Tag Archives: Relationships

Insecurities Control Me

One of the greatest journeys in life is overcoming insecurity and learning to truly not give a shit.

J.A Konrath
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

All of us have insecurities, about one thing or another. Everyone deals with it in different ways. Some people like to journal. Some people like to let it out by talking with their friends and family. Some people go through self-affirmations reminding themselves about all the positives in life. Regardless of what you do, I believe that all you’re looking for is perspective.

Your insecurities can easily cause you lose sight and perspective of the truth. You get stuck in this loop. A simple insecurity such as “They don’t love me” or “I am all alone” can be triggered by a very small event. The reaction however can be blown out of proportions due to your insecurities.

During those intense moments, your reactions are flared up. You may still be thinking clearly. You may still be telling yourself that these thoughts are due to your insecurities flaring up. You tell yourself that these thoughts are not based on the truth.

You know that these thoughts are illogical. Yet you can’t help it. You can’t help think these thoughts. You can’t help but feel these emotions. That’s the problem with your insecurities getting triggered. Despite knowing all this, you can’t help but feel angry or mad. You can’t help but get pissed off.

 I still haven’t figured out what works for me. I get triggered and I don’t know what to do to get out of that zone. I try to do all the things listed above but nothing helps. Then after a while, I automatically calm down. I don’t know why I calm down either. It just happens on its own.

I can get all the perspective I want in the world but I can’t seem to get out of the triggered state I get sucked into. I want to be able to figure this out so that I don’t get triggered in the first place. Actually, I don’t think it’s even possible to not get triggered. I feel like that’s a normal reaction. Is it possible to not have insecurities?

If I do get triggered and if I could better understand it I would know how to get myself out of that state. I feel like that would be the most realistic way of trying to deal with my insecurities. But how? Nothing I do seems to be working. It just takes time and it goes away when I get exhausted.

Either way, it’s not pleasant getting triggered and feeling hurt for no legitimate reason. It gets exhausting to the people around me as well and the last thing I want to do is pass on the hurt to other people. I don’t want other people suffering due to my insecurities.

Regaining perspective seems to be the most recommended option out there so I guess I just need to keep working on myself to the point where I can regain my perspective and chill out. This ties in to the whole ego wanting to be in control thing as well. It purposefully gets hurt and bruised. That feeds the ego and makes it stronger.

Once the ego is in control of your thoughts and emotions it’s very hard to snap out of it. That’s the case for me anyways. Regardless of what I am going through or how difficult it is I have learned one thing recently.

The work is never done.

The process of self-improvement is a continuous one. Each day, each moment is a battle. All anyone can do is try their best and that’s what I am going to do.

An Unwelcoming Household

The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don’t want.

Karen Salmansohn
Photo by Renan Lima on Pexels.com

For me leaving the life I don’t want includes leaving my family. I do not want to live with them anymore. I want to have my own space and more importantly the freedom that comes with it.

I have always imagined living a minimalist lifestyle. I hate clutter and unnecessary things. I picture a very clean and spacious room. Spacious not in terms of size but spacious in terms of how empty it is. I don’t need much to live a happy life. A happy life in itself is a weird concept but that’s for later. I just need the essentials.

To truly understand what happens to me when I come “home”, I’ll tell you what I am like when I’m not “home.” When I’m outside, I am happy. I am loud. I am having fun.  It’s all about love and positivity. I enjoy the moment. There is no worry in my life. I just relax and enjoy whatever comes my way. My brain is clear. It doesn’t hurt. That’s why I really enjoyed this quarantine.

When I didn’t have work I’d leave the house at 5 AM and go sit on the beach. There was no worry in the world. There was nothing to do, except for enjoying the moment, enjoying THIS moment.

I feel unwelcomed in my house. The moment I enter the door, a switch flips. I am this serious and sad person. I feel uncomfortable. I stay quiet. I am just by…myself. It feels like there’s this heavy dark cloud hovering above me whenever I’m home. I don’t talk to anyone. I am just there, breathing…existing. It honestly feels like the real me is supressed deep within myself just so I don’t get hurt. I numb myself so that I am unaffected by all the things bothering me at home. I temporarily kill myself in the metaphorical sense for now.

I grew up in an emotionally unavailable household. I guess I’ve associated this house with that feeling now. My life is good but I don’t feel welcome at home. Robin Hobb wrote “Home is people, not a place.” Elvis Presley says “home is where the heart is.” In both cases I know that this is not home.

This is going to be harsh but this is all coming from the heart. This will not sound like it at all but please remember that this is coming from a place of love. A place of self-love and love for my family.

In a way I have begun, or already do, resent the people at “home.” I resent my family. They do things that I want to avoid. Their habits and mannerisms are everything that I do not want in my life. They are everything that I want to outgrow in my life. Every time I am home I am constantly reminded of these habits that I want to avoid.

There is a lot of clutter in the house that I want to get rid of. Living in clutter has made our lifestyle very disorganised which I do not like at all. There is no space to clear your mind and just breathe. They leave the lights on in rooms that are not being used. They leave doors open. They focus on problems that they have nothing to do with at all. There is this stream of constant toxic words that come out of them about what other people are up to. Instead of fixing ourselves, everyone in this house is too busy trying to fix others. I just want everyone to relax and chill for a moment. Forget about the world and other people and focus on yourself.

I want to get away from all this. I will get away from all this the first chance I get. Their negativity seeps into me. I can feel it corrupting me. I am not delusional. I know that life on my own will be tough to deal with but at least I can move on to a different chapter in my life. At least I’ll have a place I can call home. A place where I can truly relax. A place where I am not suffocating. A place where I do not have to supress any part of the real me. I would finally be able to love myself 24/7 or at least more than I can now.

I feel like if I was to move out and get away from all this, if I could get my own space, I’d be able to start loving my family. I would be able to do all the things I have wanted to do like get into photography, videography and start making podcasts. I can’t do these things at “home.” There are too many disturbances at “home.” Things the family just wouldn’t understand. For a long time, I have blamed the house and the family for why I have not been able to pursue all these things.

If I move out I’d finally be able to get rid of this excuse that I have been milking for as long as I can remember. I would be able to grow out of this mind set and this rut. Life would change for the better or the worse but I know I am ready to move on. Maybe once I start pursuing all these things that I have been thinking about and planning for the majority of my life I might stop resenting my family.

I might stop thinking of them as the reason for my failure and discover that I am a failure on my own. It’s easier to blame my short comings and failures on other people and in this case it has been my family for a long time. Once I move out, I might discover other challenges and reasons that contribute to my failure shifting the blame off my family. I might be able to grow. More importantly, I might be able to love them.

One things for sure, I am done. I know what needs to happen. I have to move out when I can. I have to keep reminding myself that this is all coming from a place of love. Firstly, this is so that I can love myself. Secondly, this is so that I can start loving my family. I may resent them now BUT I want to move out to separate them from my failures. They are free to live the life they want to and so am I. Once their negativity and vibe can no longer affect me, I believe I would be able to look past it and star loving them.

Stay safe. Keeping loving yourself and each other.

Crushes Are Normal

Sometimes I can’t ignore the way I feel when I see you smile.

The Ataris, Bite My Tongue
Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels.com

I used to, or still to some extent, get uneasy at the concept of having a crush. A crush by definition is “a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable.”

“A brief but intense infatuation,” There’s the issue I have with the word crush. The problem is that it is an infatuation, an obsession. I have no clue what that person is actually like. I have developed a crush based on physical appearances. I find that hard to deal with. I feel like it’s wrong. I know it’s natural but it feels wrong. It feels like I am objectifying her.

The person I have a crush on is so much more than that. There is the mind and soul that I have no idea about. I just think that this person is beautiful and I am attracted to them. I am just attracted to the idea of them rather than the actual person.

The crush then builds up. Your mind picks it up and runs with it to places you don’t want to go to. It takes you to ideas that you know are unrealistic. It gives you all these unrealistic thoughts and expectations that you have of this person. These “unhealthy” thoughts build up.

Do I act on these “unhealthy” thoughts?

Of course not.

However, these thoughts feel wrong to have.

I imagine living a life with them. I imagine sharing a box of pizza with them under a blanket while watching TV. No one else is there. There is no other worry. It’s just this person and me. Complete peace. Sometimes I imagine us driving together. I don’t care where the road leads to. I am just happy that I am with this person.

There are 2 things that remains constant in these “unhealthy” thoughts, as I like to refer to them.

The first is that there is this sense of complete peace and serenity. There is no care in the world. All that matters it that my crush is right here with me. These thoughts never get sexual. I am simply attracted to the intimacy and vulnerability in that moment.

The second is that person’s smile. I always imagine them smiling. A genuine smile just puts me in a state of tranquillity. There is a vibe in that smile. A vibe that tells me that everything is alright in the world. Just enjoy this moment. I absolutely fall head over heels for a smile that just exudes love. A smile that embraces you, that coddles you. I don’t even know anything about this person and here I am dreaming of a life together. I don’t know if this person is how I envision them to be.

I fall in love with that though. I have no clue yet I fall in love. The peace and happiness in those “unhealthy” thoughts. It makes me wonder, are these thoughts really “unhealthy” if there is so much positivity and love in them? Is it really “unhealthy” to feel happiness? Why do I assume that these thoughts are “unhealthy”?

Sure, I can call these thoughts unrealistic because reality is far from it. Yet, I choose to refer to these thoughts as “unhealthy.” I could be doing this on purpose. I could be doing this to prevent any notion of actually doing something about the crush. If I never act on my crush and try to get to know them better, then I will never be in an uncomfortable spot. I will never give them the opportunity to reject me. Therefore, I think of having a crush as a negative thing. That way I’ll never act on it.

I can count all the crushes I have had, throughout my entire life, on one hand. Obviously, I have never acted on them. Around 3-4 months ago, I had a mini crush and attempted to get to know her better. If I am being honest, it wasn’t a real attempt. It was more of a sad excuse of an attempt. It was to give myself the false assurance that I tried and failed. In all honesty, my attempt was pathetic. When I realised that the other person was not vibing, I decided to dip. I didn’t want to bother her. The vibe was telling me that it wasn’t meant to be.

A crush doesn’t necessarily have to be on someone unattainable as defined. I believe it’s defined like that because a lot of people get to know their crush better and realise that the crush is not meant for them. They were infatuated by the idea of the person and the idea of being in a relationship with that person. Once they realise who that person is, they decide it’s not for them and bail. They could also bail because they realise that it takes effort to get to know a person and be in relationship. They decide that their crush is not worth the effort and bail before it turns into anything real. They bail before committing.

Me personally, I’ve never had the courage to do anything about it in the past. I want to change that. I want to put in the effort. I want to be courageous. I want to take that first step. I want to grow a pair. I’m sick of living like a coward. I’m sick of being anxious all the time. I just want to relax and let these natural feelings flow. See where they take me.

If it works out, it works out. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. At least I won’t regret anything. At least I’ll know that I actually tried and gave it my best shot. At least I get to know another person. We might not end up dating but we could become friends.

I feel like with all the growth that I have done in the past year or so, I am a bit more comfortable with the idea of having a crush. I still get uneasy when I think about it BUT I feel like the first step is to realise that these thoughts are not unhealthy at all. These thoughts are natural. Once I can come to terms with that I feel like I would be able to better handle having a crush.

I might become more courageous. I might become a man of action. I might decide to actually take some steps and get to know that person well. Hell, if I still like them or rather if I allow myself to like them without the fear of getting hurt, I might actually ask them out.

I might be able to acknowledge, without feeling shy or guilty, that I do have a crush right now. It’s easy for me to say all this on the internet. Sure, I’m not anonymous but what are the odds that my crush will actually read this. What are the odds that she’ll actually realise I’m talking about her? I’m willing to take that risk.

Maybe this is again me being a coward. Maybe this is me being delusional, telling myself that I have actually done something to comfort myself. Why don’t I just tell her in real life? Why don’t I put in the effort to get to know her better?

Maybe getting all this out of me and into the real world is the first step I need to take to become more courageous. Maybe after this is out, I might actually take the first step to get to know my crush better. We shall see what happens.

At the end of the day I know one thing for sure, I don’t want to live a life of regret. I don’t want to look back at my life and have those “What if” thoughts. That’s not the life I want.

Stay safe. Keeping loving yourself and others. If you have a crush, get to know them better. Who knows, they might have a crush on you too.

Intimacy Around Women

I have learned that there is more power in a good strong hug than in a thousand meaningful words.

Ann Hood
Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

Recently, a very a brave and amazing friend of mine shared something that she went through with the group. I was very moved by it. I teared up. While she was telling her story, I listened. I was amazed at her strength. I was amazed at how she managed to love, so purely, and have lost that love. That is not something I have experienced yet. To have loved so purely and lost. Her story, her strength, her love truly amazed me. I could feel the pain she had gone through. It was raw and honest. It was real.

Naturally, when talking about an event that has a lot of emotions and history attached to it, you are bound to get emotional and cry. When she started to cry my first instinct was to hug her. I wanted to comfort her, as a friend should. Another friend of mine had hugged her and stayed with her so I stayed where I was.

At the end of the day, before leaving, we all got up and she started to hug everyone. I wanted to but I couldn’t. I want to comfort her, let her know that it’s all going to be alright. I wanted to let her know that she is brave and strong for doing what she did. I wanted to let her know that I am here for her should she need someone to talk to. I wanted to let her know that she is not alone, that she is loved.

I stood in the back contemplating, should I go or is she going to come and hug me? I felt so awkward in that position, not because I am not her friend or didn’t care about her at all. It’s because I have an issue with hugs and contact with women in general. During the time I wasted contemplating, she had left.

I felt like shit. I made it all about myself rather than comfort her. I should’ve told her all the things I wanted to say in support of her. I was too weak to go and offer my support.

“What did I do?”

“Why didn’t I go?”

“Why did I make this awkward as hell?”

All these thoughts ran through my mind. I felt like shit when I got home. I had let myself down. I was disappointed in myself. I could not believe that I did not have the courage to go and comfort her. I sent her a message saying the things I wanted to say but I felt bad. This has been a running theme in my life. I thought I had grown…gotten over it but clearly I hadn’t.

My whole life I have avoided any sort of intimacy or contact with women. I believe it has something to do with the way I was raised. From an early age I had been made aware of the issues that women go through on a daily basis. Men putting women in uncomfortable positions on a daily basis. Creepy men who go in for hugs when the woman is clearly uncomfortable. Men who catcall women and harass them. Men who can’t take a hint that the woman is clearly uncomfortable. Men who go initiate a handshake and the woman is forced to comply because it’s “just a handshake.”

I grew up in a society that looks down on women. Anytime a woman tries to grow and be better, men like to put them down. Anytime a woman voices her opinion or takes a stances, men like to put them down. I grew up, surrounded by this. I grew up being aware of this. I grew up being aware of how men objectify women. I grew up surrounded by men telling me “it’s a woman’s job to take care of the house. Find yourself a wife that will cook for you and give you kids.”

How fucked up is that? A living human being is reduced to nothing but a glorified slave. There to please every little desire that you may have. I grew up with men telling me that “a wife cannot say No to her husband for anything. She cannot deny him sex or whatever else he may want. It is the husband’s right to demand these things.”

I think growing up surrounded by all these things has traumatised me. I get very uncomfortable around women regardless of if I find them attractive or not. It’s the weirdest thing ever. I have a hard time shaking their hands, hugging them or even give them a friendly tap or touch. I was told that you never shake a woman’s hand unless she initiates it first. That’s how I’ve been living my life. I guess this is why I barely had any female friends growing up. Now that I do, I have noticed how I am unable to provide the support they may need such as a hug in a time of vulnerability.

Being around this group of friends and seeing how they interact with each other makes me realise this even more. I want to be a part of this but I don’t know how to. I want be normal but I can’t get myself to act normal. I see them hugging and playfully pushing each other and I cannot be a part of that because I feel uncomfortable.

Another reason could be the relationship with my mother. From what I can recall my childhood was good. It wasn’t perfect but it was pretty good. Everything that I could possibly need was provided to me. Except for the emotional support. Both my parents worked. When I would come home they’d be taking a nap because they were tired from a full day of working. After the nap, mom would wake up and get the house in order. Food, clothes, cleaning etc.

Anytime I had an “emotional” issue she was unavailable to help me deal with it. Her usual responses were “this is what happens when you trust other people” or “this is what happens when you don’t listen to me.” Both parents were very pessimistic in their way of life. They had this outlook on life where everyone is evil and you cannot trust anyone other than yourself. I think that caused me to develop this issue I have with emotional intimacy.

Displaying emotional intimacy makes me very uncomfortable. It takes me back to that hurt boy who just wanted some help in dealing with the overwhelming emotions. All I want is for someone to say “It’s Ok” I suppose. I don’t really know what I want. All I know is that I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be emotionally disconnected. I don’t want to freak out at the prospect of a fucking hug to comfort someone. I was legitimately on the brink of having an anxiety attack when I saw my friend walk in my direction and hug the people in front of me.

I guess the point of this is to let other people, who struggle with the same thing, know that they are not alone. I know I need therapy for this so that I may process it better. I do want to improve in this aspect. I do want to be there for my friends. I have no problem in striking a conversation with anyone or introducing myself to strangers. The problem arises when there is a touch of intimacy whether that may be physically or emotionally.

I do believe I have gotten better at it. I believe that me acknowledging the problems in my behaviour is a good start but I am not happy with how I dealt with the latest situation. I want to get better to the point where I don’t need to second guess anything. I can just be a good friend.

I hope all you are staying safe. Keep loving yourself and each other.