on the table and there wasn’t a night where we slept hungry. In fact we were very well taken care of by my parents.

However, as a kid, anytime there is a shiny object you or something new you want it. We used to go out to eat Pizza Hut once a month. My brother and I would always look forward to this. We’d starve the whole day and prepare ourselves for the long awaited Pizza Hut dinner. We’d get one large pizza, a salad and drinks. 8 slices, 4 family members. Everyone gets 2 slices each. Those 2 slices were heavenly. We would make them last for as long as we could. We’d eat the crust first, then pick the toppings and savour them after which we would finish the slice. Pure Joy.

Mom would make lasagne at home. I remember hating the concept of lasagne but once I took that first bite I was all in. She would make one dish. 4 slices, 4 family members. When you grow up in that mindset you tend to develop a habit of eating very fast in the hopes that you could some extra leftovers. Mom was great though. Like they say A mother always knows.

She would always give us her toppings or a bit of extra food from her plate just to make sure my brother and I always had enough. She sacrificed her desires for us. Obviously she wanted to eat that slice of pizza or cake but she would give it to us because she loves us.

However, when you develop that habit to eat as fast as you can you tend to eat unconsciously. You tend to not chew your food properly and eat more than required. You haven’t given your body enough time to relay the information that the stomach is full to your brain and in return you over eat.

Kids are cruel because they are honest. Being a fat kid is never easy. When you get bullied at school and come home to 2 tired parents you tend to find comfort in whatever way or form you can. Food became that comfort for my brother and me. We over ate because we felt happy and satisfied. We over ate because at that point nothing else in the world mattered. All that mattered was me and my food.

There are so many more issues that I have had to deal with in the past but the point of the over eating story is that I realised that life is so much more than just food. I realised that I do not need to love myself by overeating. Overeating actually made me hate myself. It’s this vicious cycle that you get sucked into. You hate yourself for being fat so you eat more to find comfort which in return makes you fatter.

My life truly changed when I realised that I do not need people to have a good time. It changed when I realised I don’t need food to have a good time. All I need is myself. I started to get to know myself and what do you know, turns out I’m actually not that bad. Once I started to love myself the over eating got under control. I realised that when I started to experience different things in life and listen to my feelings, I quickly discovered the things that bought me true joy.

Sure I still have negative thoughts but when you’re in a better place you tend to have a clearer perspective on those negative thoughts and so can deal with them in a much better way.

I know it’s tough, believe me I’ve been there. All you need is a bit of faith in yourself and I guarantee you, you can do it. If it helps hit me up, I’ll be here for whatever you need. If you want somebody to vent to, I’m your guy. If you want a different perspective, I’m you dude. Hell I’ve seen enough of RuPaul’s drag race that if you need some fashion advice hit me up. I am 100% confident I’ll do a better job than Santiago.

Love yourself. You are worth it.

P.S – Fuck Santiago