Tag Archives: Trauma

Brewing In Self Hate

[T]hou canst not think worse of me than I do myself.

Robert Burton
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

Today was one of those where I just hated myself and everything that I did. Hate is a very strong word and I do not use that lightly. As harsh as it sounds, it was hate. As pure as it could be. All directed towards me.

I woke up late and missed out on a plan with the squad. Well to clarify I had woken up on time. I was depleted of energy, completely dead. I decided to go back to sleep.

Woke up a couple of hours later and went to work. Work was an alright day. Same as usual. Got home, made some food and passed out. Woke up a couple of hours later and worked out. The workout took forever because for some reason I was low on energy again. I finished the workout, had a late dinner and now I sit here typing this.

I can sort of explain why I hated myself today. It was just one of those days. I was upset at myself that I didn’t go to meet with the squad. Despite it not being in my control, I hated myself that I was so low on energy today. It took an enormous amount of effort to being my workout and get it done.

Even now as I type this out I absolutely hate myself.

Part of me is upset that today after a long time for some reason I felt alone. I was not content with my own company. I was upset that I couldn’t share this with anyone because I didn’t want to burden anyone.

This all goes back to my childhood I believe. I had parents that were emotionally unavailable. I didn’t really have any close friends. Today’s vibe reminded me of the past. It has taken a lot of work to get to where I am right now. Where I am content with myself…to a certain extent. However, I will have these random days where my vibes are just low. A small trigger such as the one today ends up affecting me enormously.

I will type out some of the questions and thoughts I had and how I tried to rationalise them to change my vibe. It didn’t really work but it did help make things better. I had to rationalise them as if I was giving advice to a friend.

I have noticed how we tend to be much more understand and comforting when giving advice to our friends. However, when it comes to ourselves we set a higher standard for ourselves and tend to be much more unforgiving and harsh. I tried to rationalise my thoughts as if I was speaking to a friend of mine. Trying to be understanding, comforting and loving rather than unforgiving.

You missed out on the squad meet.

I just hated myself for missing out on an opportunity to connect with people. I feel the happiest when I am out and connecting with people. Making real memories. I was just upset at how I gave in to my weakness, I succumbed to being on low energy and went back to sleep rather than going out and creating real moments. I tried to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world. There will be more meet ups in the future that I will be a part of. It is fine to feel low on energy and decide to take care of yourself. It’s fine to listen to what your body is telling you. Part of me believes that my body told me that because I am weak and the thoughts quickly escalated from there.

You are a loser.

The thought quickly turned into how I am a loser. I am never invited to events. I always miss out. I am never a part of anything. I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue as well. I am always invited. In fact the times that I do not go are my own choice due to work or, and this is where my thoughts took me next, is because I wasn’t able to wake up.

You are undisciplined.

I have been trying to wake up early since we went on lock down. I dream of being able to wake up at 5 AM and start the day with a work out before going to work. That way I have the rest of the day off. As you may be able to tell I have been unable to do so and I immediately started hating myself when I woke up.

“As usual Ammar, you were not able to wake up early because you are not disciplined in life.”

I had to remind myself that this thought is untrue. I have been working out consistently for the past 8 months with a couple of days off here and there. I manage to get to work on time. I get the things that need to be done throughout the day. I believe that my current lifestyle was only achieved based on my discipline.

You are fat.

I assumed that the low energy and negative vibes were due to a lack of food. I have been unable to properly eat for the past month now. The current schedule is all over the place and I haven’t been able to adhere to my intermittent fasting from 7 pm to 12 pm. Due to the schedule I have only been having 1 meal a day at midday for lunch. I told myself today that I would have 2 meals today regardless of the time for the second meal. I had a late dinner past 7 pm and immediately hated myself.

I had to rationalise this negative thought. Yes I may still be a bit fat but I have done a great job reducing my weight. I am in a much better place now. It is important to listen to your body and my body is telling me that I need more food. If I neglect what my body is telling me then I am going to end up hurting myself. Listen to your body and give it what it needs.

You have not achieved anything in life.

I am 27. No relationship. A job that does not fulfil me. A shit family life. No investments. No plan for the future. This thought was easier to rationalise for me. I have no clue what I want from life BUT I know what I don’t want and that’s this. I don’t want to be an Engineer. What do I want to do? I want to write, take photos and teach. I love connecting with people and want a job that allows me to do that.

My issues with my family are a bigger problem that I believe stem from a lack of space and boundaries. The only way to improve it is to move out. Maybe then I’ll have the space I need to do what I need to do without resenting them.

I don’t have any external investments BUT I am investing in myself. I am the biggest asset that I have. I will invest in myself and keep growing, bettering myself.

You have no friends. No one likes you.

While it is easy to victimise myself this is absolutely not true. I love the people in my life and I KNOW they love me. We hang out. We have fun. More importantly they include me. I was just being a victim to my own vibe and having thoughts that are untrue and baseless. I have been having this thought since I was a child. This thought stems from how I was always left out from activities with my “friends” as a kid. Due to that trauma, anytime someone doesn’t reply OR invite me I immediately go into the thought of how no one likes me.

I am ashamed of having this thought because they do love me. It will take time but I know that I have to outgrow this.

You have not grown. You are still the scared and sad little boy you were.

As a kid there was a lot of trauma that I went through. I didn’t realise it at the time BUT now I can see how that stuff fucked me up. I was alone most of the time. Forced into my own world of games and cartoons. I never went out. Just stayed at home. It was easier for me to shut myself out from the world. I didn’t know how else to deal with it. It was overwhelming.

I am not perfect. I don’t think anyone perfect exists. I am who I am. I went through my past. The child still exists within me. I have grown. I have made great strides in developing myself. Sure, there are times where I am sad but I bounce back. I am scared but I am also fearless. I am down for whatever the universe throws at me.

Hit me with your best shot. I got this. You can’t keep me down motherfucker. I am coming for you.

One small trigger caused me to spiral down all the way to here. It started with how I missed out and ended up with how this is all related to my past. I know that it is related to my past. I just had to remind myself that I cannot change the past. I must learn from it and grow. Once I grow, I will be able to become the person that I want to become.

The scared and sad little boy still exists as my inner child. I need to become the nurturing and loving parent that my inner child needs. The kind of parent I needed when I was younger. I need to listen to what my inner child is telling me. I need to give it the love and support it needs to feel safe. I need to be there for my inner child. I will be writing more about this as I learn more about my inner child.

“I love you my inner child. You are safe now.”

In the past there were more days where I hated myself and the affects were much worse. It took a long time for me to realise that I must be happy within my own company. I must put out the positive vibe that I want to receive and the universe will respond, as it has. I guess I hated myself because today it felt like, after a long time, I was exhausted and defeated by my past. I was defeated by this negative vibe.

While I embrace this, I realise that a lot of work still needs to be done by me. It’s one of those days where I had to take it easy. My body and vibe were telling me to take a break. What’s done is done now. I need to realise that I cannot change the past. All I can do is move forward. Tomorrow we start again. Maintain discipline. More importantly, we pump out the positive vibes.

Initially I left myself brew in this self-hate because it’s easy. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself. It’s easy to put yourself down. It takes no effort. It is VERY easy to slip down and just give up. It’s easy to give up on yourself and to give up on life. I have been there before. It takes no effort. Your ego does all the work for you. You just have to be passive and let the hate flow.

I had to remind myself that having the victim mentality is what I hated about my past self. I hated how I used to always be sad. I hated how I would make no effort whatsoever in improving whatever I could improve on. Even as I write this, even after all the rationalising in the world, I WANT to sit here and brew. I want to corrupt myself from within. I want to give up. I feel like that part of me will never die. I have to be strong enough to make sure that my aware self will always win over my ego.

If anyone has had similar experiences or is going through something right now hit me up. I can’t promise you any solutions. I can only promise to offer you a different perspective and my attentive ear that will listen to you.

Life is good. I am glad that I am alive.

Intimacy Around Women

I have learned that there is more power in a good strong hug than in a thousand meaningful words.

Ann Hood
Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

Recently, a very a brave and amazing friend of mine shared something that she went through with the group. I was very moved by it. I teared up. While she was telling her story, I listened. I was amazed at her strength. I was amazed at how she managed to love, so purely, and have lost that love. That is not something I have experienced yet. To have loved so purely and lost. Her story, her strength, her love truly amazed me. I could feel the pain she had gone through. It was raw and honest. It was real.

Naturally, when talking about an event that has a lot of emotions and history attached to it, you are bound to get emotional and cry. When she started to cry my first instinct was to hug her. I wanted to comfort her, as a friend should. Another friend of mine had hugged her and stayed with her so I stayed where I was.

At the end of the day, before leaving, we all got up and she started to hug everyone. I wanted to but I couldn’t. I want to comfort her, let her know that it’s all going to be alright. I wanted to let her know that she is brave and strong for doing what she did. I wanted to let her know that I am here for her should she need someone to talk to. I wanted to let her know that she is not alone, that she is loved.

I stood in the back contemplating, should I go or is she going to come and hug me? I felt so awkward in that position, not because I am not her friend or didn’t care about her at all. It’s because I have an issue with hugs and contact with women in general. During the time I wasted contemplating, she had left.

I felt like shit. I made it all about myself rather than comfort her. I should’ve told her all the things I wanted to say in support of her. I was too weak to go and offer my support.

“What did I do?”

“Why didn’t I go?”

“Why did I make this awkward as hell?”

All these thoughts ran through my mind. I felt like shit when I got home. I had let myself down. I was disappointed in myself. I could not believe that I did not have the courage to go and comfort her. I sent her a message saying the things I wanted to say but I felt bad. This has been a running theme in my life. I thought I had grown…gotten over it but clearly I hadn’t.

My whole life I have avoided any sort of intimacy or contact with women. I believe it has something to do with the way I was raised. From an early age I had been made aware of the issues that women go through on a daily basis. Men putting women in uncomfortable positions on a daily basis. Creepy men who go in for hugs when the woman is clearly uncomfortable. Men who catcall women and harass them. Men who can’t take a hint that the woman is clearly uncomfortable. Men who go initiate a handshake and the woman is forced to comply because it’s “just a handshake.”

I grew up in a society that looks down on women. Anytime a woman tries to grow and be better, men like to put them down. Anytime a woman voices her opinion or takes a stances, men like to put them down. I grew up, surrounded by this. I grew up being aware of this. I grew up being aware of how men objectify women. I grew up surrounded by men telling me “it’s a woman’s job to take care of the house. Find yourself a wife that will cook for you and give you kids.”

How fucked up is that? A living human being is reduced to nothing but a glorified slave. There to please every little desire that you may have. I grew up with men telling me that “a wife cannot say No to her husband for anything. She cannot deny him sex or whatever else he may want. It is the husband’s right to demand these things.”

I think growing up surrounded by all these things has traumatised me. I get very uncomfortable around women regardless of if I find them attractive or not. It’s the weirdest thing ever. I have a hard time shaking their hands, hugging them or even give them a friendly tap or touch. I was told that you never shake a woman’s hand unless she initiates it first. That’s how I’ve been living my life. I guess this is why I barely had any female friends growing up. Now that I do, I have noticed how I am unable to provide the support they may need such as a hug in a time of vulnerability.

Being around this group of friends and seeing how they interact with each other makes me realise this even more. I want to be a part of this but I don’t know how to. I want be normal but I can’t get myself to act normal. I see them hugging and playfully pushing each other and I cannot be a part of that because I feel uncomfortable.

Another reason could be the relationship with my mother. From what I can recall my childhood was good. It wasn’t perfect but it was pretty good. Everything that I could possibly need was provided to me. Except for the emotional support. Both my parents worked. When I would come home they’d be taking a nap because they were tired from a full day of working. After the nap, mom would wake up and get the house in order. Food, clothes, cleaning etc.

Anytime I had an “emotional” issue she was unavailable to help me deal with it. Her usual responses were “this is what happens when you trust other people” or “this is what happens when you don’t listen to me.” Both parents were very pessimistic in their way of life. They had this outlook on life where everyone is evil and you cannot trust anyone other than yourself. I think that caused me to develop this issue I have with emotional intimacy.

Displaying emotional intimacy makes me very uncomfortable. It takes me back to that hurt boy who just wanted some help in dealing with the overwhelming emotions. All I want is for someone to say “It’s Ok” I suppose. I don’t really know what I want. All I know is that I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be emotionally disconnected. I don’t want to freak out at the prospect of a fucking hug to comfort someone. I was legitimately on the brink of having an anxiety attack when I saw my friend walk in my direction and hug the people in front of me.

I guess the point of this is to let other people, who struggle with the same thing, know that they are not alone. I know I need therapy for this so that I may process it better. I do want to improve in this aspect. I do want to be there for my friends. I have no problem in striking a conversation with anyone or introducing myself to strangers. The problem arises when there is a touch of intimacy whether that may be physically or emotionally.

I do believe I have gotten better at it. I believe that me acknowledging the problems in my behaviour is a good start but I am not happy with how I dealt with the latest situation. I want to get better to the point where I don’t need to second guess anything. I can just be a good friend.

I hope all you are staying safe. Keep loving yourself and each other.